Really struggling with two (and illness)

[ilovetosleep]

I've had a shocker of a morning (week actually) and am beginning to feel very down

DS 1 is nearly 3yo and DS2 is 6 weeks. DS1 has been a bit poorly but totally fine in himself and not allowed at nursery (he goes 2 days) and we have been advised to stay away from other kids too til at least next week. So we have had 4 days so far of no outside contact. It is hell. Plus its been raining non stop.

My lovely, beautiful, well behaved little boy has become a bit of a monster and I know its all down to DS2 but I'm not handling it very well. He is so demanding of attention (understandable) but I'm finding it impossible as DS2 is unputdownable and a very unsettled baby.

DS1 does not stop whining 'play with me mummy' or 'I'm hungry' or 'I'm tired' - all when I'm occupied with feeding DS2 or whatever.

I feel so so guilty about neglecting DS1 its untrue. It reduces me to tears the thought that he feels pushed out. The constant requests for me to play with him are heart wrenching. But the fact is, I am either feeding DS2, cooking dinner for DS1, trying to get DS2 to nap, trying to get myself/everyone else dressed etc etc. Plus I hate playing with cars. He used to play so well on his own. And he's definitely testing boundaries, and being incredibly bossy and demanding, even quite rude (he knows how to use please but even when he asks properly he sill shouts it in a very impolite way. This is a new thing)

Today we went to the park and, while in hindsight I know it was bad timing and he was probably too tired and hungry, DS1 was a nightmare. He wanted his bike, he didn't want his bike. He wanted a snack but he didn't want to walk to the cafe to get one. He wanted to feed the ducks but he wanted to detour in every possible way first leaving us no time to feed the ducks. He wanted my full undivided attention but he got upset when the baby was left to cry for 5 mins in the buggy. In the end he had is first ever proper public tantrum (I know, I've been lucky) because he lost his stick. I gave him cuddles but basically ignored the tears and carried on walking back to the car. He ran after me sobbing ' don't leave without me mummy I need you'. Heartbreaking. But I did just carry on walking calmly and offered him a cuddle every 50 metres or so. Having spent all morning snapping at him (horrible mummy) it scared me how detached I felt at that point and how calm I actually was - both DCs screaming and I just carried on like nothing was happening.

I feel terrible for snapping at DS, it was his first morning of 'fun' all week, he's been asking to go to the park for days but its been too wet. He just wanted a morning with mummy doing something fun, and I couldn't even manage that. DS2 is obviously always there and I so desperately miss the little adventures we had when it was just the two of us. DS2 is adorable and I'm so grateful to have two, but he's a very difficult baby and it's making it harder on DS1. Maybe I'm overcompensating as I feel so guilty and he's just playing me. I don't know, I feel like I just want to give him everything he wants at the moment to make up for it (obviously I'm not doing that...)

Please tell me this is all normal. I just so want to be enjoying this and I'm not. DS2 is nearly 2 months and it's just flown by in a fog of chaos.

As far as I can tell, this is normal. My ds was just 17 months when dd was born - so quite a bit younger.
I had many of the problems you describe though.
Ds started tantrumming more and got upset more easily and yes, I felt guilty for having to leave him crying because I had to feed dd (who was also a 'difficult' baby in many ways).
I used to try to cuddle him whilst feeding her - hard when trying to hold a wriggly baby + bottle - and read to him. I also used to time it so their meals overlapped as he could feed himself and was happy when eating!
I had a double buggy - might not work in your situation but you could try a carrier/sling and hold your eldest's hand - this allowed me to get out and about easily.
I relied on the slow cooker, sandwiches and ready meals for mine and ds' meals in the early days - not ideal but better than nothing.
As much as possible I kept ds' routine the same because he found comfort in knowing what was coming next.
I used to let dd cry sometimes because I wanted to show ds he still mattered and was still important.

It may not feel like it now but the early, fraught, frazzled few months don't actually last that long and soon, as your baby becomes more interactive, independent and mobile, it gets easier and they play with and entertain each other. Mine are 1.8 and 3.1 now and are currently causing havoc playing happily together in ds' bedroom whilst I sort tea.

