am I a bad mum?

[pocopearl]

I met a lovely group of ladies on here over a year ago, all with our babies due around the same time. Now we are all o facebook with each other recently a discussion about pushy parents which self confessed I am one. Now im receiving a bit of backlash about my parenting from a group of ladies normally very unjudgemental and extreamly supportive. Which makes me wonder if they are implying what I do is wrong, is it?
Am I a shit mum?
This is what I do
DS isnt walking yet but is standing unaided and can bend down and pick up. We baby sign, and he does sign back (not perfect). we do lots of tasks everyday always those Designed at least 1 stage ahead. He does have play though, although its play designed to get him learning. His first birthday pressies are pretend play kitchen, market, tools and dr station with intention he will be role playing early. He also has number charts and colour charts and alphabet charts which we run through 3-4 times a day.

I feel so utterly crap now. That group wad my lifeline since developing massive anxiety with going out.

It seems that you are trying hard, but from my own experience children will learn best at this age just through fun. Use songs to teach alphabet, or counting games such as clapping etc. I am not sure a child under one would need to learn more formally, but you can include learning in everyday tasks. If these are generally supportive and up judgemental friends then perhaps think about what they are saying. Your child is learning everyday about the world around them, you been in their life, with them playing is enough for their development at this stage. Have fun and enjoy ,,, you are not a crap person, it seems to me you are someone who wants the best for their child, but I would suggest that play and learning work best.

This is two separate issues really. You sound like a great mum if a little too competitive, yet you might be an annoying friend by being too pfb and show offy with your parenting. People don't really like to be reminded of how other people are bringing their children up constantly, even if they are parents themselves. Parenting is contentious and causes a lot of arguments as everyone had their own way and views, and some people like to think that their way is the best way and pass that on.

My advice would be bring up your dc how you want, but avoid discussing this with friends as much as possible.

I personally hate competitive parenting and am very relaxed about everything from sweets, to learning. To tv time, but I realise this isn't right for every parent and child and respect that by not getting into debates/ competition with friends who are pushy.

Where's the fun? At this stage you should definitely not be always teaching. He'll have all that soon enough at school.

'...always those Designed at least 1 stage ahead. He does have play though, although its play designed to get him learning.'

That's sad. He's a baby! He will learn from just watching you - everyday things, jobs round the house, trips to the park, tickling him and cuddles and playing peek a boo.

I don't think you're a shit mum, as you obviously want the best for your dc, but I think you need to ease off a bit. What will you be like when they are at school? Extra tutoring every day, desperate for them to be in the top reading group? Chill out a bit...

I agree that it could be a bit of a waste of time with an under one but you cannot be making your child do these things. they wouldn't engage in these activities if they really didn't want to and would just crawl off. on that basis you are far from a bad mum. a little keen and more enthusiastic re learning than most but not bad. ignore them. most criticism stems from a bit of jealousy or guilt.

Just so its clear I dont show off or brag when he hits milestone, pics of him are generally mucky faced and normal baby pics. We do also sung alphabet to him and other nursery rhymes. We do messy play at least everyother day. He doesnt get forced to do these things and has the freedom to wonder off when he has had enough.

I dont do it to be competitive just want him to be the best he can be

I can't really see anything wrong per se - but it all sounds a bit structured for me so it's a good job it's nothing to do with me.

We try to engage DD, 15mo, in various stuff but I can't say she'd be in the slightest bit interested in a play kitchen at her age. For her birthday she got lots of books (she loves books) and a play table, which she's only now starting to use with sand and water. She's learning plenty.

I don't think you're a bad mum but your way of doing things is not my cup of tea. To me it seems too controlled and puts an awful lot of pressure on both mum and baby and does seem a bit joyless and I'd be way too lazy to sustain it.

My DS has just turned 1 and he learns through working alongside me. His favourite job is loading the dishwasher. I empty it, then give him some plastic spoons and plates and he spends hours putting them in, taking them out, climbing inside so he can put them in a different way. He's also learning how to plant and grow his own vegetables. So far he's at the 'mmm mud, let's eat it' stage.

So you want you child to develop and do well. Oh you awful mum you. OP it's your child and it's up to you how you raise him. The only judge of your parenting will be your child, when he grows up. What exactly is the issue the other mums have? Are they actually a bit jealous or something?

I think you will find that, providing children are talked to and have access to play, they will all be the best they can and that all the 'specially designed for learning' play really doesn't make much difference.
Children learn best from copying and joining in, at this age play focused on learning is a bit pointless, yes he may do things a bit sooner than his peers but they will all get there and your child won't be any brighter as a result.

Do these activities if it makes you happy and doesn't make your child unhappy but don't do them because you want to build a better baby.

Of course you're not a crap mum, yo love him, you're doing your best and providing him with plenty of opportunities to learn...

