Change in relationship with DH

[Diamondsareagirls]

I am struggling a bit to come to terms with the change in my relationship with my DH since we had our babies two months ago and wondered if anyone else has felt like this or could offer some advice.

I had twins 8 weeks ago and prior to that I felt I had a wonderful relationship with my DH. We were really close and rarely argued.

However, since I gave birth we have had some big arguments about me feeling not supported enough. He is fantastic with the DTs and does help me out a lot when he is home. However, since he has gone back to work I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I am the one that has to make all the decisions/set the routine/attend the appointments etc with the babies and feel like I am doing this largely on my own. Writing this down I can see it sounds ridiculous as I am on maternity leave and he is at work so of course this is what I should be doing. It isn't that I mind doing it, it's that I feel our daily lives are so far apart now that he doesn't understand what life is like for me and we are steadily growing apart.

I find myself torn wishing that I could go back to work so things are on a more equal footing and then feeling ridiculously guilty as I do genuinely enjoy and want to spend the time with my children.

Is this just how it is now? Do I need to just get on with it and accept that I will not have the same relationship with DH from now on?

This sounds perfectly normal to me - it is still very early days, and it's hard enough with 1 baby, nevermind twins!

Having children is going to change your relationship - it's no longer just the 2 of you, and you have 2 demanding and needy small people which rely on you completely. It just takes a bit of time for things to settle down - I presume you are both tired, which doesn't help either. Young babies put a strain on the strongest of relationships, but it isn't necessarily permanent - you need to allow yourselves time to adapt to your new roles as parents, and try to make allowances for you both.

You are learning to be a mother/parent! And you are on your own all day with tiny twins! Of course it's hard, and it is difficult for your DH, whose life hasn't been turned upside down to anything like the same extent, to understand - let alone support you in a role he doesn't yet know either.

There is lots of support on Mumsnet!

Ellypoo put it very well.

Your relationship has changed. You are no longer a couple. You are parents. The biggest commitment anyone can make.

It takes time to adjust to your new roles. And whilst those roles are equal, they are not the same.

Thank you so much everyone. I wasn't expecting such nice replies. I don't think you ever realise how hard it is having a baby. They are wonderful but it is a slog at times and so tiring!

Thank you so much everyone. I wasn't expecting such nice replies. I don't think you ever realise how hard it is having a baby. They are wonderful but it is a slog at times and so tiring!

I could write a book on the shock of having a baby.

Where to start? The actual birth? No ante-natal class prepares you for that. There are no words that you would have believed. I honestly think I had some post-traumatic syndrome. Not because if was unusually traumatic - quite the reverse. It was fairly routine but extraordinarily traumatic to me.

As for the effect on your life. Well, what can I say? Everything changes big time. That career you were so invested in? Seems remote now. That relationship based on two people with outside interests and input? Just him now.

The responsibility, the loneliness and dare I say it, the boredom. And many times I asked myself, 'I wanted this?'.

I've just painted a pretty bleak picture.

But I wouldn't change a thing. My children bring so much to my life. I adore them. And if I look back I didn't want to be just a parent. i wanted to be a mother. It's more than a noun - it's a verb.

Hang on in there! It all makes sense in the end.

I felt exclactly like you, op. I couldn't believe what had happened to our relationship, and resented Dh for his relative freedom and ignorance.

I found things got markedly easier around the 6/7 month mark, when ds started to need me a bit less. I have made a concerted effort to make Dh take an active role in decisions, but have come to accept that it is still ultimately my responsibility.

But my point is that I was where you are - confused and dismayed and wondering where my lovely partner had gone. We had some awful rows. I thought he baby had ruined my relationship. But things have got much better (ds is 11mo), helped no doubt by the fact that we are all getting more sleep, and now I realise why people have a second child...!

I could have written your post.

I barely recognise my relationship with DH anymore.

The first 6 weeks were the hardest - we were constantly arguing but I know it was just out of sheer exhaustion. We just bickered all the time. I remember bursting into tears at ASDA because we'd had another petty sniping session.

DS is 10 weeks now and mine and DH's relationship has far improved in terms of the arguing, we seem much better now that my emotions are more stable and we're both getting more sleep - but there's still something that just doesn't feel the same.

I do all the childcare whilst DH is at work (obviously) but even when DH is home I feel I do about 90% of the care and DH only does the other 10% when I tell him what to do.

