Keep quiet until after scan?

[bebees]

Hi everyone! I had a horrible situation last week at a family bbq! One of my DD'S auntie's has recently found she is pregnant and so has obviously not yet had a scan as she's not yet 12wks. She totally agreed that our 4.5 and 2.5yrs kids should not know about the pregnancy until after her (hopefully good!) scan.

However, their nanny and grandma had other ideas - nanny walking DD1 up to said auntie, saying she "has something to ask you!" at which point DD1 (clearly prompted by her nanny!) asked if her auntie had a baby in her tummy! Cue incredibly awkward silence broken by me telling DD1 to "wait and see". Nanny then stormed off indoors as her moment had been ruined! I tried to explain to grandma (and nanny on her return) why I wanted to shield the children from the news until after a positive scan but they did not get it at all! Apparently I was just being negative and "the baby's growing, it's there" I know people whose scans have been awful but they just seem to think they're done for fun!! Also I've had 3 miscarriages in the last year - each time I found I was pregnant I would have loved to tell my children they were going to have a baby brother or sister but each time I was glad I hadn't!! I don't want to have to explain to my tiny children about unborn babies dying!!

I'm sorry to hear of your miscarriages

I don't think anyone has the right to disregard the parent's wishes whatever their choice. Nanny & Grandma need to wind it in.

But people feel differently about telling in general - some people don't want to say anything for the reasons you have outlined.
Others, and I feel there is a good argument to be made here, feel that pregnancy loss is a sad not shameful or otherwise taboo subject (although can trigger personal feelings of inadequacy which I struggled with) and actually it is common. If it is going to happen then you have more people to lean on.
Some people have a strange 'anti jinx' sort of denial of mc in general so announce it before the piss has dried on the stick.

As to explaining to dc - there are going to be answers from every point on the spectrum.
Personally I explain everything natural to mine in an age appropriate way. Again though it's really not up to anyone else to overrule a parenting decision by imparting unnecessary info which may put you in that position. It's not necessary for a small child to know about an early pregnancy and they don't really care
There are always circumstances though, I had to explain to my dc that the baby had died and wouldn't be born a month after my scan and announcement. If you prefer not to have to do it until it's a situation like that then that's your choice. I think it's part of life and part of reproduction, it's my choice to explain as these things come up, it works for us.
It's all about respect for other people really - I strongly feel there is a special circle of hell reserved for people who deliberately contradict and undermine, doing something against another's wishes simply to try and prove they know better and are right.
If grandma/nanny can't be trusted then they won't get told anything else, quite easy to grasp consequences!

I'm sorry to hear of your loss too!! :-( I totally agree that pregnancy loss is not shameful and shouldn't be a taboo subject!! The stats do go down alot after 12wks which is why I'm keen to wait until then and a good scan to tell the kids another cousin is on the way! - obviously there's never any guarantee - at 20 wk scan one friend had horrendous news :-( Weirdly, my other SIL (who is now 6 months pregnant and all looking good) suffered some miscarriages herself in the last year. Our MIL (nanny!) knows - we speak to her about it but not each other - how weird is that??!!

It's also the length of time for a young child. I didn't tell my kids until I was nearly 20 weeks and they still feel like it's been forever and forever until the baby comes.

As for before 12 weeks, I only told people that I would want to tell if I had miscarried. There wouldn't be any children on that list!!

Agree totally with purple.
I am currently 9 w PG, and have RMC history. I would live to tell DS (11), but daren't. It's awful, as I'm sure he has guessed...
At 2.5 and 4.5 I would probably wait until much later, if only for your own sanity, as IME small children struggle with the timescale.
Nanny and granny should but out, how rude and inconsiderate of them.