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Original poster

Should I let ex DH takes DSs on holiday?

25 replies

Minki · 22/05/2014 00:33

My ex wants to take DS1, 6, and DS2, 4, on holiday for a week in the summer. He will be going to Italy to an apartment with a pool with his dad and his wife plus the boys. My ex left me and the boys when DS2 was 6 weeks old to go abroad to work for a year We joined him for 4 months then were mostly apart for 5 months then split (after he had an affair and left me for someone else) when boys were 1 and 3. Despite them seeing their dad every weekend (daytime only) and a couple of times in the week, they do not have a close relationship with him. They tolerate him but usually say that they don't want to go with him at the weekend and I have to spend ages encouraging and reassuring them before they go. For this reason, they have only ever stayed at his house twice in 2.5 years when I was away with work. I have never said anything negative about ex DH and do all I can to encourage the relationship (your dad loves you, want to see you etc) (despite the fact that he is a selfish narcissistic pig) and we are usually fairly relaxed around each other and civil) but boys say they don't like him and don't want to go with him. I am therefore having massive doubts about whether I can let them go on a week's holiday with him and their grandparents. Despite the safety risks (even though both boys can swim well, the pool can be a hazard, plus the beach/strangers/wandering off/kidnapping and ex DH is not that vigilant at all and has never looked after them by himself for any length of time so will probably be tired and careless) I know that they will miss me massively (and vice versa of course) and might be upset being apart from me all that time. My ex loves them but they are not that used to him. Are they too little to go What should I do? I should also add that I have an awful fear of flying and honestly don't think I can let the boys get on a plane if I am not with them. I can't bear the thought that if something awful were to happen, I wasn't there.

OP posts:

LadyWithLapdog · 22/05/2014 00:43

IMO the youngest may be too young to go without you if he's not that keen on his dad. I had mind going to spend time with their grandparents abroad. My youngest was 4 at the time but she wanted to go and they'd spent a lot of time with my parents here. We phoned daily etc.

Bananapickle · 22/05/2014 06:22

I think you should let them go.
Although you have expressed a few of your DCs thoughts, most of the objections are coming from your own fears which may be clouding your judgement. E.g. Not letting them on a plane without you because of your own phobia isn't really fair to them or your ex DH. (Don't mean that to sound harsh)
A couple of things I think are important to say are that your ex DH won't be looking after them by himself, his parents are with him so there will be 3 adults around.
Also a holiday may help build the DCs relationship with their Dad and help improve the long term situation. You say you do all you can to encourage the relationship, well this would be a great opportunity to do that.
Lastly you have allowed them to stay at his but it sounds like it was for your convenience (that may be unfair but you said it was because you were away with work) and so you could change that slightly and have them have sleep overs at your ex DHs between now and the holiday so they get more used to being with him.
They are just a few of my ramblings but hope they are useful in some way!!

Branleuse · 22/05/2014 06:24

let them go and big it up to them

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everlong · 22/05/2014 06:40

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

Minki · 22/05/2014 08:37

Thanks everyone. Bananapickle, those are exactly the reasons I want them to go and also so they have a lovely holiday in the sun. I do have a lot of worries about it but I think I could overcome them IF the boys were happy to go. They are not. I have discussed it with them and the DS1, 6, becomes really distressed, saying he doesn't want to go etc etc. DS2 is less bothered and should be ok if DS1 is. If they were happy to go then it would make it a lot easier but they are begging me not to send them. As for the sleep-overs here, yes they should go more but my ex doesn't ask/push it so neither do I. They seem ok doing it when there is a good reason, e.g. when I am away or a special occasion, but not otherwise.

OP posts:

neversleepagain · 22/05/2014 10:03

Unfortunately legally you have to let them go. I wouldn't be happy about it and don't blame you for feeling unsure.

neversleepagain · 22/05/2014 10:04

Unfortunately legally you have to let them go. I wouldn't be happy about it and don't blame you for feeling unsure.

Original poster

Minki · 22/05/2014 10:05

Neversleep, I don't think I do legally? He needs my consent to take them out of the country, I think?

OP posts:

basgetti · 22/05/2014 10:07

Legally the OP doesn't have to let them go in the absence of a court order.

OP perhaps you should consider a regular arrangement for overnights such as EOW so that the DCs get used to being away with him, and then if that goes well you can agree to consider a longer holiday at a later date.

waterrat · 22/05/2014 10:39

Could you explain that it will be hard work taking them because they are not happy about it - don't reflect it onto him but just say as small children they are very anxious about being away without you.

Could you build up to something like this more gently? I do think overall it's fair that a father should be able to take his children on holiday - but it's also right that he puts the steps in place so that the children are happy and you know they are safe.

What are his parents like? Could you speak to them as well and say you want to help make holidays happen but can't agree to something so extreme as a first step?

