Help! Paranoid, overreacting self doubting mum wondering if being a mum ever becomes enjoyable!

[mammabelleboo]

My dd is now 10 months old & I have found adjusting to being a mum quite difficult. In the early days, she wasn't an easy baby in that she cried a lot & I blamed myself as i thought i must be doing everything wrong for her to be crying all the time & it was my fault I did not have a contented baby (I'd had some anxiety during my pregnancy which I also worry may have contributed to her being discontent & crotchety). I also really struggled with breastfeeding as I was really sore (she'd eaten chunks out of my nipples!) but managed to persevere until she was 5 months old. She used to bawl her head off whenever we took her anywhere & developed a disliking for one of her Nans (now resolved, thank God!). So the early days weren't exactly easy. Things were great for a few months but just lately, she seems to be becoming frustrated & the old feelings of self doubt are beginning to creep back in again - I just feel everything that upsets her must be my fault. She has started to bite, scratch or grab handfulls of my face/hair when I stop her from doing something dangerous or am doing something she dosn't want me to do like cutting her nails or wiping her face. I say no firmly, but she will do it again - maybe just to get a reaction? But it upsets me so much - this is an overreaction by me as I know a baby of this age isn't being malicious as they don't know what nasty is, but it hurts me so much. After all the sacrificing, sleepless nights, worrying, feeling like the crappest mum in the world most of the time (ie always feeling inadequate), looking crap all the time with bags & shadows under the eyes, bursting into tears & wondering how much longer I can do this for - it feels like a slap in the face. Other crap-mum-syndrome symptoms are the conviction that she dosn't like me (I get upset when I cuddle her & she pushes my face away), that she's bored as we seem to stick to the same routine & feeling sorry for her that she's got me as a mum. I just want to stop worrying about everything & anything & enjoy her but I dread each day as it feels like a constant reminder of how bad I am at being a mum. I have also lost my temper & shouted at her a few times - like yesterday when she started to throw around the dinner I'd spent ages making. Help! I'm a paranoid & grumpy mum - I so want to be a chilled out, happy & relaxed mum!

Poor you! I know just how you feel. I really hated the first year (yet I'm about to do it again!) Ds was really bad about the hair pulling too. He would actually pull chunks out occasionall And I hated that stage where he put literally everything in his mouth, even though I know it's normal, etc. She's old enough, imo, to do some type of mommy and me class. That would be a nice change for both of you.

Oh, and ds has never been a particularly cuddly boy. It used to upset me, now I just take it for the way he is and nothing personal.

Hi

I had very similar feelings for the first year of ds's life and found that time sooooo hard.

Ds was the sort of baby who cried if cuddled too much in fact it felt like he cried all the time really but particularly when he was with me.

Things only really improved for me when I went back to work part-time and accepted that full time stay at home motherhood was not for me at that time (not saying that is true for you necessarily, just for me). Now I would like to stay home more as ds is easier in my opinion and I have definitely relaxed a bit.

It really should improve and over time your dd should get easier and you should get less stressed. I look back at the things I worried about and laugh now but I certainly didn't at the time (cry hysterically was more like it)

In the meantime the only advice I can give is to try and work on understanding that nothing is perfect. I know that most of my problems stemmed from the fact that I wanted to be a perfect parent instead of being the best I could be.

I second the part-time work solution. It saved my sanity.

You are not a bad mother mammabelleboo. Some babies are just more difficult than others and it isnt your fault. Parenting is the hardest job in the world with the least training. Have you a partner? Could you come to some agreement that say, every Saturday afternoon he takes her off your hands so you know that you have a few hours to yourself each week.

I found the baby and toddler bit really hard (am just starting the toddler thing for the 3rd time!). I found that I didnt really do babies and toddlers. I enjoy being a mum much more when they get to about 3.

Please do not beat yourself up. I does sound like you need some time to find you again and is there a close RL friend you could confide in and let them know how tough you are finding things?

