How do I support with a friend whose partner hits and demeans their children?

[Jules2]

I'm finding this a very difficult problem. My friend has a 10-yr-old daughter and 7-yr-old autistic son. Her partner, their father, is very volatile and can be cruel and play mind games with all 3 of them. He isn't English and I think his cultural background predisposes him to a different set of 'rules' when it comes to his parenting. He sees himself as solely a breadwinner, seems to resent my friend going out in the evening, spends very little time with his children and seems to belittle all his daughter's achievements. I know he has smacked his son in the past when he has wet/soiled himself - and put him under a cold shower to 'teach him'. I know also that he does a lot of shouting. Last weekend my daughter was at their house and witnessed this man slapping his daughter across the face twice for not doing what he'd asked of her. She was naturally very upset and told my DD that he had slapped her before. I picked my DD up some 5/6 hours later and there was still a red mark on this girl's face! My friend has passed the whole thing off as not being significant, saying her children are not in danger and that it was only a slap. This, in itself, is very worrying as I wonder how used to this behaviour they've become. I feel she is in denial - the situation is complicated and she is financially dependent on her partner so would find it hard to even threaten to leave. (She may have feelings for him, despite what I may think of him.) But I think she is burying her head in the sand because it's too hard to deal with - and she's hoping for some miracle change in her partner. I don't want her to feel I'm bullying her and I don't want to take it any further (i.e. to social services). But, if she won't deal with the situation and try to stop the abusive behaviour, where does that leave me? My daughter values her daughter's friendship (they've known each other since they were babies) and I wouldn't want to just turn my back on the situation and pretend everything's OK - that would be easier maybe but cowardly. But I really don't know what to do in the best interests of the children. Does anyone have a similar experience? What should I do?

You support this family by calling social services and telling them what you have witnessed. Now.

You have to protect the child every time. Your friend is scared of him. It is now your responsibility because you.know.

Your dd witnessed an assault. You can report this to the police and this will start the ball rolling.

You call the NSPCC and Social Services. That is what you do. Do it first thing tomorrow.

I understand that you feel you are in an impossible situation because, I expect, you imagine your friend will feel betrayed if you got to social services. You may also be worried that your friend might find herself in the firing line from her H on account of your intervention. I can absolutely understand your reluctance to call SS.

But. If you don't, you ARE turning a blind eye to abuse. It's harsh, but unfortunately true. And also if it helps, I can almost guarantee that whatever her initial reaction, your friend would be grateful in the long term. When yard living in a home where there is domestic abuse, y can often feel paralysed yourself. You fear repercussions and often let bad things continue out of a general ear of what worse may come if you expose the situation. From experience I can say that having someone take that decision away from would be a godsend.

Yuan tell your friend of your intention first to a) give her the chance to tackle it and b) avoid the 'betrayal/behind my back' row, but stand firm if yell her. The children must come first.

Good luck

Stupid iPad. I hope you could broadly follow my post

Actually, I have a slight (but important) change to add to my advice after reading Snot's post

Tell your friend that if she doesn't report it to SS, then you will. Thus giving her the chance to put herself in a much better light in any investigation that is undertaken.

The most vulnerable people in this are the children. They have no choice here. They can't walk away, they can't do anything except live in the situation unless someone gets them some help.

For that reason, I would prioritise them and contact social services. They can help the family.

and time limit it ie. she rings SS withing 24/48 hrs or whatever

I was the child in this situation. People turned a blind eye. It eventually fell to my brother (he was 13 and did it for my sake apparently). Please tell- either tell her to call SS or you will, or act now. This is abuse as you know, you can't not involve social services.

Hi Jules

I hope that this thread hasn't scared you off. You were clearly hoping for the magical 'fourth option' to present itself, but unfortunately, it doesn't exist.

