I'm so upset I gave my son a black eye

[Stopandtop]

I'm prepared for the slating I'm about to get for this and I know I deserve it, I'm devastated.

I had booked tickets to go to a theme park today and my eldest DS refused to get dressed. This is an ongoing issue and we have often had to cancel days out because of his behaviour. I got really cross and told him if he wasn't going to get dressed then he could stay inside all day and tidy his room (it's a disgrace).

He was sat on the stairs and he had left his book bag and contents strewn over the floor. I have been asking him to tidy it up all week (I refused out of principle to pick it up during the week as this is another issue where he is defiant and refuses to tidy anything off the floor). Anyway, I picked up some papers and a paperback reading book and threw it up the stairs towards him (whilst telling him to put it away) and the book hit his face and he now has a small bruise under his eye. I know I was completely in the wrong for throwing it but I honestly didn't mean for it to hit him, I was aiming for the top of the stairs where his bedroom is.

I apologised straight away and he eventually got dressed and we all had a lovely day out.

Tonight his dad rang and my son told him what had happened. He went mad with me (which I deserved) but is now threatening to tell social services and that he doesn't believe it's an accident. His dad rarely sees our 3 DC, doesn't pay maintenance and and never offers me any help. He actually gave my DS a black eye once when assaulting me (which he was convicted for and I subsequently left him over).

I feel so horribly guilty and I'm scared what social services will do. I'm not coping at all with his behaviour and I have been trying to get help for 4 years as witnessing previous DV has made him impossible at times to parent. I did lose my temper today and I know I'm setting a horrible example to my DC by throwing things, I'm just at my wits end with doing it all alone with constant defiance and fighting, sarcastic comments and rudeness from my eldest DS.

Shall I ring SS and explain what happened? I know school will have to report this anyway when he goes in on Monday. I feel like the worst mother in the world right now and maybe it's better for them to take him away

And before anyone asks, I have never done anything to warrant his dad to think it wasn't an accident. I have never hurt any of my DC and he knows I never would. I feel like he just enjoys upsetting me.

We have a saying in our house "accidents happen"

I would also remind him of this the next time he won't pick up his stuff.

In our house, DH will put up with the mess for a short while, then bin it.

You sound as though you have just had a bucketful of it all - and i m sure most of us have been in exactly your shoes. I certainly have.
It was an accident - you didnt punch him, you threw some things up the stairs and it caught his eye. Your thread heading sounds like you hit him on purpose and you didnt so stop feeling like you are the worst mother in the world. You are NOT!!!!!
You also took them all out for the day and had a lovely time - focus on that.
You cant police what his dad does with the information - you can only tell your side and let others decide what they think.
I am on my own with my dc and I know how beyond stressful it can be.
You dont have to put up the your ds "constant defiance and fighting, sarcastic comments and rudeness" so let him know that it stops and its your house and your rules.
I have put up with waaaay too much because of feeling the guilt that my dc now come from a "broken home" when actually as I have been told quite clearly by my family members I am doing as good a job as i can giving them a stable, warm loving home, food aplenty and the safety a lot of children dont have. Sounds like you are trying as hard as you can too.

It was an accident, nothing more. Your not a bad mum

His dad is just trying to get the moral high ground after what he did to you.

You have done nothing wrong at all. Please believe that

Don't ring SS.

His dad won't. If he does just tell them what you said here. And that his dad assaulted you before.

Thanks everyone. I have anxiety and tend to catastrophise everything. You are right misshoolie, I over compensate for 'breaking' up the family and I let a lot of my DS's behaviour slide and try to pick my battles. This clearly isn't working.

I guess I feel so bad because I did throw it in anger and I really feel on the edge of completely losing the plot, which is a scary

I'm so angry that his dad dares to question whether it was an accident when he hardly bothers with his DC. I work full time and juggle studying part time, whilst running the house and putting up with endless tantrums, fights and battles over the tiniest issues (like getting dressed) when I'm exhausted. He meanwhile sits back and almost enjoys watching me suffer. He makes no effort to see our DC, it is all arranged and facilitated through me and couldn't care less half the time how they are doing.

I'm more than happy to explain to SS what happened, I just feel on edge now as I don't know when the call will happen and it's another added stress I could really do without right now

Well you've done very well at the catastrophising :)

(I do it too, it's rubbish isnt it )

If it will help you to take control of the situation, you could phone ss yourself - not to tell them that youve hit your Ds, as that's not what's happened, but to tell them you're finding it hard to parent Ds at the moment and maybe they can send you on a parenting course. And also tell them about abusive ex and that he's threatening to make malicious complaints about you which strangely mirror his own conviction.

Or ask your gp.

You aren't to blame for an accident and a slight bruise. I'm wondering if you're teaching your child (by accident and the way you behwve towards yourself) that you are to blame and you aren't to be respected/ listened to - as they pick up on abusive relationships and dynamics and can react in all sorts of ways, especially boys when their dad is abusive towards their mum. Not blaming you AT ALL, but wondering if you need to work on self esteem and showing how worth while and valuable you are!

And maybe putting in place some protective boundaries between yourself and your ex.

He hit you, and your son was hit as well... And yet you speak on the phone and share things like this with him - why? You say it's like he 'almost enjoys watching you suffer'... Why the 'almost', he's clear he is still abusing you, and does absolutely want to see you suffering. Don't give him the opportunity, as he ll take it and some more besides.

