My partner isnt interested in having a family, Im surprisingly upset. Help!

[fakeflower]

I am 28 and my boyfriend is 30. We have been together 2 years and we are really in love, we get on well and have amazing chemistry together. Im very happy.

He made it clear in an indirect way when we first started dating that he's never had an interest in starting a family. I largely avoided the convo in the early days as it seemed a bit serious. But when he said it the 1st time I wanted to cry on the spot and obsessed about it for a while.

The weird thing is that I dont really have maternal feelings, child birth scares me and I have only a small interest in babies. But I am very family orientated, so can imagine this all changing in the future and Im scared about us conflicting. Part of me thinks I just want him to WANT to have children with me, as I get the ultimate say anyway (my body etc).

Twice the topic has come in past few months and he has said he would have children if thats what I wanted, but he doesnt have the urge yet.

My questions are (i'm hoping mothers can help!)

*Is it a bad idea to have a baby if your partner isnt 100% keen on the idea, but has said he will support you? Do you need that total emotional commitment?
*Have you heard of people (men I guess) changing thier minds after 30?
*Shall I just wait it out or have a big serious talk? even though Im not sure what I want?

Thank you for your help. This has been stressing me out a surprising amount!

My dp wasn't mad keen on having kids - the only reason he did agree to in the end is because we were getting older and he knew I wanted them. We now have two and he adores them, and is a wonderful dad. I'm not sure some men ever get the 'urge' that many women do.
We had been together for 10 years by that point though, had bought a house and were financially ok so a lot of the other pressures were off - we knew we were in it for the long term, and also knew we had similar ideas on how children should be raised.

Thanks DIY. Thats interesting. Im in no rush to have babies, but I can imagine I will do in the next few years! Esp if our relationship carries on getting more solid. I think he would be a great dad!

To be honest, if everybody waited until they were 100% sure about having children before they went for it then we would have a much smaller population!! Lots of people feel very unsure before they go down that road. The good thing is that he's being very honest with you about how he feels rather than making false promises. It's very difficult for someone to promise they are going to want to do something in the future. It says a lot about how he feels about you that he would do it for you even if he was unsure but it would be unfair to ask him to make promises like that.

Yes lots and lots of people change their mind in their thirties as they become aware of time running out and their friends start having children. However, it's a very big undertaking so both parties have to make the decision - if one person feels coerced then it will very likely lead to resentments building up particularly in the difficult times. So I would strongly advise you not to push the issue on him in any way.

I think you are afraid that at some point in the future you are going to have to choose between your relationship and having a family. The most you can do right now is be honest about how you feel and see if he can talk a bit more about his feelings and why he doesn't feel it's important to him the way it is to you. I wouldn't throw a good relationship away over this, though. This may well be something you can work through in time if you keep talking about it when you need to. Please don't let it spoil things for you right now though. My dh decided in his mid thirties that he wanted children and now we have a dd who we adore but we are so glad we had so many happy times together just the two of us first.

Good luck and don't give up on him yet!

However if he is adamant that he isn't going to change his mind, don't waste the next 10 years hoping he will anyway and end up too old to have them with someone else...

I was never that sure about having children, it was my DH who was keen. If he hadn't been bothered, I don't know if I would have bothered. So a bit like your DH, I had children to please my partner, because I love him and was not madly against the idea, just neutral.

Anyway, said children are practically grown up & DH & I are still going strong, so I really wouldn't worry. Just because one of you 'goes along with it' to please the other, doesn't mean it won't work.

Yeah agree with above - its often the case that one partner wants children less than the other and goes ahead with it not because want children particularly, but because they love their partner and want them to be happy. And it works out fine.
Also think of all those happy accidents! Neither partner wants a child then - but it all works out fine in the end, because children are so lovely to have around!

I think you should write to Kirsty Allsop

Neither of us were keen on having children until I fell pregnant unexpectedly then miscarried. We were both then desperate for the chance to be parents. Don't know how that helps but it's another angle to look from I suppose. It's maybe not that you really want them but do you want to not have them?

My DP wasn't keen on children when we first met. He changed his mind as he was getting older and a bit of pressure from me but still not over the moon about it.

He became a dad to twins at 40 and once the initial shock wore off he fell in madly love with them and is a fantastic father. He now says he can't imagine his life without them.

What is his opinion on this - imagine that tomorrow you would find out you are pregnant?

Thank you all so much for your helpful responses. It has made me realise I'm not being mad and I should approach the subject head on. It's encouraging to hear your stories.