How do you cope with working mum guilt?

[lynsey321]

My DS is now 2 1/2. I had to return to work full time when he was 7 months old as I was only in receipt of statutory maternity pay and we needed to money to pay the mortgage, bills, etc.

We are really lucky and our family helps out a lot. He does 2 full days with the in-laws, 2 half days with my mum and 1 full day and 2 half days with his child-minder (who he loves).

I've struggled with PND, which I think had a lot to do with feeling guilty about returning to work.

I just feel so guilty about working and being away from DS. I'm a newly qualified solicitor so my job is pretty stressful and demanding. I'm normally out of the house for at least 11/12 hours a day, 5 days a week (including commuting). I can't cut my hours as we need the money to live, DH earns less than me and we need both wages.

I spend all weekend with DS and I keep trying to tell myself that I have to work, to keep a roof over his head, but it doesn't alleviate the guilt. I keep thinking about my childhood and how lucky I was to have my mum at home.

I was just really wondering how other people cope with this.

x

I'm the same as you, work 5 days a week in a busy solicitor's office - its hard going and on the really tough days when I would much rather be at home with DD I always tell myself I am doing this to teach her a good work ethic! she is with a CM fulltime and goes to school 5 days a week for the afternoon session so has a good mix.

it is tough, and I have no coping mechanisms as such - I just try to make the most of the time I do spend with her in evenings and weekends and when able to do will book a day or two off so I get to spend more time with her that way.

its hard, but a necessary evil, and I would much rather be in the position I am now then be relying on benefits and the such.

I work 4 days a week (also a solicitor!)

I don't feel guilty because honestly I think DD has a ball with her nanny. In many ways I think DD is better off than if I was home all the time - compared with the nanny I have much less patience and am less good at thinking of activities to do! Also I think the money I earn will benefit DD long term.

It helps that my mother worked (long hours) when I was little and I was perfectly happy about that as we had a lovely nanny. In fact I think I benefited from having a variety of people looking after me. So I know that it isn't necessarily worse for a child to not have their mum at home.

It sounds like you have a wonderful child care set up. Think about the benefits to your DS from seeing so much of his grandparents, mixing with other children at the CM, and generally growing up to be independent and happy in a variety of places and with lots of carers who can give him different experiences (as well as love).

I don't think there's an easy answer to this and it will always be a bit of a fudge. On days when I am feeling down about it, I tend to repeat what a very wise friend said to me, which is that 'You can't look after them and provide for them at the same time'. Which is true. There will always be a compromise, because you cannot literally split yourself into two. As soon as you have kids, it means that you're either doing one thing or the other, but you can't do both at the same time, and you can either drive yourself mad trying to, or just see that you're doing the best you can for you and your family and know that it's always going to be imperfect.

i dont really.

its made worse on weeks like this when there is hardly another child in the nursery which shows that

1. im the only one with two full timers there (meaning i probably pay the most of any parent)

1. or the working parents are on holiday too

1. dc have fewer children to play with.

it never gets easier

Im going back to work when baby is ten months full time and already feeling guilty. It's made worse when people on benefit get to work part time (these are friends of mine who boast about being SAHM) or when I go to sensory classes and see so many mums with their kids doing activities :(

I think it gets better when they go to school and you see lots of other mums heading to work / collecting from after schools.

Mrs dexter, people on benefits can work 16 hours.

I dont know why?

Hi I'm not being anti benefits or anything but sad that I can't afford to go part time :(

I didn't feel guilty as I know he was having a ball with his childminder. I was also doing a really satisfying job, and contributing something to society - what's to feel guilty about ?

I had been at home with my children for nearly 4 years, I went back last year and went pretty full on,they appreciate me much more now I'm at work ! You're providing an income and being a good role model.

Please don't feel guilty, they would not want you to be unhappy about your choices. Be confident you are doing the right thing for them and you.

Mrsdexter I work part time and I still have the guilt about leaving my baby. It's not so bad but I still have to leave her 6 hours, 4 days a week
And when you say people on benefits get to work 16 hours-they're still working and having to leave their kids too! If I could right now I'd love to earn more but I could only do 16 hours (because we can't afford childcare) and the benefits we get are what keeps a roof over our heads.

What I get more upset at us people who have loads of kids and don't work at all and get loads of benefits so they can afford to not work

Lynsey,

I worked and my parents looked after my DDs, and I would say that one of the main benefits that my daughters got out of it was a different relationship with their grandparents. That is a really special thing for them to have in their lives.

My parents still pick up from school for me one day a week, and the difference is that their grandparents are a part of their lives rather than visitors into their lives. So for example, when my DD talks to my mum about X being mean to her, my mum knows exactly who X is, what she's like and is able to help and advise because she's involved.

My mum didn't work, but my aunt did and my nan did the childcare for my cousins. Whilst I was close to my nan, I never had that special relationship my cousins did. For example, when my nan died recently, a couple of my cousin's friends went to my Nan's funeral because they'd known her growing up etc, and she was involved in their lives. Now, I was close to my nan, but she never really knew who my friends were, or she'd vaguely remember them, but it wasn't the same. I never had that same relationship as my cousins.

I now see that same close bond coming through in my parents and children. In fact a few weeks. (Maybe months) one of my daughter's friends (6) was out shopping when she saw my parents, and she went over and said hello and had chat to my parents, because she knew them.

I know you're feeling guilty, but one of the things that I really felt from having my parents look after my daughters, was that this relationship they have developed would never have grown in the same way, had they not been primary carers a couple of days a week. The relationship my girls have with my parents compared to their great grandparents (who they saw twice a week, and were very close to) was still phenomenally different and again to their other grandparents who they are not close to.