BUT... I was a little concerned at your plan to have him 'role playing early'. At this age it is really important to let HIM lead you. Your toys sound great, but it's just important that he gets to choose what to do and when, and that it's totally okay with you that he will be early with some things and late with others - because all babies are like this, even the most talented ones! At this age he will start to focus on his favourite things and progress those areas first over other skills - for example my DS1loved movement and was walking at 10 months but not role playing or much reading until nearly 18 months as he just wanted to be singing, running and dancing! At 4, though, he loves imaginative play and is reading well above most of his year (we read to him at night and support him, but certainly haven't pushed it). Dd was much quieter and crawled and walked late but role played early and loved books from tiny. And ds2 is still too little to be sure, but he's already the chattiest and snuggliest of the three.

There's actually a study (can't remember where, but it was Swiss) that suggested that how early or late babies reached milestones up to 18 months had minimal correlation with later success. In the meantime, you're doing so well by giving your baby opportunities, but also give both of you a break some times. They learn best by imitation, so give a spare cloth when you clean, some clothes to load into the machine, a brush for his hair while you do yours and you'll have lots of fun (and role play) in no time.

Oh, and do reread when you have more kids, you will be shocked at the decline in your standards - and how they all seem to turn out okay anyway!

You are not a crap mum. No way. You clearly want what's best for your ds. And you're providing what you think is appropriate to be able to do just that. That's called being a great parent!

But (sorry) it's sounds like there is a lot of pressure on your wee boy to be "advanced" beyond his actual capabilities. At this early stage you can show them what's what repeatedly if you like. They'll either grasp it or they won't. They'll either like role play or they won't.

Don't push too hard, they'll end up pushing back and not wanting to do any of it.

You're not a bad mum. Nothing bad about wanting the best future for your child.

Sounds to me like you thrive on structure and control - is this perhaps to offset your anxiety, which lessens your control in other areas of your life? Does it help you to have structure, know what's planned and to keep you busy?

I think what you're doing is more for you than your son, as he's so young he'll learn and develop at the rate nature has set for him at this stage, organized activities or not. Won't harm him at this stage but you might want to have a think about the pressure it will put you both under as the years progress and how this will impact and shape your relationship.

In the end, he will be who he wants to be, whether it's what you had in mind or not; don't risk sacrificing your relationship on the altar of a vision that might not come to pass.

I say this as someone who was very much measured on academic achievements as a youngster and it has very much shaped who I am. I always want to be the best at everything I do. That's not a good thing, in my opinion and can cause much heartache.

How I was brought up has massively influenced my views on education and unnecessary pressure on youngsters to the point that we will be home educating both our boys until they decide they want to try 'mainstream' education.

I do still love a good flashcard though...

You are not a bad mum. However, I agree with other posters that it all sounds a bit regimented and joyless. IME kids learn best in their own time and in their own way (I'm talking pre-school here, there are many years of structure awaiting them when they get there). Wanting your dc to be the best they can be is one thing but when kids are very little I think they reach milestones at their own pace, I doubt your methods will actually be very effective in the end.

Also I think that it's important to let him lead. You might actually be undermining him by leading so much?

Honestly, you're not at all crap! But I do think some of what you're doing is unnecessary. Children who grow up in loving homes with a typical range of opportunities for play and interaction WILL learn all of the things you're trying to teach. I'm just not sure what is to be gained by trying to do it 'one stage ahead'.

I am a developmental psychologist interested in potential and achievement, and I have seen no research to suggest that there is any advantage in hot-housing. However, there's no discernable disadvantage either - so do whatever makes you and your baby happy.

Just don't get hung up on it all - we all parent differently, and as long as your child is loved and gets plenty of good interaction, then you're doing well.

You are not crap. But you do seem to have made your dc into a bit of a project. Do you think this may be because your anxiety has meant you have lost other interests and focus in your life? Are you getting help with this?

Maybe ask yourself why it matters that he does stuff early? What difference will it make if he can do colours or shapes a few months sooner? Agree with others that you're not a crap mum but also that maybe easing up a bit might be appropriate.

You're definitely not a crap mum!

I wonder though, that your desire for him to be doing things early, being advanced and achieving measurable goals and milestones, might be a new expression of your anxiety? By that I mean you might have transferred your anxiety into making sure you are doing everything possible to develop your son. Do you enjoy all these activities? (I'm sure your son does!) How do you feel if you aren't able to do these activities on one day? Do you enjoy relaxed downtime with him too? How would you feel if your friends DCs we're achieving milestones earlier than your DS?

FWIW, I was really anxious about doing activities to stimulate DD when she was very little. We had a rough start and were monitored overly closely by HV and I think it left me feeling quite inadequate. In total honesty, I felt proud, relieved, and a little smug (I'm cringing writing this! I did try my best to disguise this, I hope I managed!) when DD crawled, walked, talked etc before her little friends. I've relaxed into being a mum and we go with the flow now. I realise that I don't need her to be first in order to validate my parenting and I'm really glad I learned that lesson before DD was old enough to feel like I was somehow overly invested in her being "advanced."

I might be way off and you might not identify with this at all so please ignore me if this doesn't sound right to you.

Do these activities if it makes you happy and doesn't make your child unhappy but don't do them because you want to build a better baby.

