Am I a bad mum?

[Baiocca]

I always had a lovely relationship with my DD, who is 4-year-old. We used to do lots of fun things together, baking, arts and crafts, pretend play, going for walks etc. I really enjoyed spending time together and she has always been a good tempered girl, never had tantrums or terrible twos. Then three months ago I had my second baby and our relationship has changed for the worse. Not only the baby takes up most of my time and energy, but the continuous lifting of the car seat and pram has caused a flare up of my chronic backache so I am in pain most of the time. I am an older mum, maybe too old, all my joints cracks if I try to play down on the floor. I feel grumpy, tired, old and I have very little patience left. Little things like her fussing about putting her shoes on to go out make me snap at her, as I know that bending over to help her will hurt my back and the delay will mean the baby will start crying in the pushchair. I don't play with her anymore because I don't have time, i am in pain with my back, I can't think anything fun to do. To keep her occupied I take her to places like soft plays where she can have fun on her own without me having to do anything. Or let her watch tv for hours. I miss the time when it was just me and her and we could just go out to do fun things without having to worry about car seats and pushchairs to drag along and having to stop continuously for feeding baby for ages. Or do some baking without having to stop after 5 minutes because the baby is crying. Every night I tell myself how lucky I am to have two wonderful children and that next day I'll try to be a better mum, and everyday I fail. Is it normal to feel like this after having a second child?

Does she have any time away from you such as pre school or nursery?

I think what you need is time just you and her for an hour or so once or twice a week is there any way that could happen?

I understand how playing with her must be so hard in your circumstances, you're not a bad mum you're just struggling!

Don't worry. I agree with alita7 .you're just up to your eyes in it and things will improve, honest! The bonding process between them both will develop and you will regain the relationship you once had. Enjoy the little time you have. You can't go back but forward.

She goes to childcare so she has some entertainment. I spend a bit of time with her, often I read her stories at bed time and we both fall asleep together in the big bed having a cuddle, which is lovely. But we used to spend the whole day together playing and we both miss that. I think I need to get myself fit again (I am very overweight) and sort my back problems so I can be a bit more active but it is difficult to get for whilst spending 8+ hours a day sitting on the sofa feeding baby.

I remember being at a low ebb with ds at 3 months in. I can't imagine how tired I'd be at that point with 2. You're not a bad mum, just understandably low on resources at the moment. It'll get better. In time you'll be able to claw some me time back as well as time with dd1 once feeding & napping settles down.

Can you keep a box of books next to the sofa so that you can still read to her whilst you are feeding the baby?

Definitely get your health issues sorted though, I cam vouch for being pain free making things seem a lot better!!

Can you express some milk so that someone else couldhave the baby for a couple of hhours a week so you and your dd could have quality time together?

You're not a bad mum at all. I think your back pain has a lot to do with how you're feeling. Chronic pain is wearing, wearying and nags at you on a level that isn't always conscious. It's not just the actual pain, it's the fear of the pain and the fear of making it worse. It makes you anxious, short tempered and tense.

My DS1 is 23 months and DS2 is 11 weeks and with two c sections in two years, my core strength is knackered and my back problems are playing up too (agree that time slouched on the sofa feeding does no favours!). I've just had a posture assessment with a Pilates instructor a couple of weeks ago to get some exercises to try and help it and I'm at Slimming World to try and do something about my serious weight problem.

Maybe your daughter would enjoy doing a yoga or pilates DVD with you if you feel up to it?

I've found our local RSPB reserve is a lifesaver - as a member it's much cheaper than paying every time we go, there's a great playground for DS1 (and sitting on the end of a slide is surprisingly comfortable for feeding DS2!) and a cafe for a cuppa. Also pond dipping, birdies and puddles to splash in! Bit of fresh air always makes me feel better, no matter how horrible the idea and logistics of getting there are

She does not want to read books or doing 'quiet' things during the day. She likes doing active things which requires energy like building a den or things like crafts/baking which requires patience and creativity. And at the moment I don't have any and that's why I feel bad. Even if somebody had my baby for half a day (which is difficult as he feeds every two hours so cant really express much in between) I would not feel like doing any of these things. We go places together, the park, children activities etc but it is not interacting and playing together, it's just taking her places where she'll be entertained and I'll be busy with baby.

Then I think your only option is to get your health issues sorted and fairly quickly!!

I do synapthise, I have a knackered shoulder due to a severely damaged rotator cuff muscle and ended upnwith horrific spd when pregnant which stillness it's momenta 9 months in and trying to keep my dsc's entertained when I could barely move and had a newborn was truly horrid. We went from a very active family on contact weekends to holed up watching a lot of Disney films! It does get better once you get sorted with the pain.

Has your daughter said anything or her behaviour changed to make you worry or is it more that you are feeling guilty?

She has slightly changed in that sometimes she does not listen or she does not do as she is told, she moans more and sometimes does silly things just to catch our attention. It's not much in terms of bad behaviour but she used to be a little angel. I do explain her that I don't do certain things because my back hurt or I am too tired and I think she understand. But I do feel guilty, sometimes I look younger parents and I am envious if their energy and fitness while I feel like a grandmum.

I think you look at older DC differently when you have a new baby - they're not the any anymore; suddenly they're the older one and we place more responsibility onto them.

Also my DD1 was an absolute angel... Then when she was about 2 and started to notice that she had a baby sister (born when she was 19 months), she started being attention seeking and silly.

I think people are right about the pain skewing your way of thinking - everything is worse when you're ill.

Try not to feel too guilty right now - how much do you remember of being 4? Plus, in a few months your DS will suddenly become much more interesting for your DD and they can play together. I found 2 DC easier than 1 for this reason!

They're not the baby*

the changes could just be her age, they start testing boundaries at 2 and the fact you are exhausted could be exacerbating the feelings for you both. I know that when dd has had a horrendous night i am incredibly short and over sensitive to dsc's behaviour.

if she is used to being active, try and involve her. s he is old enough to help you change a nappy - let her wipe baby's bum, do up the tabs on the new nappy...get her some jigsaws that she can do on the floor (charity shops are ace for them) then you can engage and 'play' with her from the sofa while feeding by navigating her towards the pieces she needs.

what about singing nursery rhymes? she will enjoy it especially if there are actions and you will find it soothes the baby too - row row your boat can calm my dd in an instant regardless of how stressed and screamy she is.

She got tons of toys including plenty of jigsaws. She used to like them when she was 2-3 but now she is not interested anymore. I have tried to involve her in the nappy changes but she does not want to do those either. If we are at home she just want to watch tv all day, she goes to her bed straight to the sofa! Once I set up all the arts and craft and colouring stuff next to me do she could play while I fed. She only played 5 minutes. I did not bother anymore. I can only convince her to switch off the tv to play the things she likes, which are the ones I can't be bothered to as they take too much effort. Even going out takes lots of convincing, although she enjoys it after we are out of the door, and sometimes I just give up the whole idea of going out because I can't be bothered fighting over her putting her shoes on, not wanting to go upstairs to get changed etc. I have been tossing and turning all night with my sciatica last night, I think I'll go to gp to see if they can do anything for me although I know ready that the cure is loose two stones, do my exercises, don't spend 8 hours sitting on the sofa feeding baby, having some rest.