I don't think I'm very good at this

[LouisaJF]

Before I got married I was always very anti-kids and had no natural maternal instincts. That all changed when I met DH and we decided to start a family. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage which completely broke my heart (I am still grieving today). As no-one can tell you why these things happen I couldn't help but question whether I could have a baby. When DS1 came along we were elated and I have always felt he was my little miracle. I took to motherhood so much better than I ever expected and love DS1 beyond words.

DS1 is now 2 and DS2 is 5 weeks old. I am on maternity leave and have decided to be a SAHM so I can be completely devoted to my gorgeous boys. The problem is that I'm not sure I'm doing a very good job now there are two of them to balance. I feel like I either neglect DS1 because I'm looking after the baby, or hurrying to put DS2 down to play with the eldest. It leaves me feeling frustrated and I don't feel either are getting the best of me.

I had a crap childhood and my fears if not being able to have a child have made me desperate to give my boys all the love and time that I can. Does anyone have any tips on striking a balance with 2 young children? How can I stop myself getting angry at myself or losing patience with either child? I just want to be a good mum but I don't think I am

i am sure you're a great mum. if you weren't you wouldn't be worrying about this!

i can assure you that EVERYONE feels like that when number 2 comes along. it is hard, esp when they are newborn and need so much attention and you have to split yourself in half. But that's just how it goes, and the good bits far outweigh that IMO
it does get easier as they get older though :)

This is normal to feel like this at this stage and particularly with this age gap as 2 year olds need a lt of attention still.

Go easy on yourself. It is about survival in the early days!

Louisa,
Here's a big secret that no one seems to tell, no one is very good at this parenting malarkey. We all just muddle along hoping our DC won't need expensive therapy
You're doing a great job, you love your boys and one day, they will break your heart, but the next day, they'll mend it for you.
Your youngest is still little, just be kind to yourself and relax and enjoy it while you can. Your hormones are still all over the place and I'm guessing that a good nights sleep is a distant memory, so your not thinking too straight. You are doing the best you can spending time with a new born and a toddler, you can't do everything at the same time, so don't stress about it.
Because you had a crap childhood, you'll know how to be a good mum and what to avoid too. Your bad example will show you what not to do - that's what I did anyway .
Think of the positives - even if it's only 'Well, they're still alive, I'm still in my pjs and it's bedtime again, but they're still alive'. It's a mantra som days too!

Thank you, it's nice to know I'm not the only one. I guess I just feel that my boys deserve better than me. They are so good and lovely and I can't give them a mummy that is worthy of them.

OP have you had help to deal with what you call a crap childhood? your self confidence sounds low. And I think a big part of being a solid parent is being able to be buffeted by their wild and crazy emotions and moods without being too affected, or you will go to pieces.... does that make sense?

You sound like a lovely mum

You can and are. I remember these low feelings - I think it was exhaustion and PND. It is very tough but it will get easier and you can then manage easier.

When my youngest was little I kept her in a sling while I looked after my eldest which was great as much easier and didn't have to leave baby to cry.

I haven't had help to deal with things as such. My self confidence has always been rock bottom, but DH has worked really hard to change that. I don't have quite the poor view of myself that I once did but I still have moments of doubt and this is so important that I can't help but pull myself to pieces. I guess as long as the boys are happy and well then I could be doing worse, but I'm going to work so hard to give them the best childhood I possibly can.

I think you have to find some way to accept that you are never going to be a perfect parent, it just isn't possible. I hear you - I really hated the way my mother raised me and am determined to be different for DD. It makes me stressed and anxious in difficult periods. Which ironically has the effect of making me most like my mother . Make allowances for yourself, the way you would make allowances for your children. You can't be perfect, but you can be open about the mistakes you make and compromises that you will have to make, we all do.

I read a quotation in a parenting book that spoke to me, it made me realise what was wrong in my own childhood.

"Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible"
(psychotherapist Virginia Statir)

this goes for you too

You are a wonderful mum otherwise you wouldn't be on here and are obviously totally dedicated. I work as I would be useless as a SAHM! I would not have the patience and ability to keep my 2 entertained and educated all day everyday. Don't set your expectations too high. Most if us just muddle along day by day. If you get out and find other mums locally I am sure they will all say the same - enjoy

I have a 2 year old & a 3 week old, and feel like you do. I think a lot of it stems from me wanting to be a perfect mother, which is of course unachievable! But also I think a lot of it is tiredness - if I get a good night with the baby then I'm a rationale person the next day, if however I'm knackered I'm plagued with self-doubt. How are your nights going? Are you managing to get some rest?

