Hi, I'm just after opinions as I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing or not. Dd1 is 9 years old (she'll be 10 in August). I split up with her dad when she was 17 months old and ds was 4. She has never had the best relationship with him, he's quite lazy and doesn't do much with her when they go to his house and he has always preferred ds. Ds (now 12, almost 13) isn't a problem and goes to his dad's every weekend on alternate Friday and Saturday nights as has always been the arrangement. Dd1, however, over the past 2-3 years has started to go less and less.
I have another dd with my dh who is almost 7 and dd1 and dd2 have the closest relationship ever, they are always together, they rarely argue and love each other fiercely. This is a factor in dd1 not going to her dad's so much (she wants to be with her sister instead).
Anyway, over the past few years my ex has made it blatently obvious that he prefers ds over dd1, he does nothing if dd goes to his house but if she isn't there then he takes ds out on trips, he sometimes picks him up through the week to take him to watch a film, or go fishing, etc. Etc but dd1 isn't invited as she "wouldn't like it". I have tried to get him to do things with dd but I can't force him to.
It has got to the point where dd hasn't been to her dad's for 3 months. I fell out with ex last week and ended up telling him exactly what I think of him and how it's disgusting how he treats the dc differently and that it's no surprise dd never goes to his house and that if he loses his relationship with her then he has nobody to blame but himself.
I obviously hit a nerve as this weekend just gone I managed to convince dd to go to his house as it was her younger half brother's birthday (a child ex has had since we split) and ex told her they were having a nice party for him and that she could just go for a couple of hours and that if she didn't want to stay overnight then he would bring her home.
So, she went to the party and ended up staying overnight. I was pleased as I thought he was obviously now making an effort with her. However, when she came home the next day it transpired that the party was over with by the time she got there, she was given a piece of birthday cake then left to her own devices. She didn't want to stay, she wanted to come home but he wouldn't let her.
He now wants her to stay at his mum's tonight and spend the day with his mum, his sister and his sister's kids tomorrow. Dd initially said she'd go but has since changed her mind and doesn't want to. I told him she doesn't want to go and he rang and shouted at me down the phone saying she should be made to go. I refuse to force her to do something she doesn't want to do. She is a very shy, anxious child who can be clingy with both myself and dh (who she has a very close relationship with) and I would never force her to do something she is not comfortable with.
I have tried gently encouraging her to go (as I always have done with visits to her dad's house) but I'm not willing to force her.
Ex has spoken to dd on the phone twice, the first time she relented and said she'd stay at his mum's but then within 5 mins of getting off the phone told me she doesn't want to go but didn't know how to tell her dad this. I then told him again she doesn't want to go, he rang again and spoke to dd but she stuck to her guns and said she wasn't going. He is now going to get his mum to ring my phone to speak to dd to try to convince her. I'm obviously not going to let her speak to dd as she blatently doesn't want to go.
I'm just wondering if I'm doing the right thing by not forcing dd to go to her dad's house on a regular basis a more often than not I get a tearful phone call within a hour of her getting there asking me to pick her up as she wants to come home.
I just feel as though because I pointed out he's a dick with vow he acts towards dd that he now wants me to force dd to go where she's not comfortable to lessen his guilt! She hardly knows his family, she must see her grandma twice a year at the most yet he's wanting to to spend the night there to "get to know her family better".
So, the upshot is, should I encourage dd to stay with her grandma and also force her to go to her dad's every weekend when she doesn't want to go? Any advice would be welcome.(sorry it's so long!)