Gosh that turned into quite an essay, sorry! I''ve been trying to answer for a while but keep getting distracted and losing my train of thought - sorry if it sounds all rambling!

I have a similar age gap but DD2 is now 6 months. I have no helpful tips as it all sounds very familiar. I was lucky that my parents live reasonably near so when DD1 was going through a particularly demanding phase I asked them to come over one afternoon a week so I could do an activity with DD1 and they could occupy DD2. DD1 also didn't like it when I left DD2 to cry so I asked my parents to take her out for a walk for an hour while I did some baking with DD1. I don't know how much difference it made to DD1's behaviour but it eased my guilt a little!

If it is any consolidation the guilt definitely lessens and things have improved massively. I would now say that I enjoy 75% of our days - which I don't think is bad at all!!!

Hang on in there, it is hard for everyone to begin with but it will all be a distant memory soon!

Thanks for the reassurance. It is mainly the guilt that gets me so upset. Its so hard because DS1 wants me all the time, and yet he wants me to look after DS2 well also. He really doesn't like to hear him crying but doesn't like me holding him all the time! I think he thinks that if I leave him to cry then I am also capable of leaving him when he is upset too.Or is that too complex a thought for a 3 year old?

HI, I've only got one so no real advice but in your situation, and especially given what you've said, I would try to get DS1 involved in looking after DS2. Like why not have a special funny song that you two sing conspiratorially to cheer DS2 up? Etc.

it all sounds REALLY normal OP - i've been there too and it does get better really quick

I'm in the same boat (DD 2.8, DS 7 weeks) and know what you're going through! I use a moby sling a lot to carry DS around in, so my hands are free to play games with DD. Have you tried one, or something similar? Any friends/family you can rope in to help?

Just wanted to say you're not alone. I actually felt better after reading your message today. My eldest son is 3.5 and youngest is 6 weeks. The new addition to our family is gorgeous but is not a happy bunny. He doesn't sleep at all in the day (managed 30 mins in total and that was from driving round in the car for an hour!) and if he's not feeding or asleep he basically screams in pain from trapped wind and colic and can't be put down. He's also strapped up in a pavlik harness for hip dysplasia which makes him miserable. I'm in tears a lot of the time and I feel like it's a horrible existence for my eldest and it makes me really sad It's really stressful but I think we just have to stay strong and ride it through and know that it won't be like this for that long. Hang in there and go easy on yourself! The rewarding times when they start to interact and play with each other aren't far away.

My little boy is 12 weeks and my (PFB) DD is 2 1/2... The enormous guilt I felt is lifting, life is easier with the baby, we're settling and me and my little girl can still do fun things together (while baby sleeps or he sits with us - he's happy now to be put down and watch)

It's a huge adjustment, be kind on yourself. It does get easier!!

I am sorry to hear things are hard for some of you too,'an sorry your little boy has to wear a harness, catabelle that must be really miserable fr him.

DS2 really isn't the super chilled out second baby I'd convinced myself we'd have. He's just as colicky and refluxy and sleep-resistant as his big brother was. But I do know from experience that it is not forever, and while Ds2 took a whole year to sleep well and become easier, it is just that, a year. It seems so long ago now and I know it will be the same with DS2 , although I do hope it will be less than a year this time!

willsingforcake I do use a moby wrap but I'm yet to master the art of carrying him while awake. When he's asleep it's ok he rests his head on me an I can tuck it in. But when he's awake he won't let me stretch the favric over his head as he wants to look around, but his head isn't really strong enough to hold itself up for very long. And I feel like I'm never really hands free like that, and I'm having to hold his head upright. And I can't really bend down very easily. Any tips?

Plus, ds2 will not sit in any of the lovely expensive baby stuff we have bought! It's big fat no to the fancy baby bjorn bouncy chair, the swing, the play mat - he will not just sit and watch the world, he has to be held upright! Argh!