Bit worried about my husband's family taking over

[WhyNotSmile]

I'm due in September - first baby. My husband is very close to his family, and visits his mum 3 evenings every week, without fail. He used to go on Sundays as well, for the whole day, but I was feeling a bit neglected, so he doesn't do that any more.

Problem is, when the baby is born, he wants to take him/her with him when he goes to his mum's house. I don't really want the baby to be away that much, and also don't think he's really thought it through in terms of needing to look after the baby while he's there.

I'm also a bit concerned about the influence his family might have on the baby. We have a niece and nephew (5 & 3) who are pretty spoiled, and not that pleasant to be around, and I don't really want the baby to pick up their habits (like snatching, yelling over people when they're talking etc). I do want the baby to see her cousins, of course, but my husband seems to expect that we'll still go to all family events, and just says he won't let the baby be influenced by the cousins.

Fmaily events includes basically every day in the school holidays, as his family are all teachers. I'm not sure that I want my child to spend that much time with his family - I'd rather we did things as a threesome a bit more often. But it always feels like he'll do stuff with his family unless I have something else planned... some days I want to be able to plan nothing and just see what happens or what we feel like doing. When I say I don't want them to spend all the time with his family, he seems to hear that I don't want to spend time with them at all, but that's not the case - I just think forming our own little family is important first, and then the wider family comes second.

Anyone have any advice?

It sounds to me as though your DH hasn't really cut the apron strings yet.
I think 3 evenings a week is excessive - unless she's ill or something?

When the baby is here you will need your DH with you at home, at least for the first few months. A bit later you may be glad of some peace and quiet and the chance to catch up on sleep.

But you're right to want to bond as a family - just the 3 of you.
You need to talk to him

Hi can I add , you or he won't want to take the baby anywhere in the evenings . The over stimulation in the evening could disrupt getting baby into sleep routine. X

I agree with you, you want to spend time just him and the baby and with your family too.

I'd give him a set of rules/ what you're willing to do on paper now.

If you're breastfeeding I'd say no trips without you for the at least the first 3 months, even to his mum's, but maybe she can come to visit once a week for an hour or 2? If you don't breastfeed maybe let him take baby over once a week once baby is 2- 4 weeks old.

For school holidays say that maybe you and baby are willing to attend 1 family event a week or 2 if it is with different family members (would still be a bit much for me!) and are happy to attend all special occasions such as birthday parties and whole family get togethers.
I would allocate one day a week to visiting your family and one to seeing friends and then have at least 2 days which are just you him and baby to relax or go out.

For normal weekends I would say 1 day reserved for your time and 1 day to visit whoever you like, friends or family.

Thanks for the replies. I plan to breastfeed, so initially he won't be able to take the baby anywhere... I think he still intends to go to his mum's during this time as usual, but he most likely hasn't thought it through yet. I could ask him not to go, but then he'll take that as me never wanting him to go.

The thing is, his mum (who's not ill or anything, no) brings our nephew to the Parent & Toddler group that I run, so she'll see the baby there every week at least. I was also going to suggest that she could then come back to my house for lunch or something some weeks, to spend a bit more time with the baby.

I totally agree about not taking the baby places in the evenings - when he goes to his mum's, he goes from work and stays till about 9pm, so that would obviously be way past the baby's bed time. Plus, his (4) sisters are fairly hyper and loud, so even though he seems to think he can just get the baby to go to sleep there and then bring her home asleep, I can't imagine that happening. I also don't really want that - I want to have a bedtime routine, with bath time, story time etc.

My husband will argue that I'm just not as 'into' family as he is, but I don't think that's the case... I think I'm into family a normal amount, and his family is a bit overbearing. He would say himself that his mum can be guilty of emotionally manipulating people to insist that everyone goes to everything, but there's not much I can do about that.

I also have a weird phobia of being in other people's houses, especially for food, so although I'll generally go to birthdays etc, I do find it very stressful, and don't feel like my husband understands that - he would want me to go with him every time he goes.

Presumably he's always been a total mummy's boy so no huge surprises that he continues to live a bit in their pocket. He is not likely to change much if it's always been this way and ywbu to expect it.

