why cant i enjoy being a parent?

[mouses]

firstly, I suffer with mental health and have put it don't to having no emotions? but sometimes I do think I just don't like being a mum and use depression as an excuse?
it will sound bad but i should never of had kids, they aren't neglected or anything, they are clean, healthy feed and spoilt with toys. but something is missing, i do love them cos i get all upset when one gets hurt or thought of some one taking them away which confuses me??

I know I will be kicked down for this thread but was hoping someone might be able to relate to how im feeling?
don't get me wrong - I would never want them in care or anything, I just wish I could enjoy them more, not be so... don't know? think its un-enthusiastic that's the problem. I don't enjoy doing anything related to kids stuff, park, games etc. I don't hug or kiss, my 3.10yr old comes for hugs which I give but never vice-versa. I hate it that im like this - its just how my mum was and I SO wanted it to be different when I became a parent.
i hate having to pick up after them, they are 12, 9 and nearly 4. i know its my job as a mum but it just annoys me more than it should, i cook healthy meals that go in the bin, toys that are not respected an get broke. i feel im wasting my time, money and just that everyday is spent cleaning up their mess! which i understand is what i agreed to when having kids - just didn't expect me to be this unhappy?

I loose my patience and my tolerance is zero, poor kids get a stroppy teenager attitude when im having a bad day and I feel guilty they have got me for their mum. i yell a lot, speak with lack of interest and so flipping grumpy its unreal! i feel so sorry for them. with a grumpy depressed mum im not surprised by their behaviour as they only learn from how their bought up right?

im getting help for my mental health - well I say that but my psychologist needs to see a psychologist more than me!!! infact ive got an appointment today for my 3rd session with my psychiatrist.

I don't even know why I wrote the post? just having a down day i s'pose?

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, have you had a break from the kids recently even just a night for yourself just to relax in the bath etc? I do understand completely where you are coming from, depression is a cruel illness. How long has this been going on, have you ever had tablets for it? X

Do you work and how much does the DCs father do?

Honestly - if I had to look after my DD all day every day I'd be pretty bored, grumpy and unenthusiastic. I work 4 days a week and it's perfect for me, means I am much more enthusiastic when I do see her.

And it makes a big difference having DH around to give me a break sometimes, as nessie says do you ever get this?

From the mental health point of view, I understand where you are completely - I had PND and I described it as feeling 'blank', like I literally had no emotions and my face felt like it had no features on it. It sounds like you are taking steps to combat this with seeing a specialist, but it might also be worth trying to get on some sort of course/group-based workshop so you can meet others who are in the same boat as you - the parenting course I went on was brilliant because it made me realise I wasn't alone, I wasn't a bad person and actually I was doing an alright job even on my darkest days.

On a practical level, your kids are old enough to be taking some responsibility around the house, especially the older two. Give them some non-negotiable chores that are age-appropriate - I don't know, little one 'helps' put shopping away, middle one helps chop veg, older one washes up, or whatever (not sure if that's age appropriate, others will be better at that than me!). If they don't eat their healthy dinner then they don't get anything else. If the older one doesn't give you their dirty washing, then it doesn't get done. If a toy is broken then it doesn't get replaced - give them pocket money so they understand the value of things and that might make them respect things more in the first place. Make them take an active part in the running of their lives then hopefully that will make you feel a bit more positive and appreciated as well, rather than just a skivvy.

thanks for all your replies,

the boys go with their dad every fortnight, though its not over night. picked up about 11am and drops back around 6pm both sat & sun. DD 3.10 is with me permanently, I don't get much support from her dad, on the odd occasion when she stays with him for an hour or so (if I have an appointment with health professionals) I constantly worry if shes missing me, if he's fed her, if shes warm enough... so I don't relax really?

ive had depression issues since childhood but got worse after my first ds, I took fluoxetine for near on 3yrs before I gave up with them when gp wouldn't change them. from my meeting today im being prescribed an anti-psychotic pill begins with 'c' couldn't remember name? feel even worse about that.

with chores and rules, I do try and put them in place but on days I can barely concentrate the effort fades to pull them up on It. some days I got no enthusiasm to keep up with anything.
honestly I don't get support from anywhere which I know can contribute to feeling like this, but when I think about it surely I should still be able to show affection to the kids no? I just don't know?

