I am losing my identity, my self esteem and my control.

[Quadrophenia]

Oh where to start, tomorrow i'm going to have to phone the school where I am supposed to start as a T/A next week and tell them I will be unable to do the job. I feel hugely resentful about this, as it seemed a perfect job, with school holidays etc, but with the start time and finish time, I will be forking out £24 in childcare per day for my four kids (a conservative estimate) and it just won't be worth it. I really wanted this job, and after a day long interview I felt really proud to get it, it meant so much more than just a job, it was my step back into the real world.
I have been a SAHM since the birth of my fourth child 3 1/2 years ago, I am lucky enough to have some fab friends and an active social life, but whilst everyone else has so much to bring into conversation etc, I feel I am largely defined by my role as a mother. Don't get me wrong, Iget lots of compliments on how well Ido, but I'm sick of it. I am also sick of people coming to me with their parenting woes, expecting me to give the answers, whilst I acept it is a huge compliment, I want people to ring me for other reasons. My youngest ds will be attending pre school five sessions a week from next week, and whilst i should be looking forward to getting on top and having some me time i am dreading it, I need a job, I want a job, I want my own money (well just money will do), I want to feel valued and like i have something to contribute to the world. I feel I have alot to give but just don't know where to give it. On top of all this I am overeating, it is ridiculous but i can't stop, I desperately need to loose weight but have neither the motivation or the inclination, I am used to being complimented on how i look, and am dreading that due to my weight gain, these compliments will stop. I know I sound like a needy, confused f*ck up, and I know i need to get a grip, but for the first time I just do not know how Thanks for reading. I have to go and do stuff now but will be back later

How much would you be earning a day? Would you get any help from Tax Credits? entitledto.co.uk or .com will help you with that.
Sorry you are feeling so down
Dont ring up to refuse the job just yet.

Hi charliecat, I owe the tax credits people money (part of the reason i was looking for empolyment as my payments have dropped) so doubt I will get any help. I will be earning about £36 per day for three days so really won't come out with anything, once i consider petrol etc. I just feel that with four kids unless I'm working full time on a whopping wage its going to be impossible

I'm sorry you are feeling so down and upset, it sounds like you have been doing a great job IMHO. Is there any way you could do the job part-time? Perhaps mornings only or a couple of days a week?

oh dear I really feel for you
apart from WTC and family anf frieds it all get v expensive and shit

Throwing some random figures into entitled to.com, earning 7 grand a year and having 4 kids and having childcare costs of £83 is saying you would get Child Tax Credit: £146.42 per week. Put in the right figures...see what pops up

would it be pobbisble for the school to reduce the hours slightly over the day you work so that you won't need the CM.

I knwo DS's school are very flexible like that as they are crying out for classroom help.

I was going to post something very similar to sobernow: do the job anyway.

For one I think you will get something in tax credits as your situation is exactly what they were designed for. But even if you come out breaking even, it sounds like the job itself would do you a lot of good without the money.

Thanks guys for your responses, Charliecat my dp earns so we wouldn't be entitled to that, I've just been on webiste and in theory I should get £130 a week, £10 more than I get now although i get a very small percentage of this as i was overpaid (my dp's wages have gone up too).

Sobernow and senora, whilst your posts have certainly struck a chord with me, yes I am scared but for slightly different reasons. I'm not scared of work I'm scared of the sheer hastle, I have four kids six and under, getting all four to a childminder who will then have to take them to school, then my ds to pre-school the other side of town, where she will then have to pick him up, and my kids from school later, its all a logistical nightmare, my friend who is a childminder who i thought may do it won't, she simply can't have that many kids. Its really driving me mad I honestly do want the job, i don't embrace change particularly well but knwo the time is right. I may try LTH idead of seeing if they are prepared to budge on hours. Its all making me feel incredibly crap

I thought that the tax credits could not take away the childcare element of your payments, I may be wrong but it is worth checking. I know we owe them money but we still get our childcare element as without that I couldn't work.

thanks twinsetandpearls, I tried ringing them tonight before I make any decsion but couldn't get through. I know i sound like I'm making excuses but f*cking hell mt life feels sooo hard at the moment, I soo want a job but not sure how it will fit in with everything. feel like i'm putting everyone else first which is how it should be, but i'm scred that bit by bit I'm losing my sense of self

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Hi guys, I rang them today and told them of my childcare dilemma and explained that it would make it very difficult for me to take the position. Th lady was lovely very understanding and said that my application and interview were fantastic, so once I have sorted things out then get back in touch if I'm still interested in working there. I feel sad that I have done it but in all honesty the childcare was a very real dilemma for me, there is a very real possibilty that i would have had to split my four children, as the chidminder i had lined up when i went for the job as found other employment during the holidays.
I am scared of going back into employment, and I do really want it, but it has to be right for me and the kids and deep down I kind of just knew this wasn't. I've spoke at length with a friend in my old employment who says there is a very real possibility I could go back there on a bank basis so not too structured but enough for me to start making inroads back into adult life.
Thanks for your responses people it was very helpful to look at other suggestions for my decision, and it kind of, by looking it from different angles made me realise i was doing the right thing. xx

btw the reason I didn't put off the decision any longer is because I was due to start next week and I didn't think it would be fair on the school. Otherwise I would still have been deliberating on Monday morning!

I am a T.A I work 9.30 -2.30 daily.Up to 9.30 it is assembly and from 2.30 it is playtime in lower ks1 a lot of the time thus reducing the actual one to one contact time that I am assigned. It might help to look at the timetable structure see if you could chop your hours similarly to suit.

Thanks Sobernow x It certainly was very nice to hear particularly when I expected a frosty reception. I just know that now is the right time for me to work, the house is getting me down, the kids are getting me down, noone ever bloody appreciating what i do is getting me down. But it does have to be right for us all, my kids are used to having me here, it would be a big deal for someone else to drop off and pick up 3 days a week, and whilst i know they would cope i wan that to be me (or my friend who was originally going to be my childminder). I know I'm not right in myself at the moment but hopefully it will all slot into place soon, much as i dread the kids going back i think the routine and structure will do me good, as you said it all just merges into one big day sometimes!

That sounds ideal Joanna (I'm Joanna too!)however it was a secondary school for pupils with learning difficulties so right from the beginning of the day its very hands on.