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Parenting

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Original poster

Son was not invited to best friends bday, apparently because my ds might not like paintball??

43 replies

lolato · 02/06/2014 17:08

Found out on fb that ds best friend had a paintball birthday party. Was really annoyed that my ds did not get invited, especially as the other 6 boys invited were not any closer than my ds. Today at school, one mum mentioned the party to the mum who organised it so I thought that could be a good time to discuss it.. I said, oh really he had a party? She said yes sorry didn't invite ur son as first couldn't invite everyone and second thought ur son might not like it... Was very hurt by it as I tend to invite him more than others (although haven't had a play date since Easter) . Aibu to be hurt!?? I replied back that ds might have liked it but never mind... Didn't know et to say... How would u have reacted??

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Llareggub · 02/06/2014 18:30

Paintballing? For 8 year olds? I have a tall, sporty 7.5 year old boy and NO WAY would he be up for paintballing. I thought it was more a teen/adult thing?

QuintessentiallyQS · 02/06/2014 18:31

Could the issue be space in the car?

Original poster

lolato · 02/06/2014 18:35

Thanks all for our honest opinion.

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grocklebox · 02/06/2014 18:38

It really doesn't matter why he wasn't invited, he wasn't, and you should never have asked. It was really rude to put her on the spot like that.
You need to learn, and to teach your children, that nobody is entitled to an invite to anything, and the only acceptable response is to smile and say nothing.

Biscuitsneeded · 02/06/2014 18:49

We did Go Ape with 4 friends for Ds's 8th birthday. After quite a bit of soul searching we didn't invite a very good family friend who is also in his class at school, with whom he has grown up etc. We made this decision because she has form for taking fright at things and refusing to participate - fully understandable, but I so couldn't afford to spend £16 and use up a space in the car on a child who might not actually get up on the high ropes at all. I did feel guilty and wondered for ages how to broach it with her mother - especially as I didn't want to sound like I was saying her DD is a wuss (!) but in the end I just said we could only take 4 to the birthday treat but would love to have her for tea on DS's actual birthday instead. That seemed to go fine (I hope!). It may be that if your son has shown fear in the past in boisterous situations, or doesn't react well to getting hurt, it might have been a pragmatic decision and in no way meant as a slight.
I think paintballing sounds really unpleasant - perhaps he's had a lucky escape!

QuintessentiallyQS · 02/06/2014 18:53

My youngest, who is 8, does not like the idea of paintballing at all.

Squeegle · 02/06/2014 19:06

Agree, it's painful. But these things happen, and he needs to be resilient. Best way to deal with it is to say sorry son, sometimes not everyone gets an invite. And then move on to organising what you're doing for his birthday,

You don't want to teach him bitterness. It is everyone's prerogative to ask who they want to a party.

By the way, something like this happened to my daughter!! I still remember it and was angry inside, but tried not to show my daughter. I think she learned the lesson ok, and actually (and separately), she gradually became less friendly with the girl. So, it's all water under the bridge now!

Sparklingbrook · 02/06/2014 19:07

Our local Paintball place also does Laser Tag, so could be something like that.

Original poster

lolato · 02/06/2014 19:31

I was not rude, I did not ask her why he was not invited. I just said I didn't know her D's had party. What should I have said? Some of your opinions are quite tough, I do see your point but did not think you would be so harsh on me! I just feel sorry for my son, which I think is very natural and was definitely not rude don't see why I should apologise.

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LIZS · 02/06/2014 20:17

did you need to say anything ?

mummyxtwo · 03/06/2014 09:52

I would be upset too tbh but would try not to make a deal about it for ds. It's hard as a mum because you want to protect them from the hurt of feeling excluded and yet that does happen in life and they have to learn to deal with it. My dc's are younger so are at the age where as a mum I can make sure friends aren't excluded from parties. I guess it becomes harder as they get older and you have to let them make their own choices. Your ds in turn may end up leaving another friend out of one of his own parties in the future. Friendships wax and wane and it can seem like your child is flavour of the month one day and then you worry they don't have any friends another day. I'm sure it will blow over and be forgotten about and your ds's friendships will continue unaffected. I didn't quite understand your not wanting to do something for ds's bday though? I can understand feeling a bit anti the other mum, even though it probably isn't her fault and she just went with her son's choice, but don't lose heart in planning something for him. If he has been disappointed by this, then do something to cheer him up - you're not doing a party or a gathering at home for the other childrens' sakes, after all, it is to make your ds happy on his birthday.

