How to cope with caring for an unwell (non-resident) parent and a 4yo without neglecting either?

[vladthedisorganised]

Just that. My dad has assorted problems but none 'bad enough' to merit moving in with us or vice versa - he likes his independence and is still fairly young (mid 60s). I am an only child - so no siblings to help - and work FT.

DD is a happy 4yo who would watch TV all bloody day if she could. If I go to Dad's house, she comes with me - and if I spend my time making sure Dad has medication, groceries and meals sorted, she'll plonk herself in front of the TV or I'll plonk her in front of a bit of paper with pens to give me the 20 minutes I need to run around like a blue-arsed fly. She's happy enough with this, but I have realised recently that she's way behind her peers in writing (she can trace letters but not write them independently) and colouring (doesn't colour inside the lines, no representational drawing, just scribbles).

Socially she's fine - well-mannered (mostly), very verbal, can dress herself, can ride a bike, no toilet issues, can use a knife and fork - but I'm concerned that I've done her a disservice by not helping enough with the writing and drawing. She starts school in September and is at nursery while I'm at work; nursery have not flagged any concerns.

On the occasions I've not kept tabs on Dad (latest due to a particularly horrible flu bug that had me in bed for two days) I'll have the world and his wife phoning me as they need me to sort this or that for him, drive him here or there or to chastise me not-so-gently for not doing enough for him.

It's got so bad that I've considered jacking in my job to become a FT carer for both of them as it's the only way I can think of to give them both the attention they need. DD is too young to plonk in front of an exercise book and just say 'trace over the letters for a while until you get the hang of it!', and Dad is a little too ill to manage everything without a discreet eye being kept on him - but not ill enough to warrant 'official' care, and he certainly wouldn't take kindly to anyone else doing errands for him.

Has anyone else been there and survived? My own sanity is taking a back seat at the moment, but I worry about the impact on DD.

She hasn't started school yet - she doesn't need to be able to write her letters! That's what reception is for. A lot of kids still haven't grasped them all by Y1. Let her play. Letting her scribble, colour draw at her own pace is great practice for pencil control which she will need for letter writing. Don't panic. She sounds perfectly normal to me. In fact being able to ride a bike at that age seems quite advanced.

If you work full time, have a pre school child and a needy older parent something has to give. Your DF may well "not take kindly" to having help from someone else but if you are worried about the impact on your DD, this is worth investigating. Also who are "the world and his wife" who are chastising you for not doing enough? Are any of them able to offer help rather than nagging you about it?

I am also an only child, my DF is nearly 80 and lives 2 hours away so I dread his health failing and having to sort logistics with awkward stepmother how best for him to be cared for.