Hi Mammabelleboo, I've felt like this before as well but have found it does get easier. Are there any groups or classes you could go to just to change the routine a bit? I take my ds to swimming, music groups and baby and toddler groups and have found that a)he eats his food better because he's been active and b) he sleeps realy well afterwards. Also it gives us a break from just being with each other all the time.

aww, what you wrote ther about your lil one....well, she reminds me much of my ys...and like you I did doubt my abilities as a mum and it was a long slog, but, now he is 2 and he is getting easier...indeed, now he is probably the easiest to get on with!
Try to be kind to yourself, you are only human!
Am wondering if you may also suffer a touch with pnd.
finding either a hobby to give you some time to yourself or a part time job may also help...because sometimes we can loose our own identity when we become moms...we all expect life to change...but I don't think anyone ever imagines just how much!
Best of luck and I am sure you are doing a wonderful job, otherwise you wouldn't worry yourself so much about it!

Sorry, also meant to say that I agree with poppiesinaline about finding time for yourself. My dh takes ds off to his grandparents every few weeks for a day and I have some time to myself then just to relax - it really does help.

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mbb you are definitely NOT alone. I remember feeling like this and my DD1 also cried heaps and I felt responsbile. TBH I doubted my capabilities as a mother until I could begin to see the fruits of my labour. When my DD was around 18 months I remember sitting playing with her in a sunny garden and we made a real connection. It felt like a major breakthrough and I began (in a tiny way) to see her as a real little, loveable person. Until then I felt a bit like you, like I was crap, like I could do no right and that there was actually no joy to be had with her.

I echo jabberwocky and pudding about the class. I personally hated mother and toddler groups. I found it difficult to break into established groups and I didn't want to make polite conversation or have someone elses kid in my house when I was having enough issues with my own. I did join a mini gym class around the time my DD was 18 months, where everyone had responsibilty for their own child but there were structured group times at the beginning and the end. It took me a while to get in the swing of it but I do feel it was the start of me feeling better about myself. We started to have fun together and gradually we built on that. When she turned 3 she went to the class and I had to wait outside. Then I missed her .

What I'm trying to say is that you are not alone and that, personally, I believe we all have an age that we connect with more than another. I found out I'm best with over 2s.

My kids still throw dinner around and my DTs say "I no like it" before they've even tried it. Stay strong. You are a good mum. You're the only one she'll ever have or ever want. Keep going. Dip into MN frequently and I'm sure it will guide you through. Good luck honey x.

Good point about the bus Dior. I sometimes used to just take a short journey on the bus for fun, get off cross the road and come back again. My DD liked it (but got restless if it was too long). It made me feel part of the world and passed a wee while before or after lunch.

Take the week in little parts. Mondays, feed the ducks, Tuesdays a bus ride etc. I used to keep a pile of things my DD didn't normally play with (a box filled with old cereal boxes, wooden spoons, empty yoghurt pots). She'd be content for maybe 10 minutes and I'd grab some Hello mag time.

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Thank you all so much for your support & words of widsom. I feel better for getting it all off my chest & it does help to know that others have experienced similar feelings - it makes me feel i'm not completely mad! You have all raised some good suggestions. I can't pretend that I don't get some time to myself - my mum & mil are very good to me & dh will take her off my hands when he sees I'm at the end of my tether! i need to concentrate on making the best of the time I spend with her, ride out the rough bits & not take it all to heart. Most of all I need to believe that I am a good mum. I already do a mum & toddler group once a week - to be honest, i don't really look forward to it - another sign of my lack of confidence in myself, but i feel that everyone else but me is a good mum - eg, have been really worried about her choking (family history of it) as have had a few scary experiences, so have not really done much finger foods or feeding herself which I know I have to let her do or she'll be well behind. A couple of the ladies at playgroup know this & have been encouraging me to allow her to eat with the other little ones - it's a lovely group & each child gets a little plate of crisps, banana, cake etc. they are only trying to help, but it makes me feel useless that I'm having my hand held over it! Am also terrified now that she's crawling that she'll get trodden on by one of the more boisterous ones so spend all my time while I'm there worrying (again)! Like the idea of a bus ride & will also look into a baby music class as she does enjoy her musical toys. Thank you all so much again - Mumsnet Rules!!

