high need babies

[mamawriggles]

Hi all, new to here came on looking for support / shared experiences of parenting a high need baby. Found an old thread from a few years ago but guessing most may have moved on so thought I'd start my own

I'm not one for giving a baby any label but having been given the dr sears book I think it's fair to say my 5m DD is high needs: terrible sleeper, hates to be left, super nosey, loves being carried in a sling, hates the car seat and pram, feeds frequently day and night.

Anyone else out there?

My DS who has just turned 2 was the high needs baby. Wouldn't be put down, hated pram and car seat, needed constant attention. As a result I believe he has become the most loving and considerate toddler ever. The attention he craved has benefited his speech and his intelligence. The bond we have is also very very strong.

I think high needs babies are incredibly bright and loving. I'm constantly getting comments about how alert DD is, usually when she is happily taking in the world from the sling!

Those of you with older kids how long did you breastfeed for? We've started DD on a bit of solids but I'm sure she won't want to be off the breast in any hurry!

Ah, great to find this thread!! We have a high needs one year old. She's always wanted to be held most the time, hates the car, not keen on buggy, etc. I still look at other babies snoozing happily in prams and feel envious. It is hard I think for people who've not had a HN baby to imagine what it's like to be attached to them 24/7.

She's always been a terrible sleeper but after DH and I getting to breaking point we have done some gentle sleep training and it has worked miracles. She seemed ready for it though, which was key.

I agree that it can be great to meet like minded people who don't necessarily try to get their babies to be independent early on (because IMO that is the norm now). LLL meetings are great for this as are things like natural parenting or sling meets. One thing I will say though is that until recently I felt we could never do anything that didn't fit into the whole attachment parenting criteria but in fact it's not always helpful to align yourself completely with one way of parenting. I'm definitely in the minority at the LLL group I go to in that I've done some sleep training but we are all happier for it. There comes a point where you need to start to work on teaching your baby that you can meet their needs but also yours too. I think when they get a bit older their wants and needs so start to separate a bit.

DD was high needs and the first year was...hell, quite frankly. Over time it got easier, though she didn't sleep through the night once till 18 months (still doesn't with any regularity) and couldn't stand unsupported till 20 months or walk till 22, so there was a lot of carrying (she's on the 91st percentile for height and weight - my spine may never recover!) And like a previous poster mentioned, she was an angry, unhappy, unsettled baby for most of the first year.

BUT - she's a delight now, and has been for some time. A funny, happy, affectionate girl - for having been so clingy, she's remarkably independent - able to play by herself and keep herself entertained for well over an hour, I'm always surprised by how much interaction other children seem to need in comparison - yet still very loving and cuddly. She's very bright too, a real chatterbox with a wide vocabulary, she constantly amazes me with how much she picks up on.

My only advice would be to just "give in" and let baby lead you for now,you will both be better for it than trying to force things to happen a certain way because that's how they're "supposed" to be. People will tell you daft things about how they're "spoiled", have "got you wrapped round their little finger", etc, etc. These people are not generally the ones who have to live with your baby! Relax into it and just do as your tiny dictator demands for now - I found with DD it was much easier to make changes (such as with how to respond to her frequent wakings) once she was older and had more understanding of why they were happening.

I must say I'm alarmed to hear of 2nd and 3rd high needs babies though! DS is due in a few weeks and the only thing keeping me going is the oft-quoted belief that 2nd children are "easier". He had bloody well better be!

Oh, btw mamawriggles - DD is still breastfeeding at 2.4 and showing no signs of stopping - this is one of the things I've just "given in" to! Hopefully she'll stop before she starts school...

I suspect that 90% of babies across the world are "high needs". Parents have different perceptions of what an easy baby is.
A family friend once commented that my one baby was more work than all four of hers combined. You'd know a high needs baby when you saw one, I'm sure.

Just to make things interesting, my daughter not only refused to be put down as a baby she refused to go in a sling. She also wouldn't breastfeed until she was a month old, and never very well at all.

On the plus side, toddler and teenager tantrums were a breeze in comparison. She's now a perfectly mostly lovely 18 year old.
Although she did talk herself into being an only child very early on.

My son was a high needs baby. I planned to bf & use a sling etc anyway so was drawn to the AP approach. I found that life got easier as he became more mobile. Each milestone toward his independence (grabbing toys, sitting, crawling etc) made life easier, albeit we'd have the usual regression with each stage in development. (See the wonder weeks website). Once he could walk things were massively better, and by 18/24mo he was the child who'd share willingly and ensure all nearby children had toys. He's just-3 now and the high needs stage seems a distant memory. I recommend being realistic, try not to compare other babies who can miss naps or don't need quiet time etc. IME these alert babies need downtime, but need the perfect conditions to relax (haven't we all been physically exhausted but mentally alert, it is a horrible feeling). Get help- online grocery shopping, cleaners, whatever. Avoid people who can't or won't understand that babies are all individuals and having a "good sleeper" is a case of luck, it's not the definitive sign of being a great parent.

