Self esteem and how to boost it

[EllaBel]

I have been trawling the posts on here trying to find a similar concern to mine and I found one where a lady talked about her daughter of 9 with low self esteem and it rebounding at home. I think this may be what I am getting. My son is 7. He is apparently well liked at school, wants very much to be the centre of things (he is the eldest of 4) and tries to take the lead. He is bright and a sponge for reading and information but backs off things when they require effort to keep up with his class mates. He says his teachers don't like him which I translate as they are getting frustrated with his lack of effort and putting pressure on him to try harder (I can relate to this because homework is a massive effort with him and he is a dawdler in terms of getting ready for school, washing hands for supper etc). He makes me cross and I do shout. BUT.. clearly he is anxious and needs a vent. Clearly he is feeling the pressure and is backing off... Shouting at him is a sure-fire method of turning an irritating lack of response into a dramatic and emotional episode.
So he is the eldest, therefore conditioned to feel responsible...he is smart but not good under pressure, I want to trust him but I don't want to be played....
In some ways I feel a desperate urge to pull him out of school, release him from that pressure, let him learn in a different atmosphere, hold him close and reflect my love in every little thing we do, reassure him of my love and draw out his talents and interests so he continues to feel king of his castle.. BUT... on the other hand he must learn to try when it gets hard and not to give up because it doesn't come easy to him.

So, he comes home and vents his frustration and insecurity at me because this is the safest place and I respond by yelling and rejecting him.. dear lord what damage am I inflicting? Why is it so hard to be gentle with something so precious? You know that Philip Larkin poem 'they you up'... I can see myself doing it.

He says things I remember saying as a child 'Nobody likes me' 'I am not a nice person' 'I don't belong here'. Heartbreaking stuff. Now in my 30's I am coming to terms with those feeling myself, in a non-resentful but privately critical exploration of messages that I received from my parents as a child. I DO NOT WANT TO INFLICT FEELINGS OF SELF DOUBT AND LOW SELF ESTEEM ON MY SON.

Interested to hear what anyone has to say. I feel the cathartic value of writing it down and look forward to a new day tomorrow (9.15pm in the ME) to start afresh with a view to absorbing more of my darling boy's emotional blows... phew.

I had a pretty messed up childhood and can completely sympathise with the continual fear that you are somehow unwittingly going to perpetuate the cycle. But the truth is you are far more conscious of the effects of your parenting and actually far less likely to cause problems.

Firstly, have you had his sight and hearing checked and perhaps dyslexia assessment. If he's bright and frustrated it may be worth excluding these before assuming he's being lazy. Also, my DS, ought much younger, will back away from something pitched too high or if he fails to win/succeed immediately. Team sports are helping with the need to win all the time - he's slowly learning he can't!

May be worth him doing something in his spare time, ideally with you, that you both need to learn but without single competition. So something team based or just something fun. Perhaps a martial art might give him somewhere to blow off steam and learn control?

I'd speak to his teachers and find out why he's saying they don't like him. This needs to be addressed. He he feels this genuinely then he won't ask for help and won't learn.

Do you make sure he's not hungry after school? Meet him with a snack?

Obvious book to recommend is How to Talk if you haven't read it. Having had such a bad example in my own childhood, I've read most of he parenting books out there and suspect you've probably done the same.

I think being a good enough parent is actually ok so long as you love them and never stop trying to be the best you can be.

Thanks for that Theyaremysunshine. Food for thought and a really helpful response. Martial art was something I had thought of - I may pursue that one. and yes I guess I am going to have to speak to his teacher - i have never felt that it has been productive with his current teacher, I have spoken to her a few times and always feel as though I am being an awkward parent with a manipulative child.

The hunger thing is an interesting point too. He rarely eats his lunch even though it is varied and contains things he eats happily at home. I always take his input when it comes to what he takes in his lunchbox.

Oddly I don't feel as though I had a bad childhood, I've always thought it was perfect - only recently when I have chosen to deal with some of my own self esteem issues have I been forced to consider the impact of what was taught to me as a child. My parents were strict but loving and generous. Y

oops pressed share to soon.

Therein lies the dilemma of what it was that made me feel so insecure that I turned to my method of escape (bulimia). I actively try to parent like them (strict about manners, mealtimes, respecting others etc) so is it something in that that needs addressing?
Perhaps I need to back off... keep reinforcing the things that I think are important but just not FORCING them. Arghhhh.. thinking too much thinking too much thinking too much....

Also to note that I have dealt with my bulimia and have found peace with that 'habit' through clean eating and exercise and lessons in self-appreciation. I know all of these emotions and behaviours are absorbed by little ones, I guess my son may be a sponge for that too!

Hi EllaBel, I'm looking for similar answers to a similar issue. My childhood was 'perfect' but I seem to be failing at raising my own children. DS is 4 and I think I am causing him self esteem issues, I think DH and I have been too hard on him with expectations of behaviour and he is starting to suffer with esteem issues as a result, it feels like he is disengaging, sometimes I can see in his eyes that he feels like he can't do anything right and is just waiting for the stern words or the telling off. His behaviour at home and at (pre)school is deteriorating. He is only 4 but I feel like we've been overly strict with various things and this has damaged him already. I'm hoping that if I follow your thread that someone might be along with some tips on how to boost self esteem in a child, some things I can do to try and make this better before it's too late.