You sound just like my dad was and still is. Emotionless and seemed to struggle being a dad, never spent any time with us and seemed to resent spending money on us. Quite often we would holiday with my mum and he would stay at hone as he preferred his own space. I probably didn't think too much about it at the time as it was what I was used to but I look back at my childhood a lot now especially as I'm pregnant with first. On the positive side, I'm a pretty together person myself but think it's impacted my 3 brothers a lot more as they never really had a father figure, one of them has severe mental health issues in fact which in part will be inherited from my dad. My dad is 'always right' so would never admit his failings as a dad and has never and would never go and see anyone. The fact you recognise your behaviour and are doing something about it is huge. I wish my dad had done the same. Good luck!

surely I should still be able to show affection to the kids no?

Well, no - this is what depression can do to you - it can strip you of emotions, but still leave you with enough to beat yourself up and make you feel worse. When I look back at the first 6 months or so of my son's life I feel extremely sad - I didn't feel any natural affection for him, I hugged/comforted him if he was upset but it didn't feel natural, I never really spoke to him or played with him and I can't say I ever looked at him and felt "warm and fuzzy" feelings. I existed on the minimum effort required - anything else was just beyond me.

I still have low times every now and then, but the difference is that because of the help I've had I don't feel like I've gone back to square one or that I'm a crap mum or that everything has been a waste of time - I'm able to put that one incident into context, learn from it, then move on.

Is your youngest in nursery at all? Don't you get it for free at that age so maybe you could send her there at times when there are things going on that you'd like to do? Could you speak to your health visitor about being referred for extra help? Not sure if it's national, but we have a system where you can get an outreach worker come round and assess what you need, whether it's a course/group counselling that might help, or they can just come for a couple of hours and look after your child while you do something else.

I think something within a group setting would be beneficial - the other thing that happened with me was that I completely isolated myself and it was only when I met other parents in my position that I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I now have some really good friends as a result. Knowing that you have a support network could make a massive difference.

Hey mouses. ((HUGS)) Not being able to show physical affection is the depression, my dd once told her psychologist "Mum finds it hard to give me hugs". Broke my heart. Also, motherhood is often not all it's cracked up to be. It can be very hard work even if you don't have mh problems, so don't be too hard on yourself. I'm fairly stable mh wise at the moment and I love my dd to bits but the relentless routine of having to say and do the same things over and over and over again really drags me down. I'm ashamed to say that there are times that I will really rather concentrate on my own things (studying, emailing friends etc.) than pay attention to her. I'm not proud of this but I think it's only human.

Why are you so worried about dd when her dad has her, is he very irresponsible? And why can't the boys stay overnight with their dad? I really think you would benefit from having some me-time.

I find it helps if I sometimes really think about dd, about who she is, what she is interested in, how I can help her become a happy and fulfilled adult. It focuses me on the positive difference I can make as a parent beyond the daily grind of "brush your teeth", "pick up your clothes" or "oh no, have you lost another lunchbox???". You have to be feeling fairly ok within yourself in order to do this so don't feel bad about taking medication. If it works that's really all that matters.

heatherbell my mum was the same, she showed no affection and wasn't (still isnt) some one I couldn't turn to for help and advice. although she wont fully admit her depression - like your dad, she refuses to see anyone about it.
its possible ive inherited the way I am, though my sister and her son have a good bond?

gretagrape I haven't felt that warm fuzzy feeling either and as much as I try is not natural as you say. its minimal effort toget through the days, months and years...
in a session with my counsellor she told me to go home and give my son a hug (was his birthday) I said I couldn't, told her it didn't feel right and both of us would feel uncomfortable. I cried most of his day cos I couldn't show a simple mothers affection?
yes dd is in nursery during the week and goes full day is sept. though when she does im having to look into going back to work, as a single parent. im dreading this, not cos im lazy but some days I cant face the world.
I cant get to groups at the moment due to dd only being at school for 2.5hrs I cant get to the session and back in time. I don't drive.

