Coincidentally, a friend sent me this, which might offer hope to some of those tussling with the sex of their children. It's very long, btw!
-----
All Girls, All Boys
The unique problems and joys of raising same-sex siblings.
by Linda Bernstein
I always approached the Brosnans' house with a certain reverence. Aside from Mrs. Brosnan, only boys lived there. Seven of them, in fact. Sure, I knew about boys; I had an older brother who played with Lionel trains and left his baseball bat and glove in the front hall. But while his male presence was balanced by the scattered flotsam and jetsam of two little girls, the Brosnan house was absolutely devoid of girl stuff. No dolls. No dresses. No sets of tiny flowered plastic dishes.
The atmosphere at the all-girl O'Malley house up the street was exactly the opposite. Yet, though the place had a more familiar feel (Joanne, Erica, and Patty were girls, like me), it was still nothing like my home. No shoe boxes of baseball cards or half-completed model airplanes sat on bookcase shelves. No brother who might bury your dolls in the backyard one day and then play hours of catch with you the next.
As it turns out, recent psychological studies confirm my childhood suspicion that all-of-one-kind families are different from those in which brothers and sisters grow up side-by-side. After studying 110 pairs of same-sex siblings over a 12-year period, Gene Brody, Ph.D., a child psychologist and professor of child and family development at the University of Georgia in Athens, has determined that sisters relate to sisters, and brothers to brothers, in special ways.
Same-sex siblings, Dr. Brody says, are "very caring and interested in what the other does; they tend to spend more time with each other and share more interests than opposite-sex siblings do." And, he continues, these traits become even more striking in families that have only girls or only boys.
THE SAME-SEX BOND
Observe sisters playing together, says Dr. Brody, and most often you will find them involved in noncompetitive activities. Whether sisters are engaging in a wild bout of tag or sitting down to play Candy Land, they care less about winning or losing than about the game itself. "Their attitude isn't 'I hope I beat you,' but 'let's do this together and have some fun,' " says Dr. Brody.
In contrast, brothers most often spend their time in competitive, physical activities. A race to the backyard swing set will end up in shouts of "I won." Two brothers may be sitting fairly quietly on the living room floor playing with superhero figures, but the plastic toys themselves are battling to the finish. Brothers fight more among themselves than sisters do, points out Victor Cicirelli, Ph.D., the author of Sibling Relationships Across the Life Span (Plenum Press). "They are more likely to use threats or hit one another than sisters are," he adds.
Although brothers may play roughly, that doesn't mean they don't like each other. "The ways they interact show a mixture of emotions," explains Dr. Brody. "They're competitive and aggressive, but still very caring about each other's feelings."
THE RIVALRY PARADOX
You may assume that sibling rivalry intensifies with the number of same-sex siblings in a household. Parents tend to compare children of the same sex, and more opportunities for comparison would seem to increase the chances of rivalry developing. Yet, says Dr. Brody, just the opposite appears to happen in most cases.
Sibling rivalries that develop among same-sex siblings are frequently less, not more, intense, says Dr. Brody.
Why might this be so? Janet R. Schultz, Ph.D., director of the Psychology Division at Children's Hospital Medical Center in Cincinnati, compares the cooperative efforts that take place in an all-of-one-kind family to the kind you find on a baseball team.
"Each same-sex sibling may be competing for the best individual batting average, but for every one of them, the most important goal is to work together for the good of the team," says Dr. Schultz.
"In all-of-one-kind families, there may be a greater sense that 'we're in this together,' " she adds. "To enhance cooperation, feelings of competition may be suppressed, and the ultimate effect is a strong sibling bond."
In fact, having all the kids on "the same team" has some undeniable advantages?mainly a lessening of household stress. If everyone in the family shares certain interests (something more likely to happen if all the kids happen to be the same sex, says Dr. Cicirelli), family outings are easier to plan, and there are fewer squabbles about "what to do now."
Same-sex siblings also seem to demand less individual attention from their parents. And, Dr. Schultz says, they may unconsciously feel they simply don't have to compete so much for Mom's or Dad's attention.
Parents aren't the only ones who stand to gain from all-of-one-kind-family dynamics. Though it doesn't seem to hold true for boys growing up without sisters, girls benefit from growing up without brothers. Parents without sons, points out Dr. Schultz, are more likely to encourage their daughters to excel in traditionally male areas of expertise, such as math and science.
TAKING ON THE CHALLENGES
Despite some advantages, parents of same-sex siblings also face unique problems. Here are some of the most common worries and advice on how to cope:
The Stranger-in-a-Strange-Land Syndrome
Without a child of the same gender in the house, some parents of the opposite sex feel inadequate or alienated, says Dr. Schultz. Normal puzzling over the ways of the other gender become compounded. These parents fear they will be increasingly isolated as their children grow older, or assume that not being able to identify means they won't be good parents.
Dr. Schultz refutes such notions. "Regardless of their sex, kids have a lot of the same feelings," she says. "And furthermore, there's plenty of evidence that shows just how important the parent of the opposite sex is to the child." Time spent with this parent broadens a child's view of the world.
The I-Must-Be-Missing-Out-on-Something Anxiety
Some moms who only have boys wonder if not having a daughter to bond with will leave a black hole in their lives. Some dads with only girls never give up longing for a son. In fact, population statistics show that parents with two children of the same sex are more likely to have a third than those with a girl and a boy.
Just wishing you had a son or a daughter to add to your same-sex brood doesn't mean you love your children any less, explains Dr. Schultz. While the longing never goes away for some parents, many become enthusiastic about their special situation.
The Compare-or-Pigeonhole Compulsion
"You're just like your brother!" "You're nothing like your brother!" Same- sex children are likely to hear these exclamations time and again. The world seems to assume that kids in all-of-one-kind families are made from the same mold. Parents, too, can fall into the trap of measuring one child's accomplishments against another's.
Other times, parents pigeonhole their same-sex kids. One child gets labeled "sensitive," while another becomes "the athlete." Even if the tag seems to fit, a child's development can be thwarted if she becomes stuck in a role. Instead of comparing siblings, Dr. Schultz advises parents to encourage each child to explore all aspects of his or her personality, and to focus on individual accomplishments.
The Getting-to-Know-the-Opposite-Sex Challenge
Old wives' tales abound about kids reared in all-of-one-kind families. For instance, boys in all-male families may be perceived as more conventionally masculine and less sensitive to women. This has no basis in fact, says Dr. Cicirelli, although some boys in this situation may be more mystified by girls. In the same way, some girls growing up without brothers may find boys somewhat baffling.
Make sure your children have a chance to spend time with the opposite sex. Invite girl cousins to spend the weekend with your sons, for instance, or encourage your daughters to include the boys on the block in their games.
The Do-We-Always-Have-to-Be-a-Team? Dilemma
Dr. Schultz says studies indicate that mothers of same-sex siblings tend to spend more time with the group and less time with each child alone. Parents need to keep in mind that kids in any family also need private doses of Mommy and Daddy, she says.
For better or worse, the team spirit in all-of-one-kind families may not last forever. All siblings will fight and have rivalries, says Dr. Schultz. But the naturally strong sibling bonds in these families can translate into a lot of good times and shared fun.