It will though. Ok, maybe it won't be any better than just playing, singing and chatting to him but its absolutely proven that babies whose parents interact more and are more focused on learning / education do better. Sustainably.

That said op, I don't think you need to do quite the formal structured learning you (sound like) you're doing. Have you read much on how children learn and child development? You could try reading a few books / doing some research on how best to support his development at this age. I think this would really help. It's really important for dc to have independent play (for all kinds of developmental reasons). Also, you say "it's always play designed to get him learning" at this age there is no play that ISN'T learning. All learning is done best through play.

You could try reading "how children succeed" which is a really interesting book. It talks about how a strong bond with a main carer was shown to be a massive marker for later happiness / success, amongst other very interesting things,
I also like Pinterest "play at home mom" and the imagination tree for interesting, fun ideas to do with dc.

You're not a shit mum, but you do need to make sure it's for your dc s benefit and that he's enjoying whatever you're doing (which it sounds like he is - not many 1 year olds do things they don't want to!!) also, maybe best to be careful with the way you talk about it with other people / don't discuss it too much.

I pretty much agree with all the previous posts.

You are definitely not a crap mum!! I would encourage independent play too though - it's funny to see what your baby suddenly gets obsessed with. My 12 mo is currently obsessed with putting things inside of other things. I let him get on with it and have a cuppa. I think it's really important that babies learn to entertain themselves not that I'm just too lazy, oh no

Don't give up on your other mummy friends because of this - it sounds as though they are a good support network and it would be sad to lose them because of a small (and it is small) difference of opinion.

Thank you. I think my main reason for doing it is I didn't feel I was pushed enough as a child. Ds does enjoy
He has the freedom to walk crawl off. He does also have opportunity for independent play. And does also get to watch a little tv im not all bad. Mil thinks I treat him like an experiment but thats too harsh and she never gave her boys any support. Im a psychologist too currently a sahm I just want him to do well, not be hindeted in his development by my anxiety and to be encourage. Babyhoos and childhood are new (last 60-70 years) ideas. Im not saying other parenting styles are wrong, and I would never dream of saying that, just that there is merit in my methods too.

My ds is signing, able to pass the correct colour block when asked, he is attempting to walk and has fantastic problem solving skills.

Perhaps they feel a bit threatened? A close friend took a similar tack to you and I often felt like I wasn't trying hard enough with my child as a result. Clearly that was my issue, but her continual suggestions that I do similar things when I just wanted DS to play grated a bit.

Also, My cousin took the learning continually approach to the extreme and it has not ended well. Perhaps your friends know of a similar tale.

You know your child, if he's happy, who cares?

Hi OP.

You're not a bad mum, far (far) from it and clearly want the best for your child. But I completely agree that you sound stressed and it all sounds a bit like your idea of learning, not your son's. It does sound calculated to push him through milestones.

DD is two. I studied some psychology and a fair bit of child language acquisition and I'm very interested in child development. We did baby sign (fab) and all sorts of classes. I too was a bit guilty of trying to force things through, but we have a much, much better relationship since I figured out that she learns best through play and experience.

She's pretty advanced with language and lots of physical things right now, but it will all even out by school age I'm sure. Absolutely talk away to your son about colours, numbers, alphabets, play, his environment etc, and interact with him.

But he'll pick everything up at his own pace - you just can't influence when he's ready to adopt that information. The very best thing you can do is model behaviour and speech, take him to do new things, play with him, let him help you. There's no point in 'lessons' or 'sessions' really; he's a little learning sponge and will pick it up whatever you do!

Just accept the differences and don't worry about them in your group. You'll go through other differences of opinion I'm sure!

Well you're not a bad mum in the slightest, you want the best for your DS and that in itself makes you great :).

Your social anxiety is clearly affecting your perception of others' reaction to you. With everything you have to put aside what other people might think. Parenting is such a difficult area when it comes to friends and it's because if the competitive element, bred by worrying and insecurities of most parents.

From reading your post I'd surmise that you are a very organised and together mum. When you take out the parts about feeling insecure it would seem that you have ideal set up - basically, all the things I said I would do but then didn't actually get around to doing, that in itself set me off! Your friends don't know that you feel this way, if I didn't then I'd be a bit intimidated and feel like my own parenting methods were a bit lazy and that I could be doing more with regards to structured play and that you were trying to show me how rubbish I am. It is probably that your friends feel to way and are trying to make themselves feel better by distancing themselves a bit.

It's difficult being friends with people who you meet through baby groups and the like, eventually you need more in common than the fact you had children at the same time in order to understand the choices each other makes. I know the mums I met when DS was tiny have started to taper off a bit with each other as our children have got older, at 18 months we've all made different choices and it seems like it's quite competitive even though it probably isn't.

I'd just relax about the structured play, let your DS discover through play and investigating things himself, he'll learn when he's ready. At 12 months my DS wasn't interested in structured play and I'm not sure why you want your DS to role play early, it just seems like a lot of pressure. Try to see what else you have in common with these people, chat about other things and avoid the subject of parenting. They might gain a better understanding of you and realise that you are also quite insecure.