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Original poster

Grandparents' favouritism

13 replies

Notsoyummymummy1 · 10/05/2014 22:00

DD is 2 and has a cousin the same age - dh's sister's daughter Sophie. DH's sister is living temporarily with my inlaws and they do a huge amount of childminding for her. As a consequence they are much closer to Sophie than to dd.

I have accepted this is inevitably the case but their favouritism towards Sophie is becoming a constant irritation. Sophie is very loud and boisterous and they seem to feel irritated by DD's shyness telling her "SOPHIE always gives us a cuddle!" when dd is hesitant around them. Whatever DD does it's always compared to Soohie who always does it better. If Sophie pushes dd around they just laugh and it's left to me to tell her off. I feel tense whenever I'm around them and I'm ashamed to say I find myself wishing dd was more outgoing so they would accept her more. I do stick up for her but it doesn't seem to make any difference. They are now teasing her because she isn't potty trained yet and Sophie is. Sometimes I feel like crying when I see her confused little expression when they're going on.

Why does this bother me so much and how am I meant to deal with it?

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Roseformeplease · 10/05/2014 22:01

Stay away from them. They sound horrible. What does your DH say to their preference?

hotcrosshunny · 10/05/2014 22:02

First of all is Sophie her real name? If so then I suggest you get that taken out of the post.

And if the ILs are like that then I wouldn't see them. Or pull them to one side (better still tell your dh to do it) and tell them not to.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 10/05/2014 22:05

I was 'Sophie' and my cousin brings it up now 30 years on. My aunt hated me for it , when it wasn't my fault. My dgm was slightly aware of it and watched her self but my grandad didn't care. Carried a picture of me in his wallet.

I would talk to the grandparents and just ask them to not compare so much as you don't want a divide between them .

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Theyaremysunshine · 10/05/2014 22:07

It should bother you. It's completely unacceptable, especially the potty training comment.

Your DH should be taking them aside and making it clear that they are being very obvious in their favouritism and it must stop and any derogatory comments, such as lack of potty training, are completely unacceptable and it would be a shame if you had to stop visiting them.

She's too young to remember this yet but she won't be for long. Nip this in the bud but it has to be your DH not you, or it'll lead to all sorts of trouble.

Original poster

Notsoyummymummy1 · 10/05/2014 22:11

Roseformeplease staying away from them is not an option unfortunately plus I adored my grandparents so I've always felt it was important that dd has a relationship with hers I just want it to be a better one. They're not going to go away so I need a way of dealing with it I guess. DH doesn't really see it - he tends to be at work when they come over but he does snap at them on the rare occasions when he witnesses it.

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Original poster

Notsoyummymummy1 · 10/05/2014 22:12

hotcrosshunny - don't worry Sophie is not her real name I just made a name up to make it easier to word the post.

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Notsoyummymummy1 · 10/05/2014 22:18

softly softly that's a really interesting perspective. I've always adored Sophie, she's a sweet niece and really affectionate but I have found myself almost resenting her achievements which is ludicrous because she's a small child! I guess I just feel instinctively protective of dd but I will definitely be aware of that for the future. If I get competitive then I'm just as bad as them.

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PuntCuffin · 10/05/2014 22:27

I feel for your DD. My parents favour my brothers daughters over my sons. I no longer take my sons to see them as I can't stomach the comparisons - my boys are too noisy, too wild, too boisterous, the girls are such lovely placid children

If they want to see their grandsons, they have to come to us as my parents tend to behave better off theirbown territory. It does not happen often - 2-3 times a year. We live under 20 miles away.

TheBookofRuth · 10/05/2014 22:42

I have no advice, just sympathy. My SIL seems determined to ensure her DD is her parents' favourite over mine. I can't say I'm too bothered, as DD has a doting grandma in my mum, and frankly the less I have to see of my MIL the better. But it's a shame as my niece is a sweet little thing and I think the girls would be good friends given the chance.

Original poster

Notsoyummymummy1 · 10/05/2014 23:11

Thanks for your sympathy all. It's a shame though that other grandparents also behave this way. I get so annoyed though - the other day the two girls were running and Sophie fell over trying to keep up with dd so I told dd to slow down as poor Sophie was upset as she'd grazed her knee. When fil heard they'd been running he said "I bet Sophie was the fastest!" I mean why assume that and why say it? Who cares who the fastest was?!! Grrrrrr!

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alita7 · 10/05/2014 23:40

What a horrible way to be to children, especially the potty training stuff! It's like they're trying to start a rift.
I'm sorry but they must be aware of what they are saying if it's that bad!
My mum's sister (their youngest out of 7) seems to be the favourite child - despite the fact that my mum lives close by and does anything she can to help my grandparents and her sister who lives about 45 minutes away from them barely ever helps, yet if she helps she's amazing and if something needs doing my grans response is oh its ok alitas mum will do it... anyway my aunt has lots of sons and they are perfect apparently and growing up 1 of them was my brothers age and 1 2 years younger and db was always getting told off by my gran even if it was our cousins causing the problem, at one point my mum was fed of seeing my gran because she'd literally spend ages talking about my cousins and if mum tried to mention us she'd change the subject back or talk over her... so I think it's quite common for grandparents to favouritise!
I would be struggling not to say something, when we were at dinner once with my gran I ended up snapping at her because she was being horrible to db for not doing well in cross country... It didn't go down well as I was still a teen - so I know I'd be making sarcastic comments back and all sorts and would end up blowing up if I didn't have a chat about it.

MiaowTheCat · 11/05/2014 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UniS · 11/05/2014 16:48

if your mil is like mine this favoritism for sophie will only last until there is a significantly younger cuter GC to fawn over instead. DS was compared to his six month older cousin until they were 3 when a new cute model was introduced and both 3 year olds were relegated to the role of noisy big kids. Along with all the other older cousins who had been favourite in their day.

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