I may be making a leap here but it seems to me that you have left the relationship but not the abuse? Its so so hard and to some extent you have to have some contact due to sharing parenting... But with support and learning you can protect yourself and stop him terrorizing you a bit more. After all, you are worth it ... And he, by the sounds of it, is not

OP now I'm worrying that my post reads like I'm blaming you - it's not meant to in the slightest!

• It's just it feels that you have some more to travel in terms of shaking free from abuse

• And also that you cannot change other people's behaviour, but you can change your own (& therefore change what you're willing to stand for, and the situations you stay in)

• and that you can't change the fact that your child's father is an abusive tw@t who will be effecting your son. What you have to do (unfortuneately) is try and balance out negative messages with some positive ones of your own and some role modelling of what you believe you are worth, your son is worth, women in general are worth, and how healthy relationships are.

It's not fair you have to counteract his negative messages, but it sounds like you're already doing a great job at role modelling with working and studying and being a good responsible reliable grown up

Why let your ex see your dc at all? He doesn't pay maintenance, he doesn't care about them - so what;'s the point? Save yourself some grief and cut all ties.

BTW you have done nothing wrong, OP -it was an accident. Maybe your ds will be more careful about tidying up his stuff from now on.

You've done nothing wrong. We've all done things along these lines. Children are annoying and hard work at times.

it's understandable, you didn't get angry and throw them at him you tried to throw things near him.

my mum threw a pesto jar at me once because I opened it... I wouldn't worry too much.

I doubt social will be bothered if your son agrees it was an accident.

It's ok misc, I didn't feel you were blaming me from your post. A lot of what you say rings true, my ex is still trying to be abusive. My DS has very little respect for me and blames me entirely for not living with his dad.

My ex favours eldest DS and DS is very aware of this and will manipulate both of us. He often tells a lot of lies to his dad (eg. I confiscated the Xbox for 'no reason at all' even though the real reason was that he hit his brother etc). His dad was on the phone once when I turned the Xbox off and DS started calling me an idiot repeatedly and throwing things which ex could clearly hear. Instead of pulling DS up on how he was behaving, he got into an argument with me about turning off the Xbox. I know this is reinforcing to my DS that his dad always tries to find blame on my part rather that what DS did to warrant punishment.

When DS told story to his dad I could hear ex asking if it was an accident and DS told him he didn't know. I know DS enjoys his dad's sympathy and likes to view me as a horrible ogre (he often tells me he hates me and won't let me show affection). I never ring ex, he rings DC once a week and it was my DS who told ex about today.

I think I have become so immune to ex's behaviour that I just allow contact to continue. I am seriously considering stopping all contact, although I'm worried how growing up without a father will affect DS's. I'm scared they will hate me for not letting them see their dad and I know my ex will spin it when they are older that it was all my fault.

They way you describe this incident it is no more than an accident. I don't think you should phone SS about either this incident or about you not coping with your son's behaviour.

Is there a local support group you could approach instead. Or maybe your GP could help, if only as a starting point with some suggestions?

You didn't break up the family.

Your ex did because he was violent towards you.

You did the right thing op. Especially since you have dc - you wbu to let them grow up thinking this was normal and right.

and for you x

How old are your Dcs?

Thanks trooper! I have been to the gp who referred my eldest DS to CAHMS and he was discharged with the suggestion I go to parenting classes. I have posted re this before (name changed) and all classes are during working hours which I can't attend. I have also mentioned DS's difficult behaviour to school (he is perfectly behaved at school) and they have a support worker there who he can have sessions with. DS told me he likes going to them as he gets out of class and the woman asks if he wants to talk or colour, he always picks colouring in! I know she is trying to build his trust by taking it slow but he has been to group counselling before and he refused to participate (he doesn't like talking about feelings). I feel he has ODD but most health professionals don't care about a child who is only naughty at home and doing well in school (he is very bright).

I have 3 DS aged 5,7 & 9 (nearly 10). DS aged 7 is being assessed for ADHD (long ongoing process not helped by CAHMS being rubbish). I can handle DS 7 behaviour though as although he is all over the place and throws tantrums, he always apologises and I know he doesn't mean to be naughty, it's like he's in his own little world but we have a great relationship and listens to me eventually. He was much younger when I left exh and has not seen as much as my eldest.

One on one time is impossible as I had to move away from my family for current job. Eldest DS pushes me away emotionally (since he was 6 yrs old) and we have a very strained relationship. He is very resentful of his younger brothers and often says I don't love him but I tell him everyday and always explain why he is being punished etc but he never seems to acknowledge he has done anything wrong and thinks I'm unfair (even when it's something obvious like hitting his brother).

I have thought he can sense my unease around him as he physically looks like his dad and has his temperament and personality. I try my best to reassure him that I love him the same but I'm obviously going to shout/punish him more when he's being naughty the majority of the time. I have tried love bombing too, he just speaks over me when I tell him nice things and says 'you don't mean that'. If I say I love him he replies straight away 'hate you'. This is even when we are getting on and doing something nice like playing a game he wants etc.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I feel defeated and exhausted. I never thought I would have such a poor relationship with my baby, I've loved him since the minute he was born but whatever I do isn't enough

I think you and your dc could do with some family therapy tbh. Relate do this, or you could ask your GP for a referral.

There are lots of online parenting courses, pop it in google, there's loads to choose from. Sorry I can't recommend one, but perhaps someone else has experience.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Of course you did the right thing leaving. You're being an amazing mum. You will feel stronger though if you learn some techniques, especially to help control your own feelings when the little rogues push your buttons. No one's perfect OP.