BertieBotts · 22/05/2014 11:44

I'm with water rat. It's a lovely idea but the boys aren't keen. That's understandable so building up to it would-be the best course of action. Maybe increase contact with grandparents? I have to say it's unusual that they're not interested in staying with him when they seehim regularly. Is it a real non interest or is it more of a transition thing, like all children complain about having to go to school even if they love school. Do they have more toys, etc at home or not really? Just seems odd that they are unenthusiastic, most DC seem to think that the sun shines out of the NRP's arse!

BertieBotts · 22/05/2014 11:46

Oh ok I've just read again and they don't stay over often. I think they need to do this to feel comfortable enough for. Holiday.

Theyaremysunshine · 22/05/2014 11:47

It's ridiculous. I say that as a child whose parents divorced when i was 7.

When they and he are happy and used to sleepovers at his house every other weekend, that's the time to discuss holidays. That is an essential first step. Otherwise how will they feel when they wake with a nightmare or are poorly, he can't comfort them becausehe hasn't done overnights and you're in another country.

Why not say how much you'd like to build up to the boys enjoying that sort of holiday but maybe next year and then encourage every other weekend sleepovers and perhaps later a long weekend away in the UK. It wouldn't be much if a holiday if the boys don't want to go.

Ludways · 22/05/2014 11:48

I'd let them go. Express your concerns to exh and discuss them with him. This might be the first step to addressing the issues between them.

Foodylicious · 22/05/2014 11:59

I think its a tough situation, but there is plenty of time between now and summer for ex DH to have them over night a few times and for a few weekends too.
He will need to spend more time with them when they are able to be relaxed and themselves, & not just on their best behavior so he knows what he is signing up to having them for that long.
Also worth finding out how he plans to entertain them, don't want them bored whilst the adults just hang out by the pool.

neversleepagain · 22/05/2014 13:01

Basgetti that is what I mean. Legally she has to let them go. He can get a solicitor and a court order granting him permission to take his children on holiday. OP will have the same rights if she wants to take her DC on holiday abroad too.

Littlef00t · 22/05/2014 14:53

I think aim for next year, and ensure regular overnights and a weekend away in huge uk as a pp suggested. Sounds a potential recipe for disaster being a plane ride away without a good track record.

BertieBotts · 22/05/2014 17:01

Surely it doesn't need to come down to legal anything. They can discuss it between them and decide on the best course of action.

OwlCapone · 22/05/2014 17:06

How have discussed it with them? Did you put any kind of positivity into the discussion?

Original poster

Minki · 22/05/2014 22:23

Yes, I put loads of positivity into it. "It will be great fun, there is a swimming pool etc etc" but they are adamant they don't want to go So, as bonkers as this sounds, I have booked myself and DP flights out to the same location 2 days after they go and into a hotel 20 minutes away so that we are there is they need us. DP thinks I am totally mental and that we are "going on holiday with my ex" but at least we will be close to them and can take them for a day or two. Still worried about the flights though.

OP posts:

Ludways · 23/05/2014 09:56

Minki, I think that's a really generous and considerate thing to do. How lovely of you.

I hope you all have a lovely time... Maybe you and dh can even get some time alone, oh the bliss!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 23/05/2014 10:05

It's very generous of you. I think you will end up having your holiday with the boys and you know it, as after 2 days both your ex and the boys will be sick of the arrangement.

Hopefully you can then use this as a worked example. If he wants to take them on holiday and be fun holiday dad, he has to put in the work with them all the time- overnights, getting to know them, being a good fun loving dad, until they trust him and WANT to be with him.

Have a discussion about it when you get back and make it clear that this won't happen again - if by the next time he wants Funtime he hasn't put in the work and they don't want to go, you'll be respecting that.

He gets out what he puts in. Soooo, being a selfish narcissistic pig is going to make it a wee bit difficult for him. Tough.

FunkyBoldRibena · 23/05/2014 10:10

If the kids aren't keen don't force them to go.

MultipleMama · 24/05/2014 16:51

Won't you being there take away the fact that your ex DH is wanting to spend time with them and have a bonding experience, wouldn't the DC knowing you're there be more keen to be with you and what essentionally was a holiday for your ex-DH and family is now a holiday for you and the kids and he will become left out because they have no excuse to do stuff with their dad and looks like they would choose you over him. What was going to be a fun holiday may be a "an awkward, uncomfortable holiday". Not fair in my opinion despite his relationship with you.

Just my 2 cents but you're their mother and have right to be involved and discuss holidays.

prettywhiteguitar · 24/05/2014 21:25

Humm my ds is 6 if he was saying he didn't want to stay with his dad I would listen to him.

What are his reasons ? If they don't have regular contact a week can be a very long time. My ds went to his dads for a week last year and struggled and he goes every other weekend normally. He went this year and was fine though. They are still very young listen to them

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