It's not fair that it has to be you, and as people, we are all a bit reluctant to involve ourselves in other peoples family life but we have to learn to stop thinking of it as 'meddling' and look at the reality of what we are seeing all around us every day - amongst friends, in schools, in the press. And we have to accept that if we are in a position where we can do something and step in, then we have a responsibility to every single child to do that.

Your intervention could prevent this from escalation. Your intervention could shape the chidrens lives for the better. Your friends too if she finds the strength to do the right thing.

But we are all responsible, and that means you have to do something.

I know it's hard, but try not to look upon it as 'I wish I didn't know, I wish it didn't have to be me' and instead think 'thank god I know and someone can do something'/

And AF is dead right about giving your friend the opportunity to make that call, it will make her dealings with SS much easier in the long run.

Please come back. I keep thinking about that little boy in the cold shower :(

Thanks to everyone for your good advice - and I do agree I was looking for a 'soft option' - don't know what that could have been! I'm very much aware of not leaving this situation until it gets much worse, or even ends in tragedy. And the children's well being must come before my friendship with their mother. I will be talking to my friend tomorrow and will give her the option of seeking help herself asap as I truly don't believe she can persuade her partner to behave like a decent father (even if he isn't violent towards her - yet). And, if she won't do it, then I will have to. Heavy heart.

It's the right thing to do op.

You are the best chance those kids have got right now

He's breaking the law if he's smacking her so hard it leaves a mark, let alone 5-6 hours later :(

And the other stuff is abusive, too, but you know that.

Yep, SS. And walk the walk.

And if you turn a blind eye you are sending a message to your own DD that this is an acceptable way for a man to behave. I don't think you have any choice really OP.

That's awful. Especially the bit about the cold shower for accidents

He's doing serious, deep psychological harm there as well as 'just' physical instances. What's sadder is that their mum clearly isn't protecting them so they're extra vulnerable.

Please report it.

Jules. You are doing the right thing. Good for you

UPDATE. As I expected my friend didn't welcome my 'interference' in her family which she says is only her business and she has the situation under 'control' (that she will do something if/when she feels her children are in any danger). I have several texts from her that seem to show she is, if not exactly happy, at least not overly concerned about the status quo and, after having a very heated talk with her about it all last week (when she walked out on me), I came to the conclusion that maybe I've got her wrong (not the situation) - that maybe she isn't that disturbed by her partner mistreating their children, as long as he leaves her alone? She is a complicated person. I gave her a few days to think about what I'd said and I hoped she might actively seek some help by herself. But when I saw her again on Tues eve she refused to talk to me, wouldn't even look at me - and, worse still, completely blanked my DD who has done nothing to her. She has also instructed her DD NOT to talk to me, presumably worried I will pump the poor child for information. My sympathy is now giving way to lack of respect for her. I called the NSPCC today for advice and they said there are good reasons to be concerned about the children. They will pass all the info I gave on to Childcare Services and the police (the police will keep the family's details for future ref). So it's up to SS to try and intervene now. I still have a niggle that somehow I have over-reacted but I know the choice was either to ignore what I do know and perhaps walk away from the whole family - or act. No choice really. I feel really bad for my DD as one outcome will be the loss of her friend of some 9 or so years - I don't think that's dawned on her yet as they don't go to the same school. She will miss her in the holidays and I think her friend will miss us too.

You did the right thing. She left you no choice

Yes. You did the right thing. Well done OP. Sorry you lost a friend.

well done OP

You have done the right thing and you have given those children a chance.

Your DD will miss her friend but not so much that she won't make new ones and not so much that it wasn't the right choice. And Its hard to know whether your friends ambivalence is down to general apathy/uncaring, or fear of her DH. It could easily be either. But in time she may come to be grateful for the intervention and you will be able to have her and her DD back in your lives.

In the meantime, sleep well at night, with a clear conscience. Well done.

And I'm sure this man's behaviour is not cultural. Child abuse exists everywhere as does kindness and care for children.

You have done the right thing, the children couldn't act for themselves.