Do you disagree with your parents on how to best parent your children?

[moomin35]

I'm pregnant with my first child and already my parents are laying down the law on how best children should be bought up. They mean well I guess but it just seems so premature even before my baby is born to be telling me and also I strongly disagree with some of their opinions. Do you experience this and how do you deal with it?

I must give quite a strong mind your own business vibe as my parents and in laws both know better than to give unsolicited parenting advice!

You deal with it by letting them know that although it entitled to their opinion they have had their chance to raise children and will not be having a say in how your child is raised.

Have confidence in your own capabilities as a mum and you willbe able to brush off all this "helpful" advice

I agree with the above post, I go by his my baby and you may not agree with me but this is how we are doing it. Any one who can't play by our rules get micro managed when spending time with DS :)

My parents are good. However if they suggest something I don't like I just say thank you but I would like to do x

My in-laws like to have a say in how we parent, and they don't easily drop things. MIL mentioned only last week how easy it would have been for us if we had a playpen although our DS is now 3...

At the moment, I am trying to think of ways to turn the comments around...

E.g. that's great he behaved so well with you guys, maybe some of what DH and I have been saying is finally rubbing off.

When my parents give advice I just say "I'll keep that in mind". It drives them nuts because it cuts off room for debate, but still acknowledges what they said. :)

Actually, they're not that bad about it. But she's a baby, there's not much you can really differ from parent to parent when it comes to babies. Change their diapers, feed them, respond to their cries. Behavior issues and discipline seem to be drastically different from parent to parent though. Every child is different and needs a unique approach.

My child, my (and DH's) rules. This is their grandbaby. She is there for them to spoil and love. She is not their second chance at parenting to do things right.

My mum is great, really supportive, constantly tells us what a great job we're doing and that DD is a credit to us. We did clash briefly over DD not being potty trained yet, but when I explained that she was making unhappy by putting me under pressure to do something I didn't feel DD was ready for, she apologised profusely, said to ignore her as it was just her repeating her own DM's daft prejudices, and hasn't mentioned it since. Otherwise, she only ever offers advice if asked, and doesn't get offended if you don't take it.

My FIL and his DW are far too polite to pass comment, though I'm sure they are baffled by some of what we do - BLW, for example, or my still breastfeeding DD at two.

My MIL and her horrible husband seem to think we're doing every tin wrong and tell us so at every available opportunity - therefore we have greatly reduced their opportunities.

My parents regularly disagree with me about parenting, until I remind them that they managed to raise three genius minimum wage workers.

I am so lucky with the Grandparents, my DM and DD were never told how to raise us, so have never offered an opinion, and the inlaws are just so lovely and polite they'd never say anything to our faces. In fact it's been quite hard to get advice from them!

"She is not their second chance at parenting to do things right."

I like that, although I guess in our case, they're not looking for a chance to right any wrongs, more a chance to repeat everything they did before whether it would be right for us or not, or whether times have changed or not. It's almost like to do different is an insult to them. But 30 years later, how would our decisions ever be the same..?

I think the hardest part of saying no to their ideas is to do it without hurting them with my DM and MIL they both mean well want to help me and love DS dearly so it's hard. I try to say oh we'll try that (then don't) then the following day/week say it's not working for DS otherwise I just go for hmmm ok I'll see.

Every parent is touchy about how they bring their kids up and I think GP still feel touchy even though their child is grown up. You need to keep in your mind they are trying to help (unless they are terrible people).

oh yes.

smile and nod

I have a great relationship with my own parents - my ma will offer (good) advice whenever I ask and occasionally, unsolicited when she really thinks I need it - but she does it gently and backs right off if I don't want it. She even has the grace not to say "I told you so" when I inevitably crawl back and say "yeah, you were right"

I had a couple of awkward moments with my DPIL soon after DS1 was born - he was my PFB and their PFG so understandably, we all had a lot of pent-up parenting and grandparenting to take out on him and a fair few boundaries to figure out! I remember one particular occasion when I was unhappy with something DFIL was doing with him, so I challenged it - unfortunately, what I saw as positively engaging with DFIL and asserting reasonable boundaries, he referred to rather nastily as "you putting me in my place"

It blew over, though, and we have worked things out through the years. There isn't much we disagree on and where we do, I let DH take the lead and he is excellent at talking to DPIL about things in a way that makes our feelings clear but does not damage relationships. It's a little trickier as DPIL have DS1 overnight regularly, so there has to be a certain element of "their house, their rules". Occasionally something rankles with me (eg when we visited once and DS was wearing a t shirt that was not to MIL's liking, so she made him change into one she had ready for him) but I bite my tongue unless it's something really important - it only arises because they love him to bits, love spending time with him and always want the very best for him. I'd be an utter fool ever to pour cold water over that for the sake of a t shirt.

