I'm at my wits end, feel like a failure

[IAmABam]

LO is almost 5 months old, truly the best thing that has ever happened to me, I am grateful for her every day but...

Terrible pregnancy, awful birth, four months of horrendous colic & constipation and now reflux & teething. She's been a sleep refuser since day 2, bedtime usually goes on for well over 2 hours and she's up around 3 times in the night, always taking at least an hour to resettle. Daytime naps are practically nonexistent, she'll eventually have a short power nap on me only if I pin her legs and arms, I can't put her down or hand her over. When she's awake she's only happy if she's upright & I'm walking around with her.

We've started going to baby groups & everyone else seems to have angelic babies who sleep for 12 hours straight, fall asleep on their bouncy chairs and don't need held constantly. I feel like a complete failure in comparison, like I'm a crap mother constantly letting my daughter down.

Please someone tell me it'll get easier soon.

Aww bless, dd was the sleep refuser reflux teething screamer, so you are not a failure honest!

It will pass soon (dd did improve greatly when she started on solids) I promise. Just hang on in there

Thank you Anya

I didn't expect it to be easy but I really didn't expect it to be this hard either.

It will get better. My DS was not as beset by different things but colic was a problem, and I also experienced the thing where you go to a baby group and everyone else's child sits/lies peacefully and is silent while yours wriggles, screams etc. You are NOT a crap mother, you are doing your best in difficult circumstances and with some of this stuff (like the colic) sadly it is time passing that makes the most difference rather than anything you can do. Do you have support around so that you can catch up on all the sleep you are missing?

Another sleep refuser reflux baby here, although no colic. We started doing very gentle sleep training at 6 mo (Elizabeth pantley) which helped. Reflux cleared after she was more or less weaned around 7/8 months.

Life got much much better after that. She sleeps through most nights now and has done since she was 1ish. And has a 2 hour lunch time nap BLISS!!

My dh forced me to go and spend a night in a hotel on my own when she was around 5 months which saved me. It's amazing what just one good night sleep can do for you.

Ds had no interest in food and was the lightest sleeper in the world. I thought I was a failure but I discovered in time that he just doesn't need much food (still the same at 24) and really doesn't like the taste of loads of things. Sleep was partly my bad habits but very much him too - he still has weird sleep habits but on the other hand has no trouble getting up at horrible times to go to work.

It's not you, it's dd. My advice (from bitter experience) is don't sacrifice yourself to her: put her down or hand her over and just take a break. She needs you in good nick, you need to protect yourself a bit.

Parent of another infant sleep refuser, he was grumpy and colicky and had lactose intolerance.

He starts school in September and I still remember those early dark months with a shudder. His older sister was a dream baby and I can remember sobbing to DH and asking him what I had done wrong to get a baby like this when he was at his worst.

It improved, but so gradually I almost couldn't see it at the time, but weaning helped, as did getting on the move at around a year old.

I found a wrap sling helped a bit during the day, he preferred to sleep upright and I could get things done - I got my hands back!. Lots of walks helped too, the fresh air and stimulation tired him out a little, and I wasn't stuck in the house listening to him scream. Plus TV- he was fascinated and was quiet for a little bit, it was that or my sanity. Occasionally he would sit in his bouncy chair and watch the washing machine on high spin.

It does get better, I know it's really hard right now but it will get better. I had some mental health issues as a result of those hideous early months so perhaps if you are really starting to struggle a visit to the GP might help. Once he started to sleep through and walk and talk it was all better.

Thank you all so much for your kind words, you've made me feel a little less alone with it all.

Babies are so unpredictable and I am sure all those mothers you see at groups have their own troubles or have had in the past,we don't see what is going on in their houses at 3 in the morning!

Our lo is very fussy and we went through a phase where she wouldn't sleep anywhere but on one of us and it still feels like she feeds constantly. I admit sometimes I find it suffocating, don't get me wrong I love her but it is hard, we just have to ride it out and believe that it will get better...it is worth it though coz when my lo smiles at me as I get her dressed in the morning after a sleepless night it melts my heart

Hang on in there!

Will she sleep in the pram? It was the only place DS would sleep so I planned my days around his sleep so we would be out walking at the right time I got a lot of stick for it for letting him rule the roost but it kept me sane so I went with it, I also co-slept part of the night again I got the rod for your own back stuff but it worked and DS wont come into our bed now I go in with him maybe 2 or 3 nights a week but it's getting less now and it works. Once the day time naps were better the night was better I also didn't do a bed time as such just when DS was tired it ranged between 6 and 8 depending on how much he slept that day.

I found solid food was better for DS than just milk his constipation got so much better once he was eating maybe it's time to try some food?

Tbh the thing that really saved me was to ignore everything and everyone and just do what worked for us, most of it was not how I had planned t do things but it made life much better. I know a lot of my friends thought/think I let him away with too much but they have easy babies and have no idea how hard it is to live on 3 hours sleep with a baby that cries 20 hours a day! Ds is is 2 and such a chilled out kid now he's good in general and only wakes once a night a few times a week but just wants a cuddle and he's sleeping in mins :)

Oh dear what normal person wouldn't feel overwhelmed. Not many of us feel like Super Mum so you shouldn't doubt your abilities. If DD is like colicky babies I've met she will also be less cranky as she gets more mobile.

As suggested a sling so DD is upright is a good idea. I didn't have colicky infants but can vouch for quite loud music put on to entertain mother and baby.

There are always times when they just get overwrought and screamy and you have to lie them down and walk away.

As you are finding motherhood is a marathon not a sprint. You will find reserves of strength you never knew you had. Come back and vent here when you need to. What with all the posters in different time zones there's always someone awake.

I had a very grumpy baby. He didn't have colic, or reflux and he actually slept quite well. But he HATED being a baby. He hated baby groups and baby massage and meeting other mums and babies. He hated all my family and would settle for no one but me. He cried and cried and screamed and was only happy if he was being pushed around in his pram. I felt like the biggest failure ever, like I was making my baby miserable.

Things got slightly better when he learnt to talk and then even better when he (finally!) got mobile at around 18 months. He's 4.2 now and generally an incredibly easy little boy - bright and funny and kind and clever.

It will get better. Maybe not immediately and you might not notice at first, but it WILL. Some babies are easy, some parents are more relaxed, some babies are difficult and cranky. Ride it out, it will be worth it in the long run.

Thank you all for the support, I'm feeling a lot better having read the replies. I have no previous baby experience and no friends or family with children to talk these things through with. Thank goodness for Mumsnet

Your a great mother! Your DC will love the fact that you took the time to have her in your arms when she needed you too! My DS is just the same with regards to being close to me and in a selfish way I love that he wants to be with me more than anyone else!

The best thing someone has ever replied to me on here is "it will get better eventually they will be grown up get jobs and leave home" lol and that's true it might be hard now but she will be big before you know it! Enjoy her! :)

You are not alone. You are just one step ahead of the other local mothers of colicky sleep refusers who are still rocking in a corner at home nose deep in a packet of chocolate digestives