'Would you mind if I was gay'

[Cuppachaplz]

Has anyone else experienced this kind if questioning from a 10 year old?

DS has asked this repeatedly over the last week or so.
I have obviously reassured him that I love him, and don't care two hoots what his life choices are so long as he is happy. I then get 'yes, but would you mind?'.
No, I have just said no, whatever makes you happy and healthy.
'But don't you want grandchildren?'
This leads to long discussions about surrogacy, adoption, gay marriage, and the fact that I want whatever makes him happy...

Whilst I genuinely don't mind what his preferences are, I am wondering why the constant questioning. And why he seems to think that I would be so bothered. I feel like I have done something wrong to make him feel that I would be bothered. We have always been very close, his dad left when he was 2, and have always had long discussions about EVERYTHING, so I am hurt that he now seems to think my live is conditional.

Any thoughts, please?

Ask him if there is something bothering him.

Maybe his dad or someone else has made a comment that's worrying him, or he has heard something at school. If you know what has caused the line of questioning then it would be easier to find the right approach.

Maybe it's just a term he's picked up at school OR someone's called him it so now thinks he is ? I would've thought 10 was a bit young to have established whether you were gay or not yet. But I could be wrong.

Um, I don't really have any useful advice but as a single mum to a 10-year old DS I didn't want to read and run.

OP in all honesty, wouldn't you mind? I am asking because I regard myself as a progressive, feminist, non-homophobic person but I would be disappointed precisely because, as your DS points out, I would love grandchildren. Also, life is easier if one fits into the mainstream. That does not mean that l that I would only love my child (or indeed myself) to the extent that he/she follows norms, or that I would want my child to pursue anything other than the path that will make him/her happiest. And I would, of course, support my child 100% if he/she were gay. But would I mind? Sorry, yes. And so would two very close gay friends of mine (with children) who I have discussed this with.

I am raising all that because I wonder if your DS isn't pushing you for honesty … if perhaps he has a sense that you are saying all the right things but that deep down you might stop loving him really if he were gay /deviated from any norms. Of course that's not the case. But, IF like me you would have some ambivalence (different from prejudice, I hope) then perhaps it's better to 'fess up and explain it honestly? So he knows that when you say "I would love you whatever" he knows that you mean it.

Not sure if I am on the right track here. Hope it's useful, please ignore if not.

Good luck. You sound like a lovely, thoughtful mum.

My concern was not whether he is or isn't or is too young/undecided etc etc
More, why he would thing that I would love home any less

I used to ask my DM this all the time, not because I'm gay (I'm not) but because she's quite homophobic and I used to pick arguments about it all the time. (Didn't work-she's still homophobic though thankfully less so now than when I was a teenager.) Could he have picked up that you disapprove of some particular group of people (not necessarily gay people) and be worrying that you won't love him anymore if he finds he is in that group? In a sort of reverse situation, recently I was ranting about UKIP to DM (her again!) and she got a bit upset because apparently my grandmother has voted UKIP in the past and she didn't want me respecting/loving her any less. Obviously it's not the same as a political vote is a choice, but it sort of works as a metaphor.

i think as suggested earlier you should ask him if anything is bothering him.
i don't think 10 is too young to feel like your attracted to the same sex.... didn't we all have crushes at 10 and younger? i know i did... not full on sexual feelings but he's cute crushes.
i think its important to let him know that he can talk openly to you. personally i wouldn't mind at all if my children all turned out to be gay as long as they are happy that's all that matters and i would never be disappointed for them being who they are.
and a good point from a bit on This Morning, as your children get into teens you can talk to.them about the dangers of unprotected sex especially if you have a gay son as they tend to skip over education for homosexuals in schools.

The line of questioning not unusual, he gas been asking this kind of thing for couple of years, but it's the fact that he thinks I would be bothered, the frequency, and he fact gat he's clearly not believing or listening to my answers.
anot thanks for that! but no I genuinely wouldn't. I grew up having other peoples expectations forced on me, and because of this the main thing for me is that he makes his own choices and knows that I am happy with that and love him whatever.
antoinette, a usefull point. Whilst I'm not the slightest bit homophobic, I can be quite intolerant and ranty about lazyness (most recently about DSS who refused point blank to get a job or do anything for him self or others about the house) so you may be right. That said though, it's not not having a job that bothers me, it is refusing to try to get one, which makes this a group that he has chosen to put himself into. I would like to hope that DS would talk to me before that, and it's a few years away yet...
Thanks everyone, some great points

It may be that he's trying to get his head around the general concept, rather than it being about him or about you. He may have heard something in the playground, or on TV, about some parents being judgemental, and be finding it difficult to understand how parents love could be conditional.

10yo aren't that great about having 'hypothetical' conversations, so this may be the only way he can express a more generic confusion about the way the world is.

You could try asking why he's asking about it. Or you could maybe try explaining that some people are odd about it and struggle to be okay about their children being gay, and explain how recent the changes in attitudes and laws are, and how lots of people grew up in a time when views were different.

I think there is a good chance he is asking in a harmless 'testing your love' kind of way. A lot of kids, unfortunately, throw gay around as an insult and see it as gross and he has probably been exposed to that at school. If he, unlike his peers, understands that being gay isn't something you choose to be then this may have led to him wondering if you would think less of him if he were gay.

He may just be asking only for repeated reassurance - even if he believes you fully that you wouldn't love him any less, the cultural pressure on children not to be different is very heavy, and he may just want to hear you say it every so often, perhaps to counter school playground talk. You may just need to keep reassuring him every time he asks for a while, but not worry overmuch about why he's asking.