I'm doing such a rubbish job at the moment...

[OwensMama]

Hi
Never posted before, so not sure what I'm expecting really - bit of advice, people to tell me I'm not the only one...?
I think I may be suffering from a touch of the blues and certainly it has got to the point where my DH has made me make an appointment to see the doctor, but I just seem to spend my days shouting at or crying in front of my two children at the moment - DS, 5 and DD 3. Every morning I wake up and think, 'Right, no crying, no shouting' but then they test me and it happens all over again.
My DS is being particularly tricky at the moment - arguing about EVERYTHING, answering back a bit, not listening etc. and I guess that upsets me as we have always been so so close and at the moment he seems like a different boy. The trouble is, instead of dealing with all this calmly, I end up ranting on and on at him about it, usually crying at the same time and saying totally stupid things like, "what happened to my lovely little boy?" and "I can't go on like this" (so ashamed of myself - I know it is wrong...) My DD obviously overhears all of it.
There is a definite sense of relief in them both when DH gets home from work and someone normal and more steady turns up - which then makes me feel even more weepy.
What can I do? I feel like I am just messing everything up and that I can't make it right now. Are they just going to grow up remembering me as this irrational weepy mess? I always had in my mind that I was giving them this magical, happy and stable childhood and now I don't know what to do.
Any words of wisdom or advice out there?

What's happened recently that's brought this on? Can you pinpoint when it began?

I do understand, my 7 year old has been pushing me lately with his behaviour and I've felt terrible for some of the silly things I've said ( similar stuff to you )

Would you consider a trip to the doctor for some advice on anti depressants if indeed it turns out you're a little bit depressed at the moment ?

Don't be too hard on yourself. Take each hour as it comes... Maybe resolve to praise something positive about him every hour, even something very small . It'll make you feel better and him too and it's a small start

Thank you for your reply. It sounds a bit odd, but I think it started when he started school last year - I was so so sad (although I did hide my sadness from him) and I think it may have triggered a touch of depression for whatever reason. I just don't feel like myself anymore and I can't seem to snap out of it. Feel so silly as I really have nothing at all to be down about.
I do praise him for all the good stuff he does and he really is brilliant. I guess what I am saying, is none of this is his fault - he is just being a normal 5-year old - it is totally me. I just can't control the crying and ranting. Actually just writing this makes me realise that a trip to the doctors is definitely in order. Has anyone else taken anti-depressants because of this kind of thing and found they've helped? Perhaps I am posting in the wrong place?

I think this is not him but you ( said with love! )

Yes he's going to test you etc etc and yes you're going to get annoyed with him. Normal stuff.

To feel very sad about him starting school and to be feeling weepy and down is not normal and I think could be really easily sorted out.

Why not make an appointment and take it from there? It'd be a positive step to make

What can you remember about your parents from when you were 5? What about when you were 3?

Probably not much, so don't let that worry you.

If you are crying and ranting and you feel like it's out of control I'd say a visit to the docs is in order.
I think you're feeling more in control already!

Thank you - I think you are definitely right.

Sorry, no advice as my dd is only little, but you sound like such a loving mum. It shines through your words how much you love your dc. I hope things get better for you op.

Agree with all advice re:doctors..also, don't be too hard on yourself - it is just a phase and will pass! You sound like a perfectly normal, loving, (if a little frazzled) mum who is going through a but of a hard patch. And it doesn't hurt your children to u understand that you aren't just an ever patient mummy, you are also human,with emotions etc too. Xxx

Thanks to everyone who replied. I agree this is probably just one of those hard patches. Made a doctors appointment - and actually feeling better already having done that!