Glad it helped getting it off your chest. Don't worry a jot about feeling like you're having your hand held, think of it as them joining you in helping to guide her.

I still feel I want to do everything for my DD1 (5.5) and protect her from everything but I also remind myself that unless I allow her to experience consequences and some of the bad stuff she won't be able to build her own defences. Maybe your mum wishes she could save you from all these feelings and down times but unless she lets you work it out for yourself she's not helping. Does that make sense??!!!

Keep going, stay strong, you will have good and bad days but you are doing your best.

MBB, this may be way out of line but a couple of things you say make me wonder if you might be a little depressed.
Have you talked to your HV or GP about how you feel?
I only say this bcs I missed PND with my first child, just had a horrible, anxious time, didn't enjoy any of it. It wasn't until I had my second child and had a crash that I got diagnosed, and things have been so different (lovely, fun) second time around. Bcs of this I am a bit evangelical, can't bear thought of people not spotting PND and so suffering unnecessarily. Of course, this may not apply at all to you. But I do think it's worth talking about your feelings with someone.

you've had much better stuff than I can offer but just to say that now that ds is 2.5 I can look back and see big 'jumps' in how bearable it all was at just before 1 year, 18 months and 2 years. the worst 6 months by a long chalk were the period 6 months - 1 year when ds wanted to do much more than he was able to do. I felt utterly rubbish at motherhood most of the time then. The big developmental jumps (walking, talking, a fraction of time playing by themselves happily) seemed unimaginable then but oh the difference when they can generate a bit of the entertainment themselves, and you can see and hear them being happy chappies at least some of the time.

DS has always been much happier with other people around and so have I (we are close to other houses and if he hears a tap on their doors he will race for our front door shouting 'THERE'S OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE' which can feel a bit rubbish when you know you've been suppressing yawns over the playdough for what seems like aeons but is actually 45 seconds. It took a while to hook up with other mums I felt comfortable with but it really did help once I did - i had to do a lot of deep breaths and phoning other people.

what a ramble. HTH anyway and hang on in there.

sorry, just looked at bakedpotato's post and would second her advice - i did in fact have mild PND for at least part of the first year and wish I had pursued this a bit more for treatment etc.

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Hi all, just found some time to log on again....little one is playing havoc around my feet, but hey ho!! Thanks again for all your messages - so nice to be able to read them all. Could be right about the depression thing, but i guess it's hard to admit it to yourself that it could be so & you tend to bury your head in the sand about it. Other things happening at home too at the mo, so a lot on my plate - will try & ride this out for a bit, if no better, could see about talking to someone.....maybe! Been down before & rode it out, so think I'll get through this too - happy times ahead!! Do feel more positive though than yesterday........thanks to you guys!! Cheers & take care all

Good for you mmb, keep posting and remember we're here.

Hi mmb, glad that you're feeling a bit more positive. If I'm ever feeling a bit blue one thing I do is write it all down, a bit of advice given to me by my GP. I know how it sounds but it really does work and then I don't take out my frustrations on whoever's closest!

Like fg says, we're here if you need us!

Hi mbb, I have just read this thread and wanted to say a couple of things - firstly, well done you for getting through those first difficult months; secondly, the things you describe your dd doing (biting, scratching etc) seem completely normal to me. As you say, she is not being malicious - I guess she is just trying to learn about herself and you, cause and effect etc.. I'm sure you're not a bad mum - sounds like you need to take it easy on yourself though, and learn not to take things so personally? (maybe prepare simpler things food-wise if she is going to throw some of it around?!)

Anyway, you sound more positive in your last post. I hope things work out for you.