I recommend this book to all parents.
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1405320362?cache=7f5558d274a18142f07bdb92b2fa2e75&pi=SY200_QL40&qid=1402774085&sr=1-1#ref=mp_s_a_1_1

Just another thought- bring trained to be so in tune with your baby from a young age seems to go hand in hand with having an easier time of the "terrible twos". You can avert tantrums before they start because you know your child is becoming hungry or tired or overstimulated...

Another HN baby here! Dd is 5mo and has only ever slept longer than 2 hours once so far. We've had to co-sleep since day two, and she refuses her sidecar crib so bed shares with me. DH sleeps in another room She has silent reflux and is on Ranitidine, but refuses her Domperidone (and anything else with the same consistency, so no Calpol either). She hates her pushchair and car seat, and prefers being carried in asking by DH facing out wards so that she can get a better nose at what everyone else is up to. Her swimming instructor describes her as "industrious", which is pretty spot on. people are always telling me how alert she is.

It is so good to hear I'm not alone. My mum had 5 children and says she's never known one like Dd. I'm utterly broken by the relentlessness of it all, and just don't really know what to do. On average, we have 6 feeds between 12 and 6 am, and then every 1.5 hours in the day. It is so hard to go anywhere or do anything, and I'm not sure other people really understand

Book, keep repeating to yourself, this will get better and this will pass! The older they get the more you can buy yourself a few minutes by distracting them with something. We have just transitioned our baby to a cot with some v gentle sleep training and she's now sleeping amazingly compared to when we were co sleeping. However she is 12 months now and feeding to sleep wasn't working anymore so it's almost like she was telling us she wanted a change.

That sounds great BB. We've just got a cot, but we feel like light years away from actually using it. Here's hoping things start to get better for everyone soon

chickz my DS was a total misery for the first 12 months of his life. He whined and moaned and cried most of the day, most days.

He suddenly cheered up dramatically 2 weeks after his first birthday when he got up and decided to walk! I think he just hated being a helpless, immobile baby! He cried in his buggy at 3mo until I worked out that he wanted to face outwards ie away from me, to see what was going on in the world. He stopped drinking all milk (ie formula - we have up BF at 2 weeks old cos it was a disaster) at 10mo.

He has just always been in a desperate hurry to grow up. Maybe your dd is the same?

DS is now 18mo and it is SO SO much easier than when he was 8mo. Even with the tantrums. He is just happier now he is not a baby anymore. And so am I!!! Hang in there it will get better xx

DD ticked a lot of the high needs baby boxes. She is now 18 months and only a bit more hard work than the average so we have made a lot of progress!

With hindsight I think her high needs were about 50% down to having tongue tie (things improved a lot once we got that cut at 4 months) and the resulting poor sleep habits (which improved a lot once we sleep trained). The other 50% is her personality - she is still very impatient and needs a LOT of stimulation! On the other hand she's very chatty, interactive, and often hilarious.

Book, I honestly THOUGHT DD would never, ever, ever self settle, let alone in a cot. But it's like this is what she's been needing - maybe not all along, but she seems to have accepted it so fast and just cuddles up with a teddy most nights now subs nods off. Sometimes she cries but not any more than she did when we walked her round the house. The key thing I think is that she was ready for a change and so were we. She was, honest to goodness, attached to me almost 24/7 for the first year. I don't regret it but I was ready to have some of my own space back by a year.

My DS2 is high needs (which was a shock as ds1 was so easy going), I co-slept out of necessity because it was the only way he would sleep at all. He fed hourly day and night (so I got woken up hourly too), screamed if he wasn't being held/on the boob. Things didn't begin to improve until he was 10 months when he began going to 2hrs between night feeds.
He refused solids until a year old.
Until he was 14 months I used to go to bed at 7pm with him because he wouldn't sleep unless he was next to me. At 14 months I managed to get him to sleep in a cot for part of the night.
He's now a very energetic, extremely mischievous and highly intelligent two year old.
He's very affectionate, has a lovely smile but is still very demanding. He still breastfeeds but only twice overnight and twice during the day. He hasn't really grown out of being high needs, it's just that his needs are different now.
He's an absolute joy though, I wouldn't change him but I don't think I could cope with another like him so I'm very glad DS1 is so lovely and laid back.

Argh help, we have just had the worst night ever with DD waking up every hour. Only way I can settle her is on the boob. I've woken up in a foul mood with a sore nipple. Not sure how much more of this I can take. Please tell me it will get better SOON! !

oh dear mama! any chance she is teething? My Dd got her first teeth around that age and was miserable (and woke up a lot) until they cut through. nurofen helped a lot at night.

yeah my dad suggested that too, could be possible. She's been ratty this afternoon but can't tell if that's tiredness from last night or if she's in pain. I might try giving her some calpol before bed.

Yes try calpol (or nurofen - it works much better for teeth). If she sleeps much better afterwards then you know she's been in some pain and it's probably teeth. If not then it's a sleep regression or something!