grandparents more relaxed (slightly negligent?) attitude to caring for your children?

[needtobediscreet]

Just seeking reassurance and perspective....
MIL is visiting for the day. She and my toddler DS have been having a lovely time in the garden this morning. He's been ' helping ' her. with various garden jobs.
As always though, I've had to correct her on some things. She has an overly relaxed attitude IMO.
So far today I've had to:

• ask her not to give DS a bucket full of water from the water butt and a manky old rag from the shed as he was using the rag to drink the water with (eugh!!) and was getting soaking wet in the process. I had to ask her twice not to let him do this and the second time DS had a meltdown and I felt bad.
• not to let DS run around the garden with a small metal gardening fork in his hand. She says she was watching

him but I could see from the kitchen window that she was turning away to tend the plants every so often.

• not to let DS carry a metal washer the sizw of a 5p coin around in his hand. When I saw it, I asked him to give it to me and said 'oh, you can't

have that' and MIL responded with 'Oh yes, he's been carrying that around for about the last half an hour.' ??!! I could give more examples. Everytime she visits there's something. She dotes on DS and is otherwise lovely and helpful etc but I just don't understand her attitude and when I point out something isn't safe or sensible imo, she seems to be both slightly offended and think I'm being OTT, which I'm not sure I am....? She's had four kids of her own and is a social worker so presumably used to making risk assessments?

How old is DS?

Oh, sorry, that's quite important info! He's 20 months.

In that case - yes I would be concerned about the washer. I would be less concerned about the water issues, apart from the drinking bit (although kids of that age tend to eat and drink most things, and it doesn't seem to cause much harm!)

1. the water and rag - I would have just said let's swap for cleaner cloth and clean water and would have let carry on - its just water, and weathers ok
2. would take away if running, but leave if just walking/playing
3. would leave. But mine never put stuff in mouths. My 2 year old always plays with collections of buttons he threads on real needle and thread, and loves pennies and 5ps. He knows he can't eat them

the water thing is fine. Soaking wet is fine (it's a nice day) and germs are fine (in moderation!) Mucking about in the garden does involve earth so even if the rag is clean, there will be other germs...

The washer thing I'd maybe take it off him but not stress that he had it iyswim. Running with the fork - no probably not a good idea.

It's so difficult with family, not especially generational, I think, mostly personality explains it. My mom was a SW too & had relaxed attitude to risk, which I mostly have too. My dad is similar now. His idea of watching the kids is hide behind a newspaper while the kids (6+9yo) run feral out of sight but (probably) within 200 metres.

My step mum, on the other hand, was astonished that I let DS (almost 10yo) go to the public toilet by himself, or that I would leave DD (rising 13) sit alone in a car in a public carpark while we went to shops. Extreme differences!

You say there's something every time she visits.....to be honest I feel a bit sorry for your MIL, I think she's just trying to have a pleasant time with her grandson.

As you're there anyway why don't you just go out and join them, rather than watch what she's 'doing wrong' through the window? That way you don't have to rely on nanny to risk-assess everything DS does. You'll probably all feel more relaxed and able to enjoy the visits more.

I think there is definitely a generational difference - we are living in the world of very hands-on parenting these days in a society that is obsessed with health and safety, and that rubs off on many of us. I have to actively tell myself to chill out about certain things or I'd never be able to relax and let my dc's have fun. My in-laws are certainly much more relaxed than I am, although they dote on their dgc. I think the best approach may be somewhere inbetween us. I don't criticise what they do, but will remove hazardous items from the dc's if the in-laws haven't done, and say things light-heartedly like "dd's such an adventurer, she'll do 'such-and-such' if I don't remove that!" I certainly agree with the little washer, dd2 would eat that. And the filthy rag is a bit grim. I'd also swap it for a clean bucket of water or watering can and cloth or stick to poke in it. I wouldn't fuss about the getting wet, kids dry! It sounds like your MIL and ds were having fun together, I would probably just keep half an eye if you want to make sure all is safe, or else don't watch!

Agree with Greenishme, I think you may need to relax a bit, getting wet is fine, I just change them into dry clothes later. Maybe do as the others suggest and think of other ways of removing something by giving him something else, wait until he gets bored and drops it.

My Dad does a load of gardening in my garden (he does it because he likes gardening and its a win win for me). He has the children using tools etc and helping him out. They love it and it is something that they do just with him. I sometimes get a bit 'twitchy' as he has them using tools but he does watch them and gets them using them safely.

As your DS gets older he will want to do more things, jump, climb etc and you need to let him do that (within reason obviously), it is the only way for him to learn and develop.

Once caught my FIL letting DS hold and wander around with a battery powered drill - now that is dangerous.

I agree with others, you really need to relax a bit.

I totally get how you feel, particularly about the garden fork, 20 month olds trip over so easy and he could have lost an eye! Knowing my son would potentially be left doing things like this with my parents or ils would mean I would refuse to leave him alone with them. which would cause friction and inconvenience.

I don't see why a grandparent can't take on board your requests, if said politely, without contesting it, even if it is silly your his mum, you have the right to make sure he is being looked after properly and if he fallen on the fork after you'd asked for him not to have it then how would everyone have felt?

This would frustrate me too. Your MIL should really be listening to you and supporting what you ask of her and DS. I don't think this is so much about the actual things she's being relaxed about but more the principle of it all.

Would she listen more if DH said it? Might be infuriating but at least the points might get across... And really playing devils advocate here bit does she have a hearing problem??

The water thing I would not worry about - toddlers constantly put dirty things in their mouths. I would absolutely not have a problem with him getting wet - it's important children are not made to feel fussy or weird about being dirty ir muddy etc they will pick up if you don't like it and become more fussy themselves

Possibly agree about fork and washer but would not call either negligence !

Ooh gross, I'm really surprised people think it's ok to, effectively, drink water from a water butt - they are full of nasties including flies and eggs, stagnant foul water that's been sitting about and drinking it could make you seriously ill.
I don't think you're being ott at all, the washer is a choking hazard and if he falls on the fork could seriously hurt himself!