OP I saw this blog post and it made me think of you
www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/5_Steps_to_Get_Your_Inner_Critic_on_Your_Side/
Some good advice, I think

I hope you're doing ok

Hi! I just cam on here to ask how the hell do you cope with two! I have a 2 yr old and a 6 week old and this is DHs last week home with me. I am so so worried about being on my own with them. DC 2 can rarely be put down and DC1 wants me to play with him and I feel like I am not skiving time to either of them. I have had major probs bfing so am mainly ff now, partly due to DC1 and I am worried I won't bind with. DC2. Plus DC1 is massively favouring DH now and as a SAHM I feel hurt and like I have down something wrong because his primary attachment is clearly not to me when in theory I do the loons share of caring.

Also, I don't know anyone at this stage as my friends all have just one so feeling alone.

hey Popa, I don't have two DC but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered. And we may attract others who can speak with more authority!

My thoughts, not from direct experience but from reading others' advice in the past and some thoughts of my own:

many people say a sling is critical - you say DC2 can rarely be put down - this will let you hold him or her with your hands free. I see parents with DC the age of your two in the park and at toddler groups and often DC2 is asleep or contented and looking around in the sling.

don't worry too much about DC1's preference for your DH, though I know how stinging even a minor rejection from your child can be. I don't think it means his or her primary attachment isn't to you - it may well mean that it is (and this is the coping mechanism). There are two parents in your family. Allow DH to take up some of the slack with DC1

equally, can you ringfence time just for you and DC1. So (I don't know your family routine) but it may be that when DH arrives home from work, he takes DC2 and you read stories / play / sing with DC1.

6 weeks isn't long and DC1 is probably coming to terms with an enormous and unexpected change in life. Just hold steady and they will settle down.

Everyone feels they are doing rubbish job when no.2 comes along. Its inevitable, actually. Before there was one you and one child. Now there is one you and two children! This is stating the obvious but do just read it and take it in. Of course you feel standards are slipping, you are now doing twice the work with the same resources!

Its hard at this stage as your boys don't really have a relationship yet, so you can't really see with your own eyes that, although your DS1 has had to sacrifice some of you and your DS2 will never get all of you like his brother, they are getting something else equally valuable to replace it.

When your DS2 is a bit older you will see how he relates to your DS1 and how big an attachment figure your DS1 is in DS2's life. Its not all down to you anymore! You will probably find that your DS2 will be happy to sit and play/watch TV while you get on with jobs from a much younger age than your DS1 was, all because DS1 is also an attachment figure for your DS2 and as long as DS1 is there too, your youngest will be content.

Likewise, you will soon start seeing evidence of your DS1's attachment to your DS2 as well - its a bit early days yet but soon he won't remember a time pre-DS2 and although he has had to sacrifice some mum time, he gains a playmate and a little bro to be fiercely protective over.

Mine are nearly 5 and 2.5 now. All weekend they played crazy imaginative games together (usually involving a "den" behind the sofa, or a boating holiday on a piece of cardboard etc etc). They are so so so happy pottering about together, having them both was the best thing ever for them. Of course there are fights but I asked my eldest if she would like to be without her little brother. She started crying at the mere thought ...

Hang in there. At your stage I felt I'd ruined both their lives too.

PS Cbeebies is your FRIEND in these early days! My eldest watched a huge amount.

Thanks for your kind words rooty! I almost feel like I might be borderline PND in that I can't seem to enjoy anything at the moment but that could also be tied up in my breastfeeding frustrations too.

My DH starts a new job next week and it will be long hours so he won't see DC1 at all. It's going to be a shock!

I had major probs bfing because of tongue tie and so I have been mixed feeding but bfing seems to be getting better pain wise which makes me wonder if I could solely bf dc2 but dC1 and the thought of how to manage him while I am inevitably going to be stuck on the sofa for hours while DC2 builds up my supply which is now pretty poor makes me not sure what to do and it's eating away at me. Especially as DC1 likes to be outside and doing rather than inside and playing.

Sorry, just realised I have hijacked this thread. Louisa, I know how you feel and I think tonnes of people are going through the same right now. People don't seem to talk about it much but I bet loads would say it's not a terribly fun period!