My daughter hates me, adores her dad

[alikat724]

So am seeking some advice over on Relationships/Divorce regarding separation from H; we agreed to end our marriage this morning, after 2+ years of turmoil. Our 2.5 yo DD has always been a daddy's girl, but usually very loving and affectionate towards me as well. However, whenever our situation has worsened, she has always become very negative towards me, kicking, hitting and now telling me she doesn't like me, wants her daddy, etc etc. She has consistently seemed more "attached" to him, and this has been the situation since I stopped breast feeding at 18 months. When he works away, we bond beautifully, but as soon as he returns, the situation deteriorates again. I think many factors contribute - I drop her at nursery 4 days a week, while he does the pickups so is the one who "rescues her"; he has a 16 yo son who she also adores and they have a "unit" that I can't replicate and to which I am always an outsider; when we are having problems, I still maintain cocktail banter/civilities while he is rude and brusque towards me so she observes his negativity towards me whereas that isn't replicated from my side. Now we are going to separate, I am hoping that the problem will solve itself as she doesn't feel the need to choose between us.

My question is, has anyone had any experience with their child having such a strong preference for dad and, if so, what are the long term outcomes?

Thanks for all advice/support!...xx

Kids learn manipulation extremely young. She's just playing one against the other. It's typical. She doesn't mean it, but if she's keeping it up something is rewarding her for the behavior be it extra attention from you or more favorable treatment from dad. Just stay calm and tell her that behavior is unacceptable, put her in timeout and leave it at that. Don't give her the reaction she's looking for. She doesn't have to like you, but she does have to be respectful.

Me and my brother did it to our parents, saying we loved one more than the other to get things. They came down hard on that. Kids alternate between one favorite over the other during different times in their lives. I hated my mom as a teenager and we get along amazingly now.

Thank you so much Princess. I know what she's getting from it - additional approval and attention from her dad, he coddles and asks me what I've done to her!!! This will obviously be redundant when we are no longer together, but a lesson learnt so young is going to be difficult to undo.

Do you tend to do the disciplining and dad the fun times? That will also play a role and I'm afraid that children of divorced parents continue to play them off against each other. What will her living arrangements be like once you've split? Absolutely the best thing for her would be if you and her dad could agree on rules and disciplining strategies that are the same, regardless of who she is with.

Lasting, I'm afraid if we could agree on anything we wouldn't be getting divorced so highly unlikely that we will find common ground on discipline. We have completely different parenting styles - he will watch animated movies with her with a dummy in her mouth all day with an occasional stint of drawing at a push, I am more the cooking-painting-reading type, and never allow a dummy during the day. So things are much more relaxed with them, while doing/learning with me is more challenging. I'm clearly the bad guy, but don't know what else to do, following his lead may score me some points but I doubt it would be to her benefit!

I thought as much alikat. You will have to hold the boundaries firm, even if in the future she rebels against you terribly because "dad let's me do all of those things". Once she's an adult she will (hopefully) thank you. You're in a difficult situation and want what is best for your daughter - she is lucky to have you as a mum.

My DD has always been a daddy's girl. She wouldn't hold my hand to cross the road if he was also there. Wouldn't sit on my lap, always wanted him to bath her etc etc.
I've been in tears many times.
All I can say is that its far better now. She's 6.
She'll always be daddy's girl, but things are more equal now.
Keep loving her, she'll come to you when she's ready.

Thank you what. That is heartening.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I also have a two year old who only has eyes for her daddy. It's very, very hard. People tell me that it's simply a stage that could turn around tomorrow. I've also heard that dads are always the superstars, especially for little girls. Mums who are just there all the time, doing the daily stuff, provide constancy and routine that the child may not be aware of. But it's still desperately important for their wellbeing. And you know you're providing the environment she needs for growth. While your ex is simply babysitting her.

I would be prepared for your DD to perhaps punish you while she is with you at first. It's going to be difficult for her without her dad and she may act out that way, especially if you show that it's getting to you. Any small child without one parent will find that a huge change.

she is 2.5.she doesn't know how to hate! she is trying to keep you all together in her clumsy little way.

My 3 year old is very much a daddy's girl. She adores him. He does all her nightly routines (apparently he's better at scary voices than I am ). DH works all day so she doesn't see him until after 3pm and spends every minute close to him. Like you, when he's not there we have a lovely time but I also talk about DH when doing things "daddy would love that picture"... "daddy would be so proud" just things like that.

However when she's ill or grumpy she comes to me for cuddles and mama's special hot chocolate .

I think it's a great testament that she has such a good relationship. I do agree with other posters too. Sounds like she's wanting attention anyway she can get it and maybe she finds it easier to get a reaction from you than it is her dad.

You may not agree on parenting styles but would you both be able to sit down, "When she is with me I want to disipline/treat her this way. You don't have to like it but can you accept it?" And maybe set a few firm rules so that even if you have different parenting styles you both agree on a few things, for example; no smacking. Just a suggestion.

I hope things do calm down for you and that you and your lovely daughter can build a stronger unqiue bond :)

Your head must be all over the place.

Hate is a strong word. I do know someone who could have written your post so do see where you're coming from. In her case she had a loyal SIL who told her that out of her earshot the father really disrespected her and encouraged her DC to prefer him.

The book I was searching for is
"It's Not Your Fault Koko Bear" by Vicki Lanski which is highly recommended for young DCs and meant to be talked over with parents.

Just checked in after a long MN break trying to sort stuff out. Thank you all for your kind words, and particulary the book recommendation Donkeys. Feeling very confused, H and I have come back from the brink - AGAIN - and are trying to work things through. DD is consequently being very loving towards me again. I don't know what to do, I know he is much better at being "happy" around her when things are bad between us than I am, so I think possibly this could be my fault, in that she picks up on my sadness and unhappiness and doesn't want any part of it, which is very understandable. I am just so confused and torn, I want what is best for her but right now do not know what that is.