We are no longer a couple we just seem to co-exist. It's a very strange feeling and I miss the way we used to be. We hardly cuddle and kiss anymore, that romantic side of our relationship seems to have gone.

I'm seriously hoping things improve over the coming months because I miss him. I absolutely adore my DS but the effect it's had on me and DH does upset me at times.

Writerwannabe... What you describe describes me exactly. I'm at the point where I wonder if it is over :-(.

Writerwannabe, what you describe was exactly us too. We fought a lot. DD is now 12 months and things have improved a lot, but I don't know if things will ever be the same again. Strangely enough, he thinks out relationship has strengthened since having DD, and I think it's the opposite. We have discussed it, and I have told him that there are a few things he did that are unforgivable, and also that I am definitely not having more children, I don't think our relationship could handle it.

We read a book called "baby proofing your marriage". Helped a lot. You're not alone!

Oh cookie - does your DP/DH know how you feel?

shones,ole - me and DH always said we'd only have one child and now that DS is here it has only resolved that. I doubt we'd survive another child either. DH has told me a few times that he feels like he's a separate unit to me now and I'm 'coupled' with the baby but he understands this is how it has to be. I obviously love being with DS but I'm longing for the day when me and DH can do something just the two of us. Putting DS aside, we don't seem to have much to talk about aanymore.

teenage - I will look into that book, thanks.

I could have written your post three years ago. It gets better, you get more sleep and the relentless grind of feed / sleep / change nappies becomes a hazy memory.

As they get bigger and more independent you can do more with them, I found the baby group stage really really dull, now we hang out on my days off and they are little people with little personalities.

I felt I became 'me' again when I went back to work when mine were nearly 13months, I had lost my identity to being the 'twins' mum'. I remember getting angry with my mum and sister one day when they came to visit as they had basically stopped saying hello to me when they came in and made a bee line straight for the babies.

DH and I had some almighty rows in that first year but it has definitely improved since then. It's tough being a twin mum in the beginning but now when I look at my friends struggling with a toddler and a newborn I'm so pleased I don't have to deal with that!

I agree it gets easier. Once DC are older and more independent then DH can be more actively involved in their care (at weekends/in evenings etc) and you will have more in common once more.

4 and 6 months were big turning points. Then 10 months is another one as they get more interactive at that point.

Are you going back to work in due course? If so then again at that point it will start to feel more like your old lives. Though obviously not quite the same

Tiredness is a big factor in arguments. When you get more sleep you will both argue less.

Diamonds-it gets better, hang in there! Ds is 7 months. Before his arrival DH and I rarely fought, but we have had some almighty rows since! I also felt weighed down that I was making all the decisions, especially as I felt very unsure of myself (and still do). Its improved in the last month or so-I went away for a night to a friends wedding, and I think minding ds by himself has really built dhs confidence. Best of luck.

Very familiar and I only had one baby.

Ds1 was a very unsettled baby and often only I could calm him down (often noone could) I have a very distinct memory of dh passing ds to me and me wailing "well who do I get to hand him to?" I felt a lot of pressure about it!

It does get better though I promise. As pps have said, tiredness is a huge factor, that and the sheer shock. And as they get bigger it does become a bit less relentless! For me, 6 months was a massive turning point - ds calmed down a lot (he was a difficult baby though - I'd with my other two the turning point was more like 3-4 months) and he had fewer but longer naps and we both really enjoyed weaning and I had established a new daytime social life. It was good!

I know it's really hard - everything has changed for you and yet a large part of your dh's life has remained the same. But maybe try and see it as a positive that all this stuff is up to you? We spend so much of our lives having our routine and schedule being dictated by others - with school and work etc - this is a great opportunity to do things your way, at your own pace, with noone to answer to except yourself.

You sound like you are doing brilliantly by the way - my close friend had twins and I think at 8 weeks she hadn't done a single day on her own - she had either her dm or her mil there constantly!

Something else that worked well for us was I completely handed bathtime over to dh. It was nice for him to have some time just him and the baby when he got in from work and nice for me to have a break at the end of a long day too And I deliberately kept right out of it and let him find his own way of doing things - it was one thing I didn't have to make the decisions about and good for dh's confidence too. Would that work for you?

