Persistent bullying at primary school- thoughts needed please

[ThornOfCamorr]

Quick background- my daughter is almost 8 and since reception she has had problems with the same child. It was very physical in the beginning,scratching biting hitting etc and school helped us to deal with it but each year after a few months the behaviour from the other child begins again.

We have reached year 3 now and just had enough. This year the bullying- school were reluctant to use this word for the last few years- has changed a little.Now the child has started to get other children to exclude my daughter. The latest of many incidents was to make out my daughter had done something to upset another girl and the two of them sat pretend crying and my poor girl had no idea what she had done. I should add my daughter is very uncomplicated,quiet and loves to read. She is so kind and thoughtful. Her teacher says exactly the same.

I have seen her self esteem take a dip this year due to the constant things this child says to her. We have helped our daughter to find ways of managing the other child's behaviour,walking away,being assertive and choosing different friends. School did begin a nurturing programme which seemed to fizzle out and the other parent will not speak to me as she thinks we are 'picking' on her child. There were so many physical hurts this child inflicted on mine it could not be ignored and the parent apologised initially but now chooses to blame us.

We have again spoken to school as the child became quite physical this week as well as other destructive behaviour such as drawing on my daughters coat, crushing her,refusing to let go then taunting her saying 'not going to tell your mum are you?' She is quite strong and forceful towards my daughter and I am simply at a loss with what to do next. My daughter can deal very well with petty playground behaviour but this child pursues her and creates very uncomfortable situations. They are now in separate classes but I cannot believe it has