When does the chaos end?

[Thenightwillalwayswin]

My DS2 is 10 weeks old. DS1 died at four days old, so this is all new to me. I still feel like everything is a bit out of control, and that our lives are a bit chaotic, with no structure. I feel like I'm only just keeping our heads above water. I don't know if DS2 should have more of a 'routine' at this stage. He's very windy and colicky, and loves cuddles!

It's very difficult to get him to sleep in his basket in the day (but he does at night). During the day, he's only seems to sleep for any length of time when we are out in the pram or on me (as he is at the moment). So I can get him to sleep, but I don't get any time to sort out the house or catch up on sleep. As a result I feel like everything is chaotic. I feel lucky if I get five minutes to sterilise his bottles (usually when I put him on his playmat which he loves). On an evening, it can take us over two hours to get him settled to sleep, so a lot of the time we are not having proper meals. How does anyone cook when they won't sleep?! (He doesn't like his bouncer seat)

I've tried a sling, and thought this was the answer...but he seems to have gone off it and screams when I put him in it. Both families live a long way away, they are being great though and making lots of effort to come down and are a massive help when they come....but obviously they aren't here all the time and I usually use any spare moments when they are here catching up on sleep. I'm already getting stressed that I haven't started looking for a nursery, but I just don't get enough time in the day. DH is also great, but he works full time. He helps so much, even on a night but I don't want to put any more burdens on him.

Should there been more structure in our day? How much should DS be sleeping? Should I just relax and give into the chaos? (We only moved into our house when I was 8 months pregnant so still have loads of unpacked boxes....and tons of decorating and sorting to do). When does it get a bit easier? (E.g knowing you will have a hour or two while they nap to get stuff sorted). Sorry for the long post!

Congratulations. When mine was 10 weeks things were exactly as you describe. Chaos! It was the housework and cooking that really got me down. In hindsight I wish I'd been more blunt with visitors and given them specific tasks - I will next time for sure. Would you get a cleaner in for just a few weeks? Anyone who's done it swears by for these early weeks.

To answer your question, mine started to do longish naps around 6 months. It was all a bit mad until then but it did go by so quickly. Hang in there.

If you know family are coming ask them to bring food for the freezer. They'll probably be happy to!

My PFB is 9 weeks and we don't have a routine either - I'm baby led with the exception of the bedtime routine (bath, massage, pjs, feeding starting from 7) but that's only been going a week, before that we were freestyling bedtime too.

Just look out for your baby's hunger and tiredness cues and respond accordingly.

I don't think there is a set "right" amount of sleep for babies but I got some very good advice on here recently about not keeping him up for too long and making him overtired. I was waiting for tiredness cues (he seemingly has none!) and he was staying awake for 4+ hours and becoming unmanageable. Now I've worked out what his ideal "window of wakefulness" is and I start to settle him down by quietening down and gently rocking him 15 minutes before. He usually goes off to sleep quite well.

For your first baby at least I don't see the point of bring chained to a routine - just enjoy your baby and your mat leave and save the routines for when you have school runs etc to factor in.

Congratulations!
I take a two-fold approach, especially in the first few months.. embrace chaos, let go of expectations - and invest in a good wrap and find the best way to tie it. I know you said you already tried slings, what did you try?
It does eventually settle down a bit. You are still the centre and everything in his little world and he still doesn't quite realise that he's his own person. My husband put it nicely when DD was born five months ago and his mother gave us the you are spoiling her speech "she must feel so lonely now after ten months of warmth, white noise and familiar sounds and being held tightly, we can't expect her to sleep on her own in silence."

Have you tried looking for the cause of the crying? Cutting out dairy and or wheat often helps. A cranial osteopath helped us hugely.

Be kind to yourself.

Thanks! We are baby led too, but think we need to at least introduce more routine into his night routine (instead of waiting for him to get hungry sometime between 6 to 8!) Glad I'm not the only way for whom things are chaotic. Sounds like I do just need to give into it (not easy when you love structure as I do!) I'm still not great at 'reading' DS2 (he doesn't tend to give lots of signs, and will go from being happy to hungry/overtired/annoyed in about two seconds!) I do try to put him down if he's gone longer than two hours without a nap, but that ends up being a battle (unless we go out in the pram....) and we both get upset!

We are using a Caboo sling. Spoke to the GP about the crying, but she just put it down to colic. Seeing the HV tomorrow. He is often sick after a feed, so could be reflux (although he's not in pain when he's sick). Sadly he's bottle fed so presuming it's not a dairy thing (my milk never came in and DS2 had a 'poor' suck as he was a little prem. We persevered with expressing for 6.5 weeks but doing that every two hours on top of feeding was killing me, we reduced the expressing but then didn't get enough milk to make it worth while. Even our BF Midwife told us we had to be 'pragmatic'.)

My LO (now 9 wks) would only sleep on me or out in the pram, I started taking her for a walk in the carry cot for every nap. She gets tired after an hour first thing, then more like 90mins the rest of the day. This would get her to sleep, and she would stay asleep after I wheeled her home and into the hall. She is falling asleep more quickly now (a week in), and I hope to be able to reduce it to a quick rock eventually. I can also resettle her with a rock mid nap sometimes.

Even if this only gives you 20mins after you get home for now, enough to grab a sandwich.

What really helped me in the early days was to get DH to make me breakfast before he went to work.

At least then is be fed too. Also have picky food in the fridge in case you don't have time to make a proper lunch.

Infacol before feeds and you could try gripe water.

Just go with it and don't worry about the house as hard as that seems.

Could you focus on getting one room sorted so that you have somewhere to retreat to when it all gets too much?

Congrats on your new wee one and your new house and and for ds1. X

And yy to getting out every day.

Fresh air essential for both of you.

Firstly, im so sorry to hear about your DS1

Everything you describe sounds exactly what we went through, even the colic. In our case this did turn out to be down to a cows milk allergy, so thats worth investigating if you are concerned. I dont agree with colic having no cause, just that often we dont find tge cause so give it that label.
Regardless, everything is usually a phase. My dd is.now 4-5 mths and it is a million times easier. I think both you and the baby change abd get used to eachother abd your new world together.
Take it easy, accept help, youre doinv great! You are past the hardest first few weeks x

Thanks for all the helpful advice, going to try it all. We are on the Infracol already, and trying to make sure we get out at least once a day (so much easier when sunny!) x

No advice, just feeling very much the same with my DS who is 8 weeks. Used to having a fairly busy life where I achieved a lot each day, am enjoying a slower pace but the lack of achieving anything (sometimes just eating or washing up!) is hard. So much of what you said is exactly how it is for us right now, it's nice to know it's not just us! Everyone keeps saying it gets easier... Hopefully soon!!!

Btw it got much easier when Dd settled a bit more at 12 weeks.

On reflection I think the colic was really overstimulation and tiredness.

She started sleeping through at 12 weeks and stopped napping but that's a whole other thread

I'm feeling so much better, just knowing I'm not alone/totally rubbish! Trooperslane , I won't ask about the sleeping!

If the pram works use it - all mine had most of their day time naps in it - sometimes I never left the house just put them in the hall and moved it a bit!

You will become very adept at cooking one handed - I felt like I had a child on the hip for ages.

I know it seems like things will be like this forever but it will pass.