Trying to be cheerful - it's another boy...

[BoysMum]

I've changed my name for this as I'm rather embarrassed to admit it, but I've just come back from a scan today at which dh & I agreed we'd like to find out the sex of the baby. We already have a gorgeous little boy and found out today it looks like we're expecting another.
I'm almost ashamed to admit that my initial feelings when we were told were of disaapointment instead of all the things I think I should have felt (i.e. relief at fact baby is fine, happiness at having healthy pregnancy when so many people have problems etc etc).
However I think I hadn't really realised that in my mind for some reason I'd convinced myself I was having a girl : the pregnancy was so different from last, baby seemed to 'feel' totally different etc.
I know this is just an initial feeling and in probably a couple of days time I'll be wondering how I could possibly have felt this way, but I thought if I could focus on the positives of having two boys (both now, and later in life) it might help!
At the moment all I can think of is a future filled with noise and dirty sports kits , feeling alienated by my husband and sons as they disappear to football matches and not having anyone to gossip with and go shopping!
I know I'm being silly, but can anyone out there with all boys remind me of the positives please?!
Dh suggested

• no need to buy more baby clothes (actually that was one of my disappointments!)
• they'll be able to share a room when older
• won't need 2 different sets of toys There must be lots of others surely?

I don?t know why but I was sure I was having a girl throughout my first pregnancy but wasn?t at all bothered to have a boy. I was just so glad to have the baby that I didn?t even think about what sex he was towards the end. I am due another in a couple of week?s time and have no idea what it will be. I think I?d actually like another boy, but don?t know why and really I am not bothered either way. I am quite surprised at how many people are bothered by the sex. In my experience kids are all very different regardless of sex and I really don?t like the ?Barbie-pink-girly thing? vs the ?Bob-the-Builder-plain-functional macho thing? but realise that there is not a lot we can do about it. My boy is quiet and fairly passive and he won?t be encouraged to like football. I know that things will change when he is older and I guess one concern is that in later life he may not keep in touch the way a daughter might. However plenty girls fall out with their mums too and who can say what will happen in the future? ?. he might go and get a job in Australia. Girls seem to grow up so quickly with clothes, make-up, pop music etc whereas boys are children well into their teens so at least you have your child as a child for longer. I suppose we should all try to treat each child as if they are our first and not think of them in relation to what the first, second is and so on ? after all they are individuals (I think I feel this strongly as I am a twin).

I will just add that my parents have 5 grandsons and only one grand-daughter so I am getting pressure to have a girl from my mum. I think I will scream if it is a boy and she says ?oh ANOTHER boy? with a tone of disappointment in her voice. ;-)

I too desperately wanted a baby girl but am now absolutely thrilled with my baby boy.

I have to agree with others about the difficulties of teenage years - I don't want to sound negative but as most of my friends of my own age have teenagers I do hear many stories of real, and I mean real, horrendous situations. Just talking to an old school friend on the phone the other night, she is distraught with anxiety over her teenage daughter, who is in a very dangerous situation - all I could do was offer a shoulder to cry on.

I'm not saying teenage sons don't cause problems, but I, selfishly, am now glad I had a son and not a daughter.

In defence of teenagers, I'm now on my third(!) and quite honestly, it's been one of the best 'phases' of having children. I really enjoy them at that age. They're so interesting, they have refreshing views on life and a whole bunch of friends who also broaden your outlook. We've had our ups and downs, of course, but nothing serious and now the boys are in their 20's they are making their own way in life very happily. My DD, contrary to popular opinion, is even easier than the boys! She's great fun and just lovely.

Thanks for that suedonim! I was beginning to dread the teenage years with dd, previously I had been quite looking forward to them

Hear, hear Suedonim! Teenagers can be very challenging but they are independent, can do a lot to support other family members and are so full of life and ideas.
Tigermoth, re the 'sexual rivalry', yes, I do get a little pang when I see how gorgeous my daughters are, compared to my fortysomething incarnation, but it's a sweet and poignant thing. You feel so blessed that they are 'yours'

I tend to divide the four phases of 'childhood' as follows: babies , toddlers children and tenagers so it's good to hear something so positive Suedonim.

Yes, mooma, I see where you're coming from. Of course after all those years of caring for your daughters, it must be lovely to see them blossom into adults. The are not just any old teenagers, they are your babies.

I wonder is this is too much of a generalistion? The answer is yes, probably, however I will press on regardless: It seems to me that parents of the same sex as their children take their successes and failures far more personally than parents who have children of the opposite sex. In my case, my son's childhood is so different to mine - boyish boy versus girly girl - that I feel quite detatched sometimes. It's like bringing up an alien creature. Not that I love him any the less because of this.

Your phrase about guiding and teaching your sons struck a chord with me, Rozzy. We are a great team, we love each other, we have fun together but when it comes to sharing specific interests,
I really struggle to find common ground with my son.

He's into pokemon, playstation, sport and cooking. I am not, and I can't feign enthusiasm for more than 10 minutes, much less teach him anything. Likewise he loathes and detests my vintage clothing habit.

