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Original poster

jealous of friends lives

23 replies

peppajay · 27/04/2014 13:50

I know I shouldn't be but I am jealous of my friends lives. I moved away from my home town to go to uni and now live in a different town but only 20 miles away so I still keep in contact with them and see them occasionally but do very little with them anymore basically because everything they do is without children. They are currently on a girly break in Marbella - I was invited but don't have anybody willing to have my kids for 5 days and they admit that when they are away they do not miss or think about their kids at all. To them that is alien as they have so much help and they cant understand why my hubby and my parents wont just have them!!! They had a huge hen celebration in London just before xmas for 3 days and in August they are going on a spa retreat. They all work I don't I am a SAHM so to be fair they work to fund their lifestyle but their lifestyle doesn't really involve their children. One of my friends says her children have 12 parents not 2 because they are brought up by both sets of grandparents aunties and uncles and their cousins. She has always been like this and she didn't breastfeed because the kids don't just belong to her they belong to everyone. Her kids are lovely and are so polite and well brought up and sometimes I think she has got it right!!!! She never tires of them because she doesn't see them all the time and she has a wonderful life as 'herself' and not as just a mum. I just wish I had someone who would look after my kids for me so I could have a break- just one night away a year would do me!!! I just really resent them sometimes because they all have so much help they always seem to be doing something for themselves. On the other hand I have a group of friends where I live now who live for their children live a completely different lifestyle to my other friends but who always seem stressed and run ragged like me but whose most proudest achievement in life is that they have never spent a night away from their children!!! I know everyone is different and we all have different parenting styles but so wish I was them and I feel bad saying that and I know for a fact they would hate to be me as they say they would feel completely stifled!!!

OP posts:

Quinteszilla · 27/04/2014 13:54

They have chosen to work, and have built up a support network around themselves, with child care. This naturally lend itself to weekend trips holidays and evenings out. The set-up is already there. You have made a different choice - to be with your children, so that's what you have got.

Original poster

peppajay · 27/04/2014 14:00

I love my children dearly and love being with them but because I have no one willing to help I can do very little without them and I am finding it really hard because I have to miss out on so much. They seem to have it so right and the child free time they get and the time they get to spend together as friends is what keeps them sane!!! Just feeling a bit trapped as a mum at the mo!!!!!

OP posts:

Quinteszilla · 27/04/2014 14:03

I am sorry bu that's what happens when you move away from family and base your family dynamics around ONE person to do child care- you.

If this set up no longer works for you I suggest yo look into going back to work and look into child care for your children.

It is only a few years till they are in school!

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mrsbucketxx · 27/04/2014 14:06

Id be jealous too, maybe you could get together with your new freinds and take it in turn to look after each others chikdren for a few hours.

You need some time to be you too.

violator · 27/04/2014 14:08

I felt completely stifled as a sahm too. So I went back to work and since then life seems more balanced. I have friends who love being at home and don't want to spend time away from their children, and other friends who would go batty without their jobs and nights away from the house.
Whatever works for you ... but it seems your current set-up isn't working for you?

Yama · 27/04/2014 14:08

You have to think about whether you have the means to get away for one night. You say your hubby won't have his children. Have you asked?

It would probably make a lot of difference.

rubyslippers · 27/04/2014 14:10

Why can't your DH have them?

Even over a weekend - bit being arsey but why?

I understand GPs not wanting them for 5 days +

Lilaclily · 27/04/2014 14:13

My dh has my two when I go away with friends
It works for him because he gets weekends away too

Is it a money thing though?
I work part time so feel justified in spending some of the cash in me iyswim

NormHonal · 27/04/2014 14:17

How old are your DCs? I'm a SAHM living away from my home town and have felt like you for the past few years, but with my youngest now almost 3yo and able to articulate his needs, the idea of using babysitters has started to appeal more and I even have a girlie weekend booked. It will do DH good to have the DCs for a weekend!

Creamycoolerwithcream · 27/04/2014 14:17

Do you ever see your new friends without your DC or have them over when your DC are in bed. You have to work with the situation you have. You don't have your other friend's lives but perhaps you could get more out of yours.

Original poster

peppajay · 27/04/2014 14:17

Even if I stayed in my home town my parents wouldn't look after my children they will see them for a few hours but they are not interested in doing any type of child care. My partner can't cope because I have always done everything because no one has really been around to offer help my kids just cry and scream for me!! My youngest starts school in Sept so will be looking for work then. My friends are lucky because they have this network of people to look after their kids so they can work it makes my fAmily seem really selfish because none of them have any interest in doing any type of child care for us!!

OP posts:

Creamycoolerwithcream · 27/04/2014 14:20

Your family are not selfish, your friends are fortunate.

Fuckeroo · 27/04/2014 14:22

Your partner can't cope with looking after his own children for one night?

Fuck that shit. Book yourself a night in a hotel, right now. This is a ridiculous state of affairs and you aren't doing either of you any favours.

