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Original poster

Do men in general not cope well with newborn baby fuelled sleep deprecation or is it just mine?

24 replies

Charingcrossbun · 31/05/2014 11:37

My DP is brilliant.
He is a really excited new dad who is head of heels for his Son and doing everything he can. DS is 9 weeks and ebf. He's suffered from reflux and rarely goes more that 2.5hrs without a feed but after a rocky week or so is now rarely completely inconsolable! To let me get a longer sleep DP gives him a bottle of expressed milk every other night at around 0000 (or whenever I've had time enough during the day to express). Thing is this seems to exhaust DP, I get up 3/4 times a night and whilst I'd love more sleep I'm ok but DP is a zombie. He's not complaining but he's constantly yawning and falling asleep.
Makes me feel guilty for asking him to do anything and then conversely have to really bite my tongue from not explain how much more sleep he gets than me! Is this a normal man thing do your experience? Have I got super mum hormones that keep me going? Should I send him to the GP? Feed
him caffeine and tell him to man up?

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Original poster

Charingcrossbun · 31/05/2014 11:38

Arg! Deprivation not deprecation

OP posts:

beccajoh · 31/05/2014 13:54

It's very normal. Unfortunately you're one of the lucky (ha!) ones in that a) he'll do night feeds and, b) isn't complaining about being tired or saying that you're totally unreasonable for asking him to do one night feed. Sad state of affairs really

Being generous, you've got all the baby hormones on your side and you're probably more used to sleep deprivation because pregnancy sleep can be quite disrupted.

FruitBasedDrinkForALady · 31/05/2014 14:03

My children are 2 & 4 and DH still can't cope with the broken sleep...

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BertieBotts · 31/05/2014 14:06

I think broken sleep just affects some people more than others. Hormonally I don't think it makes a difference, except that breastfeeding releases a hormone which enables you to get back to sleep more easily after it. I suppose it depends how you're feeding as well, I used to feed in bed so I could doze whereas with bottlefeeding you need to be more alert and hold the bottle up etc. With breastfeeding once they're latched on they do it themselves.

Also I think sometimes less sleep is easier to cope with than just-not-enough sleep if that makes any sense?? Some people find when their baby starts sleeping longer they feel MORE tired.

findingherfeet · 31/05/2014 14:18

You are not alone, at least your not falling into the trap of competitive tiredness, a common argument post baby! (Obviously you win hands down but the old line 'yeah but you're home all day' normally arises)

Don't feel guilty.

PleaseJustShootMeNow · 01/06/2014 00:33

Some people find when their baby starts sleeping longer they feel MORE tired.

This is me. I never realised this was a common occurance, I just thought I was being a bit ... I don't know ... weak?

My DH doesn't do night wakenings unless I'm at breaking point because he can't cope with the broken nights at all. Thankfully he doesn't need anywhere near as much sleep as me so gets up with DS at the crack of dawn and takes care of him until whatever time I get up. It works for us.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 01/06/2014 00:41

"I think broken sleep just affects some people more than others."

This.

BackforGood · 01/06/2014 00:50

Agree with Bertie and Billn.
Some individuals cope better than others.
My dh coped better than I did with the baby years / broken sleep.

KatyN · 01/06/2014 06:42

I have a friend where the dad is doing all the nights as he doesn't sleep too well anyway... Jealous!

Rather than have every other broken night, my dh used to do all of Friday night. I'd get 12 hr unbroken sleep and that would make up for the other 6 nights. Then he had the weekend to get over it.

LoveBeingInTheSun · 01/06/2014 06:47

Broken sleep does affect some more than others , does he have trouble getting back to sleep?

Bf is want to help, I certainly never had a problem going back to sleep after a bf

beccajoh · 01/06/2014 06:54

I had the opposite experience of sleep when bf wide awake most of the night!

weatherall · 01/06/2014 08:38

So he just does the midnight feed?

I'm confused how that is 'a broken nights sleep'?

DP is a lighter sleeper than me so he used to wake more

But a lot of men are just selfish and see the night wakenings as 'women's work'.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 01/06/2014 10:59

The thing is, OP, he's not actually complaining, just yawning. I'm sure you are yawning too. I would just ignore the yawning and ride out the reflux as best you can.