hey lasting im ashamed that I am the way I am, guilty amongst many more feelings. part of me wants to let them go so I don't damage them any more. I know its the depression but all the years of anti-depressants still havent helped me and im beginning to feel ill always be like this.
yes dd dad is very irresponsible, he has a son from previous partner and let him eat a big bag of haribo for lunch, brings him out without a coat and says he'll be ok his in the car! and his more or less buried in his smart phone. so Id rather her be with me.
boys cant stay over nigt with their dad cos he is renting a room with a friend and ''apparently'' isn't allowed to have them stay over. after all why would he argue and have his Saturday nights ruined? he's loving te fact they cant stay. arse!
I do have happy days where im decorating and feeling proud its turned out nice but then I turn hulk on the kids cos they've smashed the house up while ive been pre-occupied, though its my fault for not paying attention. I hate myself more than any ting can described.

could turn to - not couldn't.

Mouses which ad's have you been on? Do you see a psychiatrist or does a gp prescribe your meds? If it doesn't help, and it certainly sounds that way, then they should be trying something else. You said you've been prescribed an anti-psychotic, how is that working out?

Why are your children "smashing the house up"? Do you mean that literally, or do you mean they make a huge mess? Especially the elder two are at an age where you shouldn't have to supervise them all the time.

Are you eating healthy, getting enough sleep and getting some exercise, even if it's only walking for 15 minutes a couple of times a week? Those things are important. I know you say you hate yourself. I remember feeling that way, unloveable and unworthy of being a mum. Pretend that you are a friend to yourself... what advice would you give? Be kind to yourself like you would be to a friend. You can do this.

Sorry I see you did say you see a psychiatrist - that's good.

At what age do kids start going on playdates alone, I can't remember. Maybe if you can "child swop" dd with another mum for an hour or two on a Saturday you can do more grown-up stuff with the boys which you and they might all enjoy - go and see a movie dd is too young for, cook with them and let them measure, stir, decorate, teach them how to use a map etc. It can be hard, I know, you plan something and when it's time to do it you're not in the mood or the kids isn't in the mood... but it's worth trying to engineer situations in which you are doing something together in harmony. It makes everybody feel better and improves behaviour, even if just in the short term.

hi lasting, I was on fluoxetine for years and kept telling gp they have no effect but they refused to change my meds until I seen the psych who then said just up it. so I refused to take any at all. I haven't received my ne meds yet, was told gp (reception) will call me in for them early next wk.

sorry,my term for huge mess is 'smashed up' place gets turned upside down. the boys room looks like its been robbed! its a mess and a daily moan to get them to clean it. even them its not tidied just shoved out of sight.

yes I eat healthy, im terrible. I count calories, wear a pedometer and log food diary to keep track of fats, carbs, protein etc. I dopilates but just started fat burning cos I feel let my weight creep.

if I were to tell my self advice id say theres worse things to worry about but who takes their own advice?

my kids don't really mingle or get out much, sad I know. their not road wise or know their way about so id worry about them going off on their own. as for child swap, don't know if you remember me saying but I only have one friend who has custody of her grandson. some days my eldest stays over and vice-versa.
as much a I try or plan to spend time doing something with them, the motivation aint there. today I had just dd so we went park for hours butit not every day im up for that.

Well fwiw, I just had a shouting match with dd over the state of her room when it was time to go to sleep. She feels that she "was made to just do chores". I was expecting her to hang up her wet towel and put dirty mugs in the kitchen...

it feels like a 24hr shouting match in this house!

yea I guess the kids feel like its boot 'camp style rules' to take their clothes to the wash bin. like hard work and all I do is chuck out commands!

I guess I should try and see the funny side... she tells me that she finds it really offensive that I come into her room for no good reason and find stuff for her to do. She's not even 12 yet.

wow, I s'pose I shouldn't be complaining about mine lol. my dc's never give mouth back just choose to ignore me or get do what I asked in stroppy manner.