It really is a pleasure, treasure it!

I couldn't do it, I ditched the career and took work on a nearby farm, pays crap but hours suit me and no childcare needed as kids can come with if I need. I never had the guilt it was physically painful to be away from them for so long so I quit

Jumblebee - agree with yout last comment.

I hope to go part time at some point in the future if I can!

I refuse to feel guilt. Men don't. Your child is well looked after and you spend as much time as you can with him. There are SAHMs who neglect their children. Your physical presence is so much less important that you making him feel loved, secure and valued when you are home. You're providing a wonderful example of how women can provide for their family. Please don't feel guilty - as long as you're doing the best you can, no-one could expect more.

I work FT and don't have it tbh. as others have said, no one questions my children's father about it. We both work for modern companies where we can work from home at least a couple of days a month. We do shifts so the DC can be picked up at 5 and still have a play outside. My DP worked from home this week (half term). My DC go to a good school, have lots of activities and hobbies and have lovely holidays. We live in a nice house with plenty of space for them all. I am self employed so can easily take a morning or an afternoon off to attend sports day, concerts etc. None have ever been missed.

I have nothing to feel guilty about.

I'm starting to think guilt is part and parcel of motherhood (and not fatherhood). It sounds like you have a really good childcare set up. I've recently become a SAHM-DS is 51/2months- and I can't afford the childcare to work-we have no family locally who can help. If it's any sort of consolation I feel guilty that DS will miss out on early nursery years and time with other people. I worry that when he goes to nursery at 3 he'll struggle. I worry that I won't set him a good example. It's all bloody guilt and worry!!!!! OH has no such worries-just assumes that we are good people so DS will be fine! He's probably right.

I rarely feel it, as I enjoy my job and DD loves her nursery (plus spends a day a week with DPs, which is good for all the reasons PPs have said). I also refuse to feel guilty if DH doesn't. We have similar education and jobs.

If occasionally feeling down I remind myself I am close to my DF, despite the fact he was always at work and made no secret of the fact he found family life tedious!

I refuse to feel guilty - DP doesn't and DD loves going to the CM and has a really nice time with other children. It helps that I work 4 days and am a teacher so do get the school holidays where she is at home with me. I also try to do 2 short days a week so I am home by 5 and she has her dinner at home. On these days I work in the evenings after she's gone to bed.

DP takes one Friday off a month with her (he bought extra holiday) so they get to spend a bit of time together so I think she does okay.

If you find the guilt overwhelming is there anyway you can drop a day, or buy some extra holiday? I can't really afford to work 4 days, but we just find a way of managing so she's not in FT childcare.

Like many others here, I don't feel guilty. They have a ball with their childminder/school/aunt, and we do great stuff when we're all together, frequently it's free/cheap stuff like the park or the beach, occasionally it's big ticket stuff that we are able to do because of what we earn.
I genuinely believe we have a great mix, they don't need me personally grinning at them 24/7.

I could have written your post. Went back full time (around 60-70 hours per week) as a doctor when dd was 10 months. She is now 6 and ds in 4.
Like you I am the main earner and the guilt kills me.
Today my ds said mummy can we live in a smaller house and you not go to work?
Yesterday I had annual leave and we baked cakes and ate tea at 5pm instead of 9pm, kids went to bed at a decent time as normally they won't sleep until I am home. It made me realise how life could be in a less pressured job.
I haven't read your replies yet so hopefully some good advice but just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
I feel like I am as even friends who work full time only work 37 hours and are home by 5/6pm. Bares no relation to my life.

Feel I must add after my previous post, we don't live in a very big house as child care takes up a massive portion of my wage.
I'm a registrar so still training so not much scope for a job with better hours.

It is ok to feel guilty. My situation is similar to yours and I feel guilty all the time. I see this as a healthy emotion. The problem is that there is not much we can do to change our situations. Don't try to get rid of the guilt. It is there for a good reason. For example, it ensures that when you are home, you spend real quality time with your little ones.

Parenting is tough and is these experiences are PROBABLY more heartbreaking for us that it is for them.

Stay well.

I don't feel guilty (32hrs in 4 days) I love my job & would be a worse mum if I didn't have it.

You are luckier than I as your child will have a wonderful relationship with an extended family, something we're not fortunate to have at this time. I think kids develop better within an extended family. They will have better social skills (grandma lets me do xyz, but mummy doesn't etc) and understand they are truly loved by lots of people. What better start in life is that? Also, thinking logically, isn't that how we 'humans' are meant to be?

However, most of us have choices in our lives and if this 'guilt' is more of a feeling that you 'wish' life could be different/improved and there is a genuine opportunity to make it happen & either improve or not reduce your quality of life as a family (& by that I don't mean materially) it may be worth considering.

Having said all I have about loving my job, I'm trying time dc2 so I'll be on mat leave when ds goes to school, so I can help make that important step in his life as positive as possible. So maybe in 12 months time if things don't go to plan I'll be having guilt all of my own!

Its nice to read all the comments and put a positive spin on working. I'd never really considered how DS's relationship with his grandparents would help him progress. We're really lucky that they help actually, we could not afford full-time childcare, so I don't know what we'd do without them.

I just wish I could cut my hours, maybe do 4 days a week, but we just can't afford it.

We did consider downsizing from our semi to a terraced house so I could cut my hours, but that would mean DS didn't have a garden to play in and I'd still be at work 4 days. We only have a small garden at the moment, but at least its better than nothing and I can take some comfort knowing that DS is benefiting from me being at work.

I just find it really hard in the morning when he's asking to come to work with me, or saying that he wants to stay at home with mummy today. I could just cry. I can't help thinking that I'm going to end up looking back at my life and wishing that I'd been at home more.