separated wife wants me to look after kids more

[NormalBloke]

Ok so 3 months ago we seperated and she wants a divorce.We have 3 kids.
I am truly devastated and each day we are apart is absolute agony. Would love nothing more than to reconcile one day.

Anyway I agreed to HER very strict terms about how often our children could stay over with me 3 nights every 2 weeks but at first I wanted much more. I felt I had no choice but to agree to this.

But now after been so hard and strict about the custody schedule I think she realises how hard it is for her to take care of them on her own they are quite young...She now is asking for me to look after them extra nights mainly on friday or saturday night that coincides with social nights out etc.

I know its stupid but I have an extremely broken heart and if I have them I know I am helping her chances of meeting someone else.....Ahhhhhhh

I know its stupid but its making me really really anxious and upset even thinking about it...if I had the kids I would spend the whole night thinking what is she up to. But I am also getting stressed that if I say no she will dislike me even more and lessen any slight chance of getting back together.

This sucks I feel pathetic but just cant shake these thoughts off at the moment.

Can anyone relate to this? I need to get back to her with an answer so would love some advice on what u think I should do next.

While understandable that you are hurting you cannot use not wanting her to move on as a reason not to take the dc more. But I also think it is unreasonable to ask you to have them every weekend if that's what she is doing. You are entitled to a social life too.

It is very new you are both being irrational and need to have a proper conversation about what contact is best for the children not what is best for both of you.

I think you should start putting your children's feelings before your own.

You are rather too old for angst-ridden sagas and game playing.

I don't know what chance you have of reconciling with your wife, but for most adults, neediness is a deeply unattractive trait.

Hi Normal, I read your other thread. I am sorry this is so difficult for you, but my advice would be to separate out your hurt and devastation at the end of your marriage from the fact that your kids will benefit from having an involved dad. They are two separate issues.

My personal advice would be to seek mediation to sort out a proper contact schedule. Lots of dads would think it is brilliant to get more time with DC without fighting for it. But you both need to think about how the contact can best be organised to suit everyone. Can you have dc during the week or does it have to be weekends? The norm would bs for DC to have a full weekend with both parents alternately, this means you get quality time with DC, but also you can both make your own weekend plans. So, more time yes, but properly discussed and agreed around dc best interests. I would be looking at a split which gives you weekday time and weekend time. But do sound positive about the extra contact and take some initiative about sorting a formal arrangement.

As for your feelings about your separated wife, you do need to come to terms with things, so please do find someone to talk to, i.e. Counselling. She has made it clear the marriage is over for her, you are understandably devastated bit you cannot control what she does now and you should not be seeking to, by keeping her at home with dc. Your priority now is DC and getting the right contact arrangement for them and sorting out your emotional state, not keeping tabs on her. You did recognise some reasons why your marriage ended, don't perpetuate them.

I think you should have them every other weekend so that you can both have a social life.
Only time will heal the pain that you are experiencing but don't put obstacles in the way of you both moving on as it will only delay the healing process.

Definitely agree to having the children on more nights, but maintain parity on how many friday and saturday nights you each have.

Believe me it's not going to make that much difference to her meeting someone new if she is ready to move on. I'm really sorry for the grief you are experiencing for the lost relationship but there is no way that you can slow down her moving on by being awkward.

Put the kids needs first, spend as much time with them as you possibly can, and be a grownup.

That's a bit harsh canus

Agree re the separation of issues though, it's early days and can't imagine how hard it must be, but your children have to be at the centre of it all.

If she's going to meet someone, it's as likely at the supermarket as on a night out. Conversely, it may well be far too early for her too, and there might not be anyone.

Surely you just want to see your kids as often as possible?

I know I'm not in your situ but I do think it would be that simple for me. They are the priority, always.

I think your perspective has become seriously skewed if you are putting feelings of possessiveness and wanting to control your ex's actions above simply spending time with your children.

Are you getting some counselling or similar, perhaps to let you see what went wrong (and possibly your part in it - tho I don't know the details obv)?

Hey great response.....

Look my head is saying yes have the kids extra yes yes yes

But

My heart is really messing me up and making me upset

I know the right thing to do (I think) but I just need to summon the strength/ energy to suck it all up warts and get on with it.....I am honestly really trying to think positive
and put kids first but it just feels so bloody confusing and an
all consuming hurtfest.

Yes might look into counselling I am not afraid to do this as this has taken over my life.

The last few weeks have not been as bad as this....its just when she gets in touch out of the blue for me to do extra its a trigger for these feelings to flourish

Thanks for your help

I understand you are still raw over your break up, but please consider your future with regards to your kids. Keep an amenable relationship with your ex somehow to make it easier for them and please let them know every single day that you love them like crazy and will always be around.

Hi the seprated wife is dating this last year or more; even we are still married,but she wants to social with the boy friend, and that means i stay with the kids,friday to sunday this is most weekends for the best part of this last year,but i cant vist from monday to thursday,she does not text ring etc to see how i am unless what time i am visting on friday also,if the kids have an appointmentu dont know about it until it is over or she cant be at home and i have to take half day from work when i do find out and ask her how did the appointnent went i get 'fine"that is that. And of course she tells her mother sister etc about what i did or what i did not do.