That said, I think it's a bit soon to worry about this. We often have plans pre children that fly out the window when the baby arrives. You might both feel differently with you pleased to get a break (and sleep!) or your dh not wanting to take the baby so much.

He's already accommodated you when you raised the issue of Sundays so keep the dialogue open and when making future plans be vague and say you will "wait and see how you feel at the time" before making any firm decisions.

The strange thing is, he's not really a mummy's boy... he doesn't even get on that well with his mum! But he just seems to feel he has to do everything she wants.

With the Sunday thing, I didn't really want him to stop going on a Sunday - I would have been happy for him to go every other week, for example - but he didn't really listen, just heard "Don't go to your mum's on Sundays any more", and stopped going then at all. But it's made me feel that I can't really raise the issue of other days, because he's already given up Sundays for me. He tends to go into a huff if we discuss it too much, which makes it hard - there's a fine line to tread, and when I cross it, he just sulks until I apologise.

But I'm hoping that once the baby arrives, either he'll realise he needs to stay at home sometimes, or his mum or one of his sisters will have a word with him and point out that I need him around more. In one sense I'm not so bothered about him continuing to go to his mum's - I have plenty of friends who'll come round to help if I need them - it's more that I don't really want the baby to go all the time, and be pulled out of a routine etc.

Agree about the pm visits - that will be a nightmare of over stimulation.

Good luck op. It's not easy

I think you need to write him a letter explaining in detail what you mean, so he can't not listen and assume you mean you never want him to see his family.

A new baby is a massive thing and it makes going out and seeing people harder as you have to think about how you will look after the baby where ever you are, bed times (which can be late sometimes but not ever other night) routines etc etc. I'm sure you know this but he obviously doesn't so you need to tell him in a letter :p

he also sounds like someone who struggles with things not being black and white and with not having firm plans all the time, is there a reason like asbergers? I don't know how to help him with this but explaining to him that for you doing something all the time is exhausting and you'd like some relaxing or free time is important, even if you end up having to slot it into a timetable!

I completely agree with all the comments on here. Perhaps once he seems his new son or daughter he will feel more that you are both his first family/ priority now. Newborns are a little unpredictable! You should both focus on just staying in as a family together and find your feet. You do not need any pressure to have visitors or vist other people, for at least the first month or two. Trust me, I have a 4 month DS, my first baby. Breastfeeding is tiring and you will need a lot of help and support in the evenings after looking after your little one all day- I would wait by the front door (I still do after a difficult day!) and hand my DS to my DH as soon as he walks through the door, after which it's a two man job until he leaves for work again! Family time feels even more important to us now as we really enjoy doing things as a 3. However, if you having trust worthy and willing babysitters, don't knock them too soon. Give it a few months and you may be desperate to hand your LO over for a few hours and have a break

It does sound as if there,s a communication issue between you. Could you try a more positive approach? Sounds like you mean your opening statement to be the start of a discussion and he takes it as an order? what about posing ideas as a question, like How would it be if you spent every other Sunday with us as a family?

Thanks for the thoughts everyone! My husband does have a slightly odd way of communicating sometimes, and I do wonder whether he's slightly autistic or something.

It's good to know I'm not crazy or over-demanding for thinking that this could be an issue... I think some of it will resolve itself in time, but at some point over the next few months we need to sit down and talk some things through. I think especially that when the baby is born, I will probably need my husband at home, not going to his mum's as much... The issue of how often the baby goes may not be as pressing at the issue of how often he goes himself!

And I think we'll have to negotiate on the family visits and days out etc... Especially the ones that aren't really geared for children. For instance, his sister always hosts a May Day party, which is basically lots of drinking. Her house isn't at all set up for children, and I'd rather take my child to the park than go there and watch the rest of them drink while I try to keep an eye on the child in case they knock stuff over.

Once a week in the summer holidays is more than enough for me for family trips (bearing in mind that we'll want to do things with my parents and sister as well). Husband's idea would be more like 3 or 4 days a week. So maybe I can negotiate 2 or 3!