hes nearly 4 and no where near dry

[sarajm]

hiya im new to the website but i badly need some advise
my son will be 4 in november and hes no were near becoming dry at the start of the year we were doing so well with the whole potty training he was nearly dry thoughout the day, but then he had a really bad stomach bug that he was ill with for over a week
but since then its been a no go, and its really getting me down i feel like im such a bad mother what with one thing after another
me and my hubby have tried our best bringing up our son with next to no help from people due to there being no one in which to help and we really lack friends that have children. plus on top of this we had his pre school swing round and tell us his speech was really lagging behind and that he needed help with its delevlopment we already knew things werent right in that area and had been trying our best to righten it but still came as a shock when someone makes it feel like its all your fault that your child isnt a chattabox like the rest of his classmates
anyway as u can proberly guess me and my hubby have been working on that so hes not left behind with his school friends but its also meant that hes now really lagging behind with potty training
we bought him the pull up pants so he would feel slightly more grown up and try to get him to go to the loo as often as possible. some days are great and hes goes and does something everytime others he can just do it all in his nappy and doesnt think twice
im at my wits end and i feel like im such a bad mother my hubby feels the same with his dad skills. half the time it brings me to tears and im feeling so bad about it all
plus on top of all this he starts back at school on tuesday and i feel bad because yet again at the start of a new term he still isnt potty trained
any advise would be great as at the moment im on such a downer about it all
and i dont agree with the whole scream at them everytime they do something in a nappy ive seen the after effects of that were the child feels like they have to hide accedents
please help

Sorry to hear you're feeling so bad about this. Sounds like you need to draw a line under and make a fresh start with the toilet training. I would advise ditching the pull-ups. Go for underpants and a reward system. No negatives for accidents, just clean up, be matter of fact and say better luck next time. If he's physically ready to train you should see progress within a week (don't expect 100%) - accident free usually comes over many months. If no progress stop and try again a month later. We had three false starts like this. Treat night and day-time dryness as separate issues. If you search the archives here you will find lots of detailed advice. HTH

Hi sorry you feel so down
Just wanted to say that when we potty trained dd1 when she was about 2 ,we tried the pull up's for a while but found that they just moved the problem so to speak so we ditched them and for about 3 days we had accidents but it suddenly clicked in her head and she was dry day and night from then on .I think if you use pull ups then they never learn when they are 'wet'iykwim?

Sarajm - I'm the last person on MN who should be giving advice about toilet-training but I couldn't leave your thread without replying. My ds1 was 4yrs 2mths old before he finally 'got' it. This was literally less than a month before he started school. My ds2 is 3.5yrs and is still in nappies.

Both of my boys have/had problems with their speech (they are autistic). Some people will always try to blame the parents for it. With ds1 I was told it was because I didn't talk to him enough or later because I talked to him too much! How is your little boy's speech now? Have you been given help with it from a speech therapist or just left to get on with it?

Something that might help you in general (not just the toiletting issue) is to contact your local portage service and ask for some help. You can usually find their details by putting "portage" and the name of your town/city in Google. It sounds as though you could really do with some real-life support too. xxx

Really feel for you because of how low you feel. There are some excellent threads on potty training. But from experience you need a break from the training so you can feel emotionally ready to know you and your little boy will suceed. Sounds like you are caring parents so try not to give yourselves a hard time. I know we only cracked the potty training when we both relaxed. The most important for me was being consistant with my son. Straight into big boy pants. You also know from the past that he can achieve this. We have finally got our little boy dry, number twos need some work, but I do believe he will get there. We had a long time of wet pants but it did click when we relaxed and stopped talking about the potty all the time. Limited conversation to good boy for keeping your pants dry and not keeping asking him all the time did he need to go. We also had a long break back into nappies to break the stress. I do think that helps. I also sought support and reading others experiences on mumsnet was really helpful.
I do believe all children develop at different rates and eventually catch up. It is hard not to compare particularlly if you have some worries. Get these checked out for your peace of mind. Finally if you do get to have a break from the potty training I'm sure you'll find you can enjoy some positive play time with your little one. From my experience I had got so wrapped up in potty training and suceeding that I was overlooking the other aspects of being a mum. I was not enjoying my time with my little boy plus I think I was making him unhappy. I think the break from training enabled us to have some relaxed play time together that laid the foundations to suceeding. Good luck