Completely disagree with my DM's ideas on how to parent children! It's a tricky one because she is very (over)sensitive and would take a criticism of her opinions as a criticism of the way she brought my db and I up. And I do have a lot of issues with some of the ways we were brought up that really weren't good, but the past is past and I don't want to open a massive can of worms, I'd rather deal with it on my own. So I tend to make non-commital noises or slightly change the subject when she offers un-asked for and dreadful advice. The exception to which was when she took it upon herself to shout at ds1 when we were visiting, just because he climbed on the arm of one of her armchairs - hardly a crime, given that we aren't particularly precious about climbing on sofas at home, and inappropriate of her to take it upon herself to speak to him like that. After seeing my face (horror, shock, fury) she then didn't apologise, just said "oh you mustn't mind my telling him off". Umm yes I do and don't you dare shout at him again!! Good luck with your relatives, I would try saying now "thanks very much, but we'd really like to see how we go by ourselves and we'll ask for any advice if we need it". Ie. "butt out!" but slightly more polite.

My Mum agrees with a lot of my parenting (one thing she wouldn't so she doesn't know because I don't want to have to disagree with her) but my MIL has different parenting ideas, she suggests things and I just smile but don't pay any attention as she means well.

Oh yes, definitely. My parents seem to think that DH and I are completely inept, and constantly offer their advice on what to do - some of which is blatantly obvious and some of which goes completely against the advice of the NHS! When I inform them of the latter, they get very defensive and say, "We didn't do that in my day."

I have to admit I don't help the situation by being fairly touchy about the advice they give. My mum told me during an early cluster feeding period that baby was looking fat and that fat cells are harder to lose when they're older so I should try restricting baby's feeds. I went postal and told her about EBF babies not really being able to overfeed while b*hing to DH - "She's less than a month old, for chrissakes!" On reflection, I realised it probably wasn't fair to react so strongly to an offhand comment - she used to tell me I was fat when I was a girl and I probably carried a little bit of resentment over into adulthood.

Now I just smile and nod.

I'm glad I'm not the only one!! I don't know whether to say upfront that their comments to date have annoyed me and I don't want any going forwards or whether to suck it up for now and deal with it as and when they inevitably blurt them out once baby is here

Lol Trollsworth!!!

Yes they do and so does my MIL. Its taken several years for me to be able to let it wash all over me instead of wanting to shove a stuffed toy into their mouths every time they start!

When I first had DD (now 5) DM tried to lay down the law with how/when I should be feeding her (bottle, every four hours etc), how often I should change her, how I should leave her to cry.....the list goes on. I breastfed for six week ('God, does she need feeding again?! You feed MiniDessert too much' etc), changed her when she needed it ('you are going to make her sore by doing that'), and picked her up when she wanted me to ('you are going to turn her into a spoilt brat, you know'). Needless to say, DM visits were short in those days. By the time DS (now 3) arrived, I'd become immune to her nagging and let it wash over me. My children are perfect if I do say so myself and now if she gives me her opinion, I nod and agree. We recently had a big row because she kept giving the children sugary treats behind my back, and then complaining about their behaviour when they crashed!

OTOH, and to my great surprise, my DF and IL's offered advice only when asked. They were happy to just be GP's.

This is YOUR baby. It is your decision how you raise LO and it depends what works for your family. Guidelines change every year and a lot of things done 'in those days' are unthinkable now. Be led by your instinct and the health professionals.

Practise the 'nod and agree'. It will be your best friend.
Congrats on your pregnancy.

I'm not the 'nod and agree' type. I have a reputation for being formidable and argumentative and neither set of grandparents dares to breathe a word, which is just how I like it.

My ILs have been staying, and though they are generally very sweet, we had to have a word about (a) their habit of telling our two year old that if he wasn't good that man/policeman over there would take him away and he wouldn't be seen any more and (b) that dummies are only for babies, and he's a big boy now and too old for his (he only has it for bedtime, which I have no problem with).

I think a lot of it stems from selective memory about their own parenting. Was discussing this with friends the other day and many of us have had comments about our parenting from the grandparents that simply do not add up to reality eg you NEVER would have dared have a tantrum like that (at age 2) or you ALWAYS slept for two perfectly times naps etc stuff that cannot possibly be true. I agree that the vague "mmm" and "we find this works" is the best way to deal with it.

My mum drives me nuts with insisting I am doing it all wrong and in her day it was done X way or y way. I have been ignoring her up to when my daughter was poorly and i was so tired and stressed I snapped and lost my temper with her. It was awful! I highly recommend having a quiet conversation with your mum now before you get to breaking point

I had a lot of raised eyebrows when I conceded defeat with velcro DS and carried him everywhere when he was really little. Turned out out he had reflux so no wonder he didn't like to be put down on his back and it was nothing to do with him understanding crying = getting picked up.

When we finally started getting somewhere with sleeping and we were adamant he had to be put down awake at all times and a strict bedtime. We had words on several occasions because Mum wanted to cuddle to sleep and couldn't understand the bedtime routine. Funny thing is she freely admits we were bad sleepers! DS has slept through since about 8mo and naps brilliantly now so we obviously did something right

I haven't had any conflicts - my MIL used to comment on how well behaved our DDs were and that 'modern methods' clearly worked as well as the way she used to do it - not a snidey comment, a genuine one. She was a lovely woman.

My own DM goes further - she looks at the DDs and how DH and I interact with them and tells me she wishes she had had as much patience with me and my Dsis. This despite the fact that we always considered her quite a sensible and laid-back parent. The only thing we disagreed on was breastfeeding - she couldn't do it, received no help at all (late '60s) and so was convinced that I would not be able to do it either so I should not try because it would only lead to heartache. When she saw me having buckets of milk and finding bf easy, she was pleased as anything.