Children loud and ask too many questions

[peppajay]

I am going to be brutally honest here I have 2 kids of 6 and 7 and they are full on ( the 6 yr old has aspergers). They are very active and inquisitive they constantly ask questions and love spending time with their dad and love it when he is home. They don't watch tv or DVDs they usually play babies or schools so this involves constant talking and when they are both talking they can be very loud. Unfortunately they often fight and argue and quite often scream at each other. My son is a complete perfectionist due to his aspergers and also can't cope when things go wrong so his answer is to scream with a high pitched scream really loud and obviously I am trying to curb this and stop him doing this by teaching him other strategies. Notice the 'I' in this message as my DH isn't really involved in the parenting as he thinks their behaviour is atrocious and he thinks it is my fault as I let them fight and I don't mind them asking questions I admit the questioning is extremely annoying and you can't have an adult conversation without one of them asking some kind of question, whereas my husband will tell them to mind their own business and go and play in their room I try to deal with it in a softer way. When he is home they are nagging him constantly and he thinks this is wrong they should be in their room or watching tv and letting him be an adult. We can't do days out together as it just ends up being a stress fest as if my son falls over his screaming and panic embarrasses my hubby or my DD will get cross if daddy refuses to answer her 10000 questions. I can cope with them and their demands but my husband says they are just constant attention seekers!! He blames me as I have always done loads with them from When they were little. I never used the tv or their rooms to give them alone time. When my hubby was a boy he was never allowed to play downstairs with his parents and he never went out anywhere for the day, my kids always want to be out no where expensive just the park or the woods or somewhere with us their parents but unfortunately when we are altogether they are loud and with my sons issues it does make the noise even more prominent . So do I need to reign their behaviour in and turn them into quiet children or is it my husband with the problem. Please be honest as I think I am trying my best with the children but now I am wondering if maybe my hubby is right and I should try to curb the kids noise a bit. They are learning a little bit that when daddy is home it is best not to talk to him but to be honest he isn't home much which is best really coz they can have a bit more freedom without being nagged at!! So who has the problem - is it my fault for allowing them to never shut up or should he relax a bit and realise that kids will be kids and going out for the day etc is a good thing!! Also posted similar thread in relationships as not sure if is really a parenting or relationship issue. Thanks

As I understand it (dn and his dad have aspergers) it's important for them to have alone quite time as overstimulation and constant interaction makes break downs more common. I think learning to entertain themselves sometimes would be good for you as a couple and later as a family, entertaining yourself and being able to be alone sometimes is an important skill as an adult.

Are either of them into reading - would some children's encyclopedias to find answers to their own questions help? Or a safe family computer.

Or Decide on a safe outside area they can go in together - maybe a play tent as a den - no adults allowed to make it them excluding you rather than you sending them away from you.

Obviously there should still be family time and days out - I think somewhere between the two is the answer.

Sounds like you're a lovely mum and have lovely inquisitive children. I don't really like your DH's attitude to be honest, why have children if you don't want to interact with them? On the other hand maybe some balance can be found. Learning to entertain themselves is also a useful skill for children.

Loud talking when they're playing together is absolutely fine in my opinion. Perhaps you could set up play in their bedroom sometimes if your DH wants to do something quieter downstairs. I'd be trying to do something about the fighting - I expect you already are. Perhaps people on the SN board here could help advise you about what you can do to help the younger one avoid meltdowns. From what I've heard sometimes it's just unavoidable though?

I think children asking questions is great. Joining in adult conversations fine and good. Children are part of the family and just as entitled to join in conversations as I am. I suspect that's all that's going on as your DH sounds a bit victorian in his approach.

But if they're actually interrupting adult conversations that's not so good. Could you work on waiting for the right moment to ask? Someone I knew had a strategy where if the adults were talking and the child had a question they'd put a hand on the adult's arm, and the adult would put their hand on top to say they knew the child was waiting.

And if you have actual adult-only conversations to have, maybe you could set aside some time after the children have gone to bed, or get a babysitter and go out for some quiet adult time.

Same advice as your other thread. See a solicitor, dcs will be far less "attention seeking" when the man that goes out all day so that he doesn't have to spend time with them is gone. No wonder they seek attention, poor kids.

Thanks for these messages all very helpful!! When it is just me and the kids they will play quite happily on their own its just when daddy is home they will not leave him alone but he is adamant he should be left alone and they should play so obviously he doesn't see the quieter more relaxed side of the kids because they are always on such a high when he is about!! It is the same with grandparents and aunties an uncles because we don't see them that often. So yes I think all these people think they are loud and rowdy but only due to excitement. People we see daily or regularly just see them as ordinary children and the rowdiness and excitement isn't present with family friends we see all the time!!Husbands worst nightmare tomorrow family day with his brother and his 5 kids so the excitement levels are going up and off the scale, none of the kids can wait but because he likes his own company he finds it really hard to comprehend how they can be excited at seeing their cousins they havent seen them since the Xmas before last!!

I think it is your (d)h that is the problem.

Children of 6/7 can be noisy and fighty especially siblings who are close in age. They also ask a lot of questions. It's how they find out about the world.

Ds1 has ADHD and ds2 has ASD and at that age they were very "in your face". I agree that I would discourage interrupting. They need to learn to wait their turn but ds3 (7) is still prone to interrupting. He is enthusiastic and forgets himself sometimes. My eldest two are now 18 and 16, best friends and rarely disagree. They are well able to entertain themselves and have been for a long time. You are not doing anything wrong.

Why did your husband agree to have children if he doesn't like children and doesn't want to do any parenting?

TBH when I met him he was a completely different person. He still enjoyed his own company but he had a wicked SOH which has almost gone now and the main thing which attracted me to him was his maturity he seemed so grown up as opposed to other men and he didn't want to spend all day in the pub drinking and watching football he liked going out walking or having a nice lunch in a quiet pub and he definitely wasn't one of the lads although he had a great group of friends they were more into walking and cycling!!! He had his own house which he kept immaculate not a shared flat covered in pizza boxes and dirty washing. In fact I had never met a man like him and I probably should have seen this as a warning sign - yes he would make a great husband but too mature and stuck in his ways to be able to relate to little people!!

I'm sorry Op but he sucks as a father.

Your kids sound normal as long as they are quiet at the right times like at school, the library...
If I were you Id only focus on trying to reduce the interruptions. Children asking a million questions can be an attention seeking thing but you should be able to tell this by whether or not they are listening to your answer.
Your husband is emotionally abusive. Children should not have to tiptoe round their parents' feelings and should be able to relax and be themselves.

So do I need to reign their behaviour in and turn them into quiet children or is it my husband with the problem. Please be honest as I think I am trying my best with the children but now I am wondering if maybe my hubby is right and I should try to curb the kids noise a bit.

I think the answer is somewhere in the middle, but yes, I do think that you need to curb the kids' noise a bit. i've answered more fully on your other thread.