(not) coping with two children

[jimmychoos]

I've just had a terrible morning with dd and ds of 18mths and (just) 4.

18 month old dd is becoming very assertive and tantrummy! DS on the other hand veers between being v assertive and shouty and quite tearful - typical 4 year old behaviour. Sometimes being with them both is incredibly hard. I feel like an umpire. At worst they fight over me, they hit each other.

DD tries (and sometimes succeeds in) biting her brother. She is beginning to be quite aggressive and I haven't found an effective way of managing her behaviour. DS gets time out for any physical aggression but I just don't know how to deal with it with dd. It feels like every time she does something I 'reward' her with lots of attention - ds is then left having to 'top' whatever dd has done to get my attention back....

A lot of the time they are lovely to each other and it's great to be with them. But when it's bad it's horrid - so I'm looking for some coping strategies.....

Mine are practically the same age as yours and I spend a lot of the time feeling like an umpire too. No real coping strategies, I'm afraid, but I know how desperate it can make you feel.

Ds2 has recently started hitting and I'm starting to deal with it more as I would with ds1, ie be very firm that we don't hit and making him apologise to ds1. He now apologises of his own accord. On a couple of occasions I've done a 'mini' time-out with him and he's got the message instantly.

I'm also very careful to divide my time, attention, praise etc equally between them. So that if I'm praising one for something, I will immediately find a reason for praising the other. They went through a stage recently of being very competitive but this has now calmed down, to the extent that ds1 is now proud of his little brother when he manages to do things and we applaud him.

I think what helped is that we've recently been on holiday and so they had both me and dh with them full time. Perhaps that broke the cycle of them having to fight over me. Anyway, I really hope it gets better for you too.

Thanks sari - that does make me feel better! I think I do need to be a bit firmer with dd now. I think part of the problem is giving her enough attention - when I look at it I can see her brother does tend to get more of my attention when they are both together, unless she starts being clingy or aggressive. It's one thing seeing it - harder to change it! It's exhausting.

Send ds to school and dd to Grandmas and book yourself into a spa for a couple of days with some trashy mags.....you will feel great! I promise.

Hi Jimmychoos, sorry you hada horrible day and I hope today is better. I posted links to some threads with coping strategies on this threas recently, there might be something there. Sympathies and the spa idea sounds great to me!

my 2 are the same age. i sometimes feel its not me coping with them but them coping with me. doesnt help that dd2 (18months) is heavier and almost as tall as dd1 (4yrs old), so their fights do get messy.

Hello

really sympathise!

posted about siblings recently!

ds1 is 2.5 and ds 2 is 7 months and sometimes I think I spend the whole day listening to either one of them crying

when dh steps in (he has JUST STARTED 3 day week with them), he is total hero to ds 1 who he struggles to say no to. I look like horrid ogre, always telling ds1 off, although I love her and don't want her to be ghastly brat!!

My feeling is that all mothers go through this and in the end, tough as it is to cope with,it's these times in childhood that count! Not the treats and the fun, but all the tough stuff that you are there for and trying to deal with! Though God knows sometimes I feel totally unequal to task. The fact that u try is what counts. You can't create total harmony, cos they are perople in their own right. It's the trying that counts.

My sis and I were pretty on and off as kids but now closest of friends.

Jxxxxx

Thanks everyone who replied. I've been coping with very poorly 18 mnth old so have only just come back to this. I think part of the problem for me is suddenly feeling very 'de-skilled' as a parent - I suppose when you have your second you think you'll know what you are doing! But of course your second child is likely to be nothing like your first in temperament and what worked for the first doesn't necessarily do it for the second.