eddielizzard · 03/06/2014 09:56

well it's hurtful but i wouldn't take it to heart. ask your ds what he wants to do for his party and accommodate what you can. i would still invite this boy if your ds wants him at his party. rise above.

KEGirlOnFire · 03/06/2014 10:08

This happened to DD. She's only in Reception and this particular child was just having a small tea-party for a few girls. She asked her Mum while they were around here for a playdate, if DD could come to her party and the Mum said yes. Then she didn't get an invite, but all the other girls in the class did.

But I have risen above it. I've invited the whole class to DD's party. Unfortunately other Mums who were affronted on our behalf (the invites were handed out in front of parents in the playground and it's a very small school so everyone saw) haven't invited this DC to their DCs parties so indirectly she has been effected. I have since found out that it was the decision of the Mother because 'KEGirl's DD gets invited to loads of stuff because her Mum gets on with everyone'. Bizarre!

Rise above it, let your DS have his party and even invite this child if he wants him there. Let it go, really. It'll eat you up if you let it...

Nectar · 04/06/2014 10:01

I do feel for you OP, but definitely think you should still let your son have his birthday celebration.

Children can get left out of parties for all sorts of reasons though. Do you want to hear the most bizarre reason I've come across? A boy at my dc's primary school at the time had a November birthday, which meant that it fell just a few weeks after the children got their 11+ results.

Most of them hoping for a Grammar School place the following year passed, but unfortunately the birthday boy didn't and was very upset. So, out of his group of friends, his mum ONLY invited the children to his party who either hadn't passed the 11+ or hadn't sat it anyway, to avoid her son being upset at his party by any talk of Grammar School.

My ds was invited as he wasn't expected to get to Grammar anyway, but I did feel sad for the 'Grammar' children who were just as close friends with this boy but must have felt really left out. Some parents can act very oddly when it comes to parties.

Willthisworknow · 04/06/2014 18:52

My ds seems to have not been invited to a party when his mum asked how to arrange the hall. Tbh really speaking to my son even tho they've had play dates, they don't really seem to get on. I'm still annoyed no invite seems forthcoming as believe its a week on Sunday. But there are 60 in my sons class so I appreciate not everyone can be invited.children are fickle and Bessie mates change all the time. Just treat your friend as you always would. Don't get involved in parent politics - not worth it.

Original poster

lolato · 05/06/2014 07:17

Hi all thanks very much for your support! I am much better now,D's is completely fine and is still playing with his boy which I am happy about as I told him to still be v good friend with him.I will be having a " party" at home with 2 of his friends( but sorry do not feel like inviting the boy)...although I am better, disappointed by all this politics.... The mum clearly said her D's wanted to invite DS so did her son but she decided against it and preferred to invite a boy whose mum was really giving her grief last year( I supported her through it)... I guess we all want to protect our kids but as some of you said we can't and shouldn't always do that...
Have a nice day all and thanks again!!

OP posts:

desertgirl · 05/06/2014 07:37

Lolato, did you mean to include your DS's name? You might want to report?

Momlove · 03/03/2019 07:01

It happened to my daughter yesterday, one of her best friend, didnt invite her to her bd party, I saw the party on FB. (My daughter dosent know about it, )but I am so hurt and upset for her, they are friends since they were babies, always sleepovers (mostly in our house), we always invited her and my daughter was always invited to their BD party.
No matter how much you can say " dont take it so hard", maybe they had a reason", but no , I am hurt and upset that friends ,or at least I thought they are, would behave in such an awful way. Sigh...:(
My husband is even more upset then I am 😞

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