I remember you sayin about dd on another thread. I guess we all have different levels of tolerance? slightest thing can get me feeling on egde.

Mine are 9 and 5 and I feel like this although I don´t - otherwise - have mental health problems. We never seem to spend time together unless you count me trying to stop them killing each other really brutally. I just can´t get interested in anything they are interested in, they hate everything that I would like to do with them. Particularly my relationship with my 9 year old is getting worse and worse - just one long shouting match. I think she must be severely traumatised by it and that is causing the fights with her brother. I am so exhausted from all of this that I can´t find any energy to enjoy the time we could have together. Dd (9) then just leaves the house and goes to play with friends down the road. And, as you say, mouses, I´m left picking up all their stuff.
Getting up in the morning is a "job" which my dd refuses to do. Let alone "jobs" like brushing teeth or hair. Getting dressed is a serious drain on her precious time. I just can´t cope anymore really.
I definitely relate to how you´re feeling: spending ages cooking healthy meals with expensive food that go in the bin untouched, only for both children to raid the cupboards ten minutes later because they´re hungry.
Dd just wrecked a toy belonging to one of her friends, by not taking care of it while they were playing together... aarrgghhhh. Sorry, this probably is really no help whatsoever. At least I was pleased to find your thread and see that I wasn´t the only one...!
Hugs :)

Hi mouses, I can totally sympathise, but I suspect if you can get treatment for your depression that works, you will start to feel better. I had PND, and then was really happy for 3 years, but have just got through a relapse. I literally went from doting on my DD to feeling nothing for her whatsoever. I'm starting to get the bond back now, but when I was really struggling I just wished I'd never had her - and that wasn't anything to do with her- she hadn't changed, but I had. We are only human, and just because we have given birth it doesn't mean that we don't get ill or feel unable to cope. Please don't hate yourself, this really isn't your fault xxx

sorry I hadn't seen the last 2 replies.
quince its ok, I do the same when I read a thread i can relate to. it helps to know im not alone.

inthewoods - im getting help for my health, the psychologist says the same, that its the illness and i will feel better bout it all. i really do hope so cos i try so hard to give the kids a happy childhood but seems to fail everyday.

Mouses, I'm sure they are very happy kids. Life is hard, and being fully responsible for 3 little ones is hard enough, let alone battling depression. This won't last forever, and one day you'll have 3 wonderful adults. Don't believe the mums who pretend to be perfect, everyone has got something going on, it's just others hide it better. Xx

I can relate to you. My DC's are now 8 and 10 and I still don't enjoy being a parent. I have suffered from severe depression in the past and could be mildly depressed now, but I have always felt like this, even when on meds for depression.

I think I should not have had children because I cannot give them what they need. I had an abusive childhood and I often feel v empty inside. I don't have the emotional energy for DC's. I feel sorry for my DC's that they have me as their mother.

I know this is of no help to you but I do know how you feel. You are not alone.

thanks for all your replies, I really hope that im not a horrid unloving human and can show love when this depression leaves me alone.

I know it will sound so silly but theres days im crippled with guilt and pain that they are so unloved. they have little contact with other family members, other than their fortnightly weekend visit with their dad they don't have no one else but me and dd, they don't get affection from no one and im aware that this is wrong and hurtful but I just cant get the emotions a mother should have.

part of me says I don't deserve them and they should be taken away - which then fill me with dread at how awful it would be for them to be somewhere unfamiliar. so I know theres motherly feeling there for protection?
arrghhh! I feel such a mess in the head - i worry they will go the same way as me. as it was the same childhood i had and i swore i would break the cycle but just failed.
i have spoken to the school support worker today because im at a lost, my ds 9yrs woke up the other day looking so sad and never said a word to me the whole morning before going to school, didn't even say bye. (school is just across the road so goes by himself)

dimsum i think you hit nail on head about not having the emotional energy for kids. i get stressed at the slightest thing. have to put on a big 'joy' face when the kids come home with a well done certificate etc and i feel it shouldn't have to be 'put on' im ashamed to have the title 'mother' when some people cant have kids!
people keep tellin me im too hard on myself but its true words.