Lanabelle · 01/06/2014 11:08

Think you may have a point OP, Mine lived away during the week with DS1 but didn't cope well with DD1 when he was living at home. He still did it but like yours was yawning and a bit cranky and had that glazed over look too. On the plus side with the subsequent two that followed he got better with each one (or maybe just getting older) He always did need more sleep than me, I'm happy with 4-6 hours a night but hes a right old huff if he doesn't get 7 or 8. He copes better with hunger than I do though, if I don't eat I turn into some big green angry monster.

BertieBotts · 01/06/2014 11:16

That's true, that you're probably yawning too! :) And possibly if you have some unconscious ideas about babies being women's domain, you might be feeling guilty because he's showing any signs of being put out by the baby? If it's unconscious then it's harder to drop but try and remember he's a new parent too and it's a sleepless time for both of you, that's just how it is and it's fine. I bet when you were younger and partying shagging until the small hours you didn't worry about who was more tired.

Caffeine and clinging to each other through sheer desperation is great

BertieBotts · 01/06/2014 11:16

And - can you take it in turns to have a lie in at the weekends maybe?

ShineSmile · 01/06/2014 11:35

Gosh mine is terrible when sleep deperived. He seriously can't cope with sleep deprivation. It was very tough in the early days of parenthood.

Mrsantithetic · 01/06/2014 11:44

Mine told me the other day he was exhausted because I had disturbed him climbing over him to see to dd.

I'm 7 months pregnant with a 20mo bf daughter who still doesn't sleep through.

He has never done a night feed or resettle.

I did just say "oh that's a shame"
I felt like punching him

BertieBotts · 01/06/2014 12:17

I think people just have different strengths. For example my DH is bad at dealing with emotional crises but he's much better than me at getting DS to try something he's feeling anxious/nervous about.

threepiecesuite · 01/06/2014 12:25

We were the opposite.
DP is a light sleeper and didn't mind waking for night feeds (so consequently did most of them). I sleep deeply, I barely move from 10pm til 8am, I found night waking a killer and was shattered throughout the day.
Even now that dd is 4, if she needs quickly resettling in the night, I suffer from the break in sleep the next day.

Diamondsareagirls · 02/06/2014 11:53

OP I could have written your post! My DH will do a whole night for me once a week and I do the rest by myself with our 8 week old twins. He doesn't moan about it and has said he enjoys it as it makes him feel as though he is contributing. However, the next day he is shattered and doesn't want to do much which drives me a bit mad as I don't have the luxury of having an 'easy day' when I do the other 6 days a week! I don't ever say anything as I do appreciate the help but I just want to scream sometimes when he says how tired he is!

HumphreyCobbler · 02/06/2014 11:59

I cope much better than my DH, so I do all the night stuff. Am feeding anyway. He gets the baby at six whilst I go back to sleep. I am getting hardly ANY sleep at the moment, but my DH looks bloody exhausted and regularly complains of being tired, whilst I look FINE I get really annoyed with him, just because I look ok doesn't me I am not bloody tired.

If I am hormonal I get cross with him. He calls it being guilty of face crime, I mean, how DARE he LOOK tired

lola88 · 02/06/2014 15:26

I think you get used to having less sleep when your up and down constantly DS was a terrible sleeper until about 18 months and I coped so much better than DP, he sleeps better now he either sleeps all night or only gets up once however on the few nights that he gets up 3 or 4 times I feel shocking the next day and wonder how the hell I ever got through when 3 or 4 wakings was a good night!!

Maybe your DP needs to get up every night to get used to it more

minipie · 02/06/2014 17:52

In general I would say it's not a man/woman thing, it's just different people are better or worse with broken sleep

BUT there is a hormone released by breastfeeding that makes you sleepy (as well as making the baby sleepy) so maybe BF mums do find it easier to get back to sleep after a night waking?

I also found it easier to get back to sleep quickly if I was doing lots of night wakings (I guess due to more practice/being more tired!) whereas maybe if he's only doing one night waking (and it's at midnight so he's not so tireD) he's not so good at getting back to sleep quickly. Maybe he should do the 3am feed instead he might get back to sleep more quickly as he'd be more knackered...

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