How to handle this situation with siblings

[ClairesTravellingCircus]

I've just had dd2 (9 1/2) come nto my bedroom to complain about dd1 (13).
She said she thinks dd1 diesn't love her as she's never kind to her.
Then told me what happened tonight: dd1 asking her to do something, dd2 saying she always does it, could dd1 do it tonight? So dd1 gets up and starts tling dd2 that she is lazy, lazier than she thought, on and on.
dd2 ignores her to avoid an argument, so dd1 goes to her bed to trll her she should listen when she's talking to her right in her face.

Now, I only have dd2's version so I realise things may NOT have happened exactly like this, but to me it sounds like low level bullying!

Dd1, who can be sweetness impersonated and is in general lovely and empathic, brilliant with little kids, seems to reserve all her spiteness for dd2. She clearly does not like her and it shows.
And it breaks my heart.

I neverhad a nice relationship with my sister, who always tried to mother me rather than simply being my sister, so I was desperate for my dds to get on, and I've tried my best to avoid jealousy, rivalry, which for a while it worked, but it has been going downhill since dd1 has been about 4.

I don't know what to do anymore: if I now go to dd1's I'll get a completely different version, but she has form for denying being unpleasant/sarcastic/rude to her sister, even when we are right there to witness it. So if I tell her off, she'll keep feeling hard done by, because we "never believe her", etc etc.

I feel like I can't win and it's really depressing me.

Anyone have any advice? I told dd2 I would think about what to do, to avoid majing things worse, but I can't just ignore this can I?
Or in general, what can I do to help them rebuild their relationship?
Thanks in advance for your responses, any advice is appreciated.

I will not pretend to have this sorted, but for what it's worth...
When you hear dd1 being bossy I do a look, raised eyebrow and "who made you mummy?!"
I also periodically pack mine off on a pgl holiday, (about every other year) together. Gives me and dh some time and the unfamiliarity forces them to bond. I also try to do girly stuff with them together.

You can only deal with what you see (discipline accordingly), taking one side over the other without corroboration WILL make the disbelieved party feel put out (rightly or wrongly).

Don't try and force their relationship, they are at very different stages developmentally (always an issue with this kind of age gap) and trying to push them together will only push them apart. Does your DD1 get 1-2-1 with you for 'girly' things or is DD2 always there? Have you tried talking to DD1 about her feelings towards her sister and why (without any criticism/censure)?

If the issues have been there pretty much from your DD2 becoming mobile/starting to develop a personality I suspect your anti-jealousy/anti-rivalry mission has failed. You should also consider that maybe right now their personalities clash - even if it's a one-sided issue. They have little choice about being sisters...no-one can make them be friends!

Thank you both,

Just for clarifiction, I don't expect them to be best friends, adn I don't push their relationship, I would just be happy if dd1 was kind to her sister, instead of patronising her and belittling her at most opportunities. (she does have good moments, mostly when she wants something from dd2)

The issues started more or less when dd2 was 3-4 (not dd1 as I mistakingly put in the OP), and dd1 6-7. We've never forced them to be friends, but for lack of opportunity they do spend a LOT of time together, we live far from family, dh works long hours and I two year old twins, the opportunities to give anyone 1-1 attention are scarce to say the least!

You cannot do anything unless you see it basically.

You risk projecting your experiences onto your dd's and thinking of it as how you felt it as a kid.

Any rudeness from anyone should be sorted out if you witness it. I would pull the offender to one side and ask her to explain herself and remind them that it isn't nice.

You can get the older ones to help with younger ones to split them up a bit.

The issues started more or less when dd2 was 3-4 (not dd1 as I mistakingly put in the OP), and dd1 6-7.

Then I think it's even more important to sit down with your DD1 and ask her about her feelings - safe in the knowledge that she will not be critiqued for her feelings. Be aware that her perception and yours may be very different!

Do they share a room? Does DD1 have anywhere she can escape to? There's a good chance at their ages that you now have 2 sets of hormones in the mix as well (just to make life interesting). Do either of them have friends they can hang out with to relieve the proximity?

The other thing that comes to mind is 'if you have nothing pleasant to say, say nothing' - your 13yo may take a vow of silence with respect to her sister but that might be better than the status quo.

Any rudeness from anyone should be sorted out if you witness it. I would pull the offender to one side and ask her to explain herself and remind them that it isn't nice.

The problem with this is that dd1 denies any wrongdoing even when we do witness it, we say that was rude dd1, she says no it wasn't, and sit's our fault for not "believing her"

Andro

yes they share, dd2 had her own room, but had to temporarily leave her room and she hasn't bothered going back. She does have lots of alone time though, as dd2 prefers to hang out with me and the dts, while dd1 will spend most of the day in her room.

we've recently moved and they do not have many friends unfortunately, dd1 used to have one that she had lots of sleepovers with (so plenty of time away from dd2) but they have recently fallen out. Tbh though, she wasn't any better when she had more of a social life. We do try and faciliatte any opportunity for both to see their own friends.

I think you're right I need to talk to her and ask her how she feels, I did try this in the past, but she couldn't expand beyond "I don't like her, she gets on my nerves", which was quite painful to hear tbh . I need to make a huge effort and try to stay neutral and listent to her. Whenever I manage to have a quite moment on our own. (easier said than done)

Thanks a lot for the input, lots of food for thought.