We laugh about it, and we have managed to find some common ground. We both love shopping,(different shops, of course) eating interesting food, and visiting new places.

But I do envy my husband - he has far more skills to pass on to my son than I have, and my son is far more interested in what he can teach him. That's why I tend to take my son on lots of trips out. It's something we can share.

Boysmum, I hope these messages have been of some help to you and that you are feeling better. I really admire your honesty about how you were feeling. Lots of us have, and may possibly be in the same boat as you and I hope you are getting some comfort from the people who have posted here. Sending you lots of positive and happy vibes and many congratulations on your second baby to come.

Rozzy, my remark about my son being a alien species should have had one of these after it

Thank you everyone! Too many lovely messages to pick up on each one individually, but of course you're ALL absolutely right in what you've said.
I think I've already 'got over' (if that's the right expression) the initial disappointment, and as I think someone said, I'm now just so excited about meeting this little person!And I AM glad I found out the sex before the birth because it means I can concentrate on the most important thing - looking forward to my new beautiful baby in 18 weeks time.
Dh & I were thinking through all our parenting friends, and strangely the majority of them actually have 2 of the same sex!
Having just spent a lovely morning with my son - shopping/ wandering around Sainsbury's - he was being a complete angel, charmer & flirt and I had two old ladies comment on how gorgeous and well-behaved he was (Swells chest up with pride!! ) I can't even imagine why I felt so disappointed earlier in the week? I just can't wait to have two scrummy little boys!
Thanks to everyone for all your messages - I'm going to print them off and keep them - they mean that much to me

Lovely to hear that you're feeling much better Boysmum - just enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

I LOVE having my two boys. They are 2 years apart and play really well together. There is a bit of rivalry but on the whole they are lots of fun. They like the same things, they can wear the same clothes, they play well, I even quite like being the only girl! When you meet him, I'm sure you'll be thrilled to bits.

I am a little bit late on this thread,but I have just had my third boy 16 weeks ago,he is gorgeous ,smiley and a much wanted third child.However if I am honest I did long for a little girl and we tried all the timing methods to no avail!I did conmsequently have a few tears after he was born which I am deeply ashamed of,there will always I suppose be a little part of my heart which will miss the expereience of having a daughter but now he is a little person I wouldn't swop him for the world.
The turning point for me was an experience in Tesco,my baby was only a week old and the elderly lady in the checkout queue was admiring him,I mentioned that he was a third boy,her face fell "oh,Im so sorry " she said Icould have socked her one !
The most important thing to remember is that you are giving birth to a person and not a sex,I felt that I had failed by not being able to produce at least one of each but looking at the programme on miscarriage trailed for TV tonight I am deeply thankful for my boys,who by the way are all different and I deeply resent the stereotypical image of boys as a problem.

When I was pregnant with my second child (the first one being a ds) everyone was already saying they bet I was hoping for a girl. I wasn't actually but the harder you protest, the more it sounds as though they were right. When my son was born, all those people never mentioned the subject again but were all obviously thinking what a shame it was and like you, Rozzy, I felt deeply protective of him and wanted to shout to all the world how delighted I was. Wouldn't swap my two boys for all the girls in the world.
Can't imagine the comments if I am ever pregnant again...

I do understand how Boysmum was feeling. I had a friend who has a lovely boy and is having another and she was also slightly disappointed when they find out. I think it's because if you have a close relationship with your mum (like I do) you desperately want to share that yourself. Also the other thing I always thought is that with girls they never really seem to stray that far from the family fold and when they marry the girls family is always much more involved than the sons but that is not always strictly true. My hubby is very close to his parents and we see them every week (ok we see my mum every day !). I think these scans are a BAD thing. If you have a beautiful healthy baby as soon as you see it you fall in love with it, whatever the sex. The scans just allow people to feel disappointed and then guilty and then as soon as you see the child, you'll fall in love anyway. My dh wanted a boy, as most men do, and we had a little girl, as soon as he saw her and ever since he's been spellbound. I wouldn't find out next time because I would hate to be disappointed. I come from a one of each family and me and my brother are very close and the great thing is because he's older I was always allowed out to parties with him. Great fun with all his friends !

Hilary, So when you see a family with 5 boys and the mum pregnant you are wrong to guess that she is desperate for a girl???

But I bet you have decided to stop at four now that you have a daughter?

I don't know yet whether we will choose to go for another one but when I think about stopping at two, I suppose that my only sadness is not having that mother/daughter thing, as my own mum is one of my best friends and we are very close. I also have noticed a trend in couples to be closer to the woman's family than the man's so I do worry a bit that once my boys leave home, I'll never see them again but it is by no means a cert and so as long as I try to be friends with my children and let them go as and when they need to then I'll be ok. For my dh, it was his mum so desperately trying to keep him forever that meant he had to make a firm break so that she would eventually let go. Hopefully I won't be the same...my dh wouldn't let me!