Yes I delegated bathtime too. At first, he wanted to come in and do tea as he assumed thats what would help.most but quite honestly what helped was getting some alone time.

Even if it was prepping dinner, it was alone. No thought to the baby needed. And he had to learn how to manage the baby (afterall thats what I had to do - they dont come with a manual).

Could you do that?

That sounds exactly how I felt. Its getting used to a new normal when you have a baby and it takes some getting used to. Most of the things to do with the DCs falls to whoever is at home every day/most.

I've had some massive rows with DH when mine were first born as I was up half the night while he was asleep. Rationally he needed a semi decent sleep as he has a physical job with lots of driving but I really resented it some times.

I have to handle the every day things with the DCs as its me who's home with them. DH does pitch in when he gets home and on the weekend.

Does your DH do his share when he's home or leave everything to you?

Its rough having such a small baby never mind twins. Can you talk to your DH about how you're feeling?

Thank you everyone. It is really reassuring to know this isn't just happening to me! To answer some of your questions:

minipie Yes, I'm going back to work when they are 8 months old. I have a feeling this is really when things will get better as we will be back on a more equal footing then. It makes me feel guilty to think that as I don't want to wish time away with my lovely babies.

I totally agree with others who have talked about the pressure of making all of the decisions. I feel totally capable of doing it but it is a lot of responsibility of my shoulders and I wish DH would take some of it.

ShoeWhore I do try and let him get on with it but I find it hard that as we have twins one of them will inevitably end up crying or needing something at the same time as the other and it feels mean to not help when there are two of us in the house as the impact is on them iyswim?

crazykat he will do loads with the babies but because he only has an hour with them each evening he wants to do all the fun stuff so I am left with the tidying, cooking etc which after a hard day of juggling two babies is the last thing I want. It seems so unfair of me to stop him from having that time with them as they love it and so does he. I feel like I am becoming a nag and I hate it!

Wow, congratulations on your twins. It sounds like you're doing amazingly.

I agree with the other posters that it is completely normal to feel this way and I think although inevitably your relationship will be different, it will return to being good. But that is one of the things you haven't contemplated pre birth, so it is a big shock.

Tiredness, hormones, recovering from birth, the shock and relentlessness of having a baby (or two!)....they are not conducive to a calm, rational relationship. It is hard to avid petty competitive tiredness rows in the early days.

I think lack of physical contact with your dh is hard too. If you're up half the night, or sleeping in separate rooms for a bit etc then you hardly ever get to cuddle and during waking hours one of you is probably usually holding a baby and can't cuddle. I also found after having both my children that I didn't want to be touched at all for a few months. I don't mean sexually, just in general. I think when you're holding a baby all day, possibly breastfeeding etc, then when you do eventually put the baby down you really, really need some personal space. I know my dh found that really hard and took it quite personally.

I think around 4 months was a turning point for us both times. The baby usually settles better then, you've both adjusted to this new life you have a bit more and start to be a bit kinder to each other again.

If you had a good relationship before then I am sure it will return.

Please also cut yourself a bit of slack with the tidying and cooking etc. the odd call for a takeaway or bit hoovering for a couple of weeks won't harm anyone.

Good luck with everything.

"He did some unforgivable things". I can totally identify with that. I remember DD screaming her head off at about 3 weeks old early morning/late night and DH just huffed and left the room to sleep on the sofa. Leaving me with a seemingly inconsolable baby and feeling very alone and overwhelmed.
To this day I don't think he realises how dark that moment was and how abandoned I felt that he could just walk away but I couldn't.
We are on DD2 now though and the other night I just handed her over, put earplugs in and went to bed.

Diamonds, congratulations on your twins.

Having twins is extremely difficult and very intense but it does get easier. Our relationship suffered a lot in the first year and it has taken 18 months for me to feel partly close to dh again. Having two babies often means you never get a break. You can't hand the baby over to your partner when he gets home because there are two of them! Double the bottles to wash and make, double the laundry, some days I thought I wouldn't make it to the next day!

What you are feeling is completely normal. I used to envy friends with single babies who were off to baby massage etc as going out with two is so hard. So the loneliness doesn't help either.

I noticed a big change when the babies were 12 months and now at 20 months it is considerably easier.

I don't think women who are pregnant with twins can comprehend how intense life will become.

Feel free to message me if you want to chat x