DS not invited to birthday party - advice please!

[bcmummy]

Hello wise mumsnetters, I need some advice! DS (5) was not invited to the birthday party of another boy in his class at school this weekend. I knew about this in advance as DS had told me - he was a little upset at the time, but not too much. I assumed that this boy was having a party for just a few other children, so didn't think too much of it. The boy who had the party is not especially good friends with my DS as such (don't think they play together regularly at lunchtime for example) but neither are they NOT friends if you see what I mean - for example, my DS has mentioned several times before when they have worked together in the classroom etc and has never said a bad word about him. Anyway, I am friends on Facebook with this boy's mum (we chat in the playground etc & have lots of mutual friends but we wouldn't see each other on a 1 to 1 basis) and this morning she had photos posted of her son's party. It turns out there were 20 kids at the party, almost all the class. But not my DS. Not sure who else wasn't there or if they were invited but just couldn't go (there are 24 in the class).

My DS has always struggled a little socially with the other boys as he is not a "boy's boy" as such, prefers playing with the girls, not into superheroes etc, but he has seemed to be getting on better with the other boys this year and I am surprised and really sad that he seems to have been left out in this way. So - I am looking for some advice - should I ask this boy's mum if there is any reason DS wasn't invited? Or would that just embarrass her? My DS invited the whole class to his birthday party late last year and this boy came to that. Personally I wouldn't allow my DS to leave out just 1 or 2 children from his class unless there was a specific reason as I think it is a bit cruel so I am wondering if something has gone on that I don't know about. Or should I speak to his teacher instead and ask how he's getting on socially? She has not raised any issues with me in the past but now I am worried. Don't want to make a big thing of it but I am feeling really sad for my DS.

Unfortunately we cannot take on these issues for our children. As much as you want to know why I think it would be better to leave it. my dc have not been invited to lots of parties and it is not for me to question the reasons and my dc have never once got upset. There are lots of reasons numbers are restricted on parties not least cost. young children imo are very fickle and by the time you get involved in an issue if is usually resolved.. Try not to take it personally.

I find that the children normally talk about the party prior to it happening, not after.
It will all be forgotten by Tuesday.

Unless you tell your lad he was possibly the only one not invited, he'll never know.

Sad as it is for you, try and forget about it.

If your DS does not mention it and does not seem bothered I would not say anything more about it.

It is easy to get caught up in this situation but if he is not bothered then you should not be!

I think you just have to leave it. DD also in recption has not been invited to the last 10 parties that children have had in her class. I did end up speaking to the teacher after about 7 but that was really only to find out if DD was beening an irritating sod like she can be at home

Turns out she's not, seems happy at school and doesn't seem to notice the missed invites. It certainly upset me more than her.

I had a very similar scenario recently, whereby my ds2 wasn't invited to a party where most (but not all) were. He was aware of it, and a bit put out when he told me, knowing had had a whole class party and invited the boy concerned...but all it took was a simple explanation that there is probably only so many places at the activity, and not to think the boy doesn't like him, to put his mind at rest. He wasn't fussed after that.

I very rationally gave it no further thought after that.
It's funny though...I saw his mum in the hairdresser yesterday, and before I could stop myself, gave her a mental

You can't help but cosset your own wee pudding...it's natural...you're supposed to.
Don't pursue this with the other mum though. There will undoubtedly come a time in the future where you have to leave someone out, and you will hope people are understanding.
Don't worry about it. x

I would say nothing . Was the party at a place where perhaps there was a maximum number allowed?

If there is a limit on numbers at a party (self imposed or put in place by the venue) someone is always going to miss out. Also despite seeming to get on, even at that age kids know who they do and don't like. My DS2 knew without doubt he didn't want a certain boy at his party, yet got an invite to that boys party later on (which he declined!). Said boy has blossomed into a right royal PITA who is always in trouble so I guess my DS had got the measure of him early on! Not saying your DS is that boy, but some kids just don't gel when they are little. I imagine this bothers you a lot more than your DS.

Thanks for all your replies. A unanimous decision to leave well alone! I won't speak to the other boy's mum (not a prospect I was relishing anyway!). I think you are all correct that I am worrying about this much more than my DS seems to be. DH thinks I am nuts to be even giving it a moment's thought but DS is my PFB so sometimes I can't help it!

pictish you made me smile with the story about the hairdresser. Will try not to give this mum a mental in the playground on Tuesday!

I have run a few parties for my kids now and I always put a limit at 20 as I run the parties myself and can't cope with more than 20 children. I am quite strict with that and purely based on my ability to cope not how many friends they have.

I have had my boys say after the party, oh we forgot to invite so and so, I think next year I would like them to come. It's not that they didn't want them there but for a 5 year old to remember 24 names is often quite tricky. I have had to prompt before but that has been based on who I know/remember.

I have learnt really not to take it personally when my boys don't get invited (although that is hard) and know that friendships do change over time. My eldest didn't invite a little boy to his 5th birthday but they are now best friends and inseperable. This year, he only invited him to his 7th.

Thanks tiger. There could well have been a limit on the numbers by the venue, or just by the family, and I shouldn't expect my DS to always be invited to everything. There doesn't seem to have been any big fall out between them or anything like that so that makes me feel better too. I might have a quick word with his teacher to see how he is doing socially at school just to put my mind at rest. Must try harder not to take it personally! Thanks for taking the time to reply.

There's also the possibility that the invite was left in his bookbag or at school, as happened to my DD once...

I might consider sending selected invites and the remainder a brief note in their child's bookbag that invitees were just randomly selected. At our Reception, the TA or helper collates all the pizza junkmail paperwork that goes into bookbags. But I wonder if I'd remember to do that at the time .

Just a thought anyway.