Original poster

peppajay · 27/04/2014 14:26

I do see my new friends quite often we go to the pub or meet at someone's house which is lovely but they are such different people to my old friends a few work part time and are definitely the happiest! Finance does have something to do it because I don't have my money I find it hard to say to my partner I am off away for a weekend and spending his money!! It just seems to me the happiest people seem to be those who spend less timee with their children and us mums who spend time with them seem constantly stressed. I thought having children and spending time with them was supposed to be the best thing in the world but it seems those whose kids belong to an extended family seem to definitely have the best outlook on life!!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 27/04/2014 14:27

Your partner needs to step up and start being much more involved in your dc day to day lives. You do have someone to look after your dc - their father!!!!

rubyslippers · 27/04/2014 14:32

Peppa

You seem to have and white black outlook on life

There's balance to be had

I am FT working mum - I wouldn't describe myself as unstressed and happier than those people I Know who are SAHM

We're all just balancing stuff

MsBumble · 27/04/2014 14:32

You need to have a frank conversation with your partner then, because being honest it sound ridiculous that he can't look after his children for long enough to even allow you a night out once a month.

I have friends in the same position as you, and I don't envy them because it would kill me to never have any time to myself.

Just having an evening to yourself here and there can do wonders for your mood and self-esteem. Talk to your partner, his parents, your parents etc. talk about hiring a babysitter. People may be more willing to help if they understand that you are feeling a bit trapped and unhappy.

morethanpotatoprints · 27/04/2014 14:38

Hello OP

Are you really missing out on anything?
If you feel like this normally then I think you may need to find a job and join your friends.
I too am a sahm but think their lifestyle sounds shallow and even if I did manage a few days away would miss my dc like mad.
It also helps if you don't look at it as his money, we have never done this. You would have to pay for a cleaner, cook, childcare etc, so its just as much your money as his, its for the family.
Do you have a joint account that you manage, then you can see how much is left at the end of each month and budget accordingly.

Serenitysutton · 27/04/2014 14:39

I thin you need to think about how much this bothers you. Is it a distant "that looks nice" or a real sense of wanting it? Because you can work towards getting it, you just need to
Think outside the box a bit.

But do be careful not to make yourself a martyr OP. That's very difficult to come back from.

Serenitysutton · 27/04/2014 14:41

Also- have a think whether this is unusual for you. Some people are grass is always greener types. Changing their lives will just promote envy of someone else, it's the general discontent that needs to be dealt with. But if you recognise that you friends obviously don't have perfect lives, but do have something you quite fancy a bit of, go for it

superram · 27/04/2014 14:44

I am a wohm one day a week. I wfh the other 4 days. I need to have more 'proper' work. Just made that decision today. Need to start looking for work today!

Original poster

peppajay · 27/04/2014 19:35

I think part of the fact is that when they go away nothing is done by halves and never for one night always 3 nights plus never a cheap B and B always a 4 star hotel. So most of the trips away etc are nearly always 300 pounds plus and as I don't earn my own money that is a lot of money to pay out for, that could pay for a couple of weekends away as a family! I just wonder if sometimes I do too much for my kids and not enough for myself. I am always running here and there to swimming lessons or dancing and beavers and brownies then there is the parades and shows that go with them that takes up a lot of time, their kids so nothing as they say otherwise they would flat broke and they wouldn't be able to go away as much as the kids activities would take precedence. I have had a big chat with my hubby this afternoon about it all and if I was wanting to go away to a cheap B and B for a night he would have no problem looking after them but his problem is everything is always 3 nights plus and costs a lot of money! He doesn't begrudge paying out for kids activities but does begrudge paying out for me to stay in luxury and £££££'s of drinks!! If I worked he agreed it would be different but the amount we would have to pay out in childcare would still mean we wouldn't have much left to spend on luxury weekends away and he did have a point when we added up what we spend on extra curriicular activities he said if we stopped these things we could afford for me to go away once a year but but not 4 or 5 like they do but don't think I could do that to my kids so realising it is a bit more financial than just the fact I have no child care. And if I earned my own money don't think I could justify blowing it all on weekends away! So he has agreed that I do need do a bit more for myself and will pay for a spa day for me but a day for £70 in a local spa instead of a 3 day break for £300 in a luxury spa 50 miles away!!

OP posts:

Creamycoolerwithcream · 27/04/2014 19:51

When my DC were young I worked a couple of evenings a week and used the money to put DS3 in nursery a few mornings a week partly to get time for myself. I also joined a lovely gym and put the DC in the crche to do something for me. Would getting a small part time job work for you. How about planning a once a year night away and see how you get on. You do sound a bit disapproving of yours friends choice to do things for themselves and at the same time jealous. Do your DC need so many activities? Could you just not renew one and use the money to get your nails and eyebrows or whatever done? Doing things for yourself doesn't make you a worse mother.

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