How to deal with (d)h spiteful insults towards DD when she is rude

[Jinglebellsarecoming]

So my husband has ways had a mean and spiteful way with words when he is cross. I deal with it when it is directed at me but don't know what to do when it is directed at DD, now aged 10.

So just a few minutes ago he came in from work, went to say goodnight to her and she was rude to him ( she is quite rude and difficult and I am working on this with her). He walks out if her bedroom calling her a spiteful little rat and then walks out into the garden

I have talked to him a number of times about how hurtful this is for her (and me) and how it could effect her self esteem which will make her more difficult. I have give him advice, examples, strategies, books on how to deal with it better. Never one tip being to walk away or ignore it but he disagrees. Thinks she is out to get him and deserves a slap. He has never actually hit her, just says it like it will solve things.

He has a pretty messed up childhood and so has no reference to fall back on.

I just don't know what to do to make him see he is the adult and how damaging this is.

Any advice greatly received and thank you Mumsnet for the space to rant.

Has he always been like this with you and your dd?

What was his childhood like? Was he physically abused? Was it mainly his mum or dad or both?

Lots of food for thought.

To the people who think I have somehow condoned DH's behaviour. I haven't and both he and DD know that I find it unacceptable and damaging . However I cant and don't want to parent them both, DD is and always will be my priority. However I believe I can help DH to help himself and I was looking for ways I could do that by starting this thread.

I am going to show DH some of the more useful and insightful comments on this thread to see if that can give him some insight.

I don't think you condone it. But you do tolerate it because it is still going on.
I would struggle in a relationship where my partner consistently behaved in a way that so negatively affected me, and my daughter, and refused to change it.

I think his willingness to accept it is poor behaviour and is damaging all your relationships is key.
I hope you get some positive responses from him. Good luck,

And the responses you don't consider to be most helpful and insightful....will you shield him from those ?

I think MrsKCastle gave excellent advice. Whatever behaviour he wishes to see from her, he needs to model it. A miracle is unlikely to happen and for her attitude to change overnight, but if he stoops to her level and acts like the child that she is, then he is certainly not going to see an improvement in her behaviour. All the nasty little comments he makes like that will be stored up in her mind and give her fuel and justification in her mind next time she feels like being rude. That was certainly the case for me, when my mum spoke to me like that at times in my teen years. Girls store up, remember and brood on things in a way that boys are perhaps less likely to. I certainly brooded on spiteful words said to me. He needs to nip his own childish responses in the bud now. A parenting course or even cognitive behavioural therapy might help him find ways of controlling the sharp responses before he utters them, and the anger that her rudeness creates in him. This really does need dealing with on his part.

A child is going to be rude and hostile if she sees her parents act that way towards each other. A child who sees her father being mean and spiteful to her mother is going to feel anger towards her father and contempt for her mother. A child who is also at the mercy of her father's spite is going to feel unprotected and will feel she needs to protect herself. Above all else, children need hoes that are safe places for them.

Your DD has only one childhood and it is almost over. She needs a parent who is able and willing to protect her, first and foremost. Your H needs to take responsibility for his own problems. You feel you are in the best position to help your H get over this but it has been going on for years and keeps on cropping up so clearly your approach is not working. You need to admit this and overcome your need to be some sort of ministering angel to him. Your comment that you will show him only those comments that you think are useful reveals that you are trying to protect him and choosing to pander to his sensibilities over the interests of your DD.

Even if you were a therapist or counsellor you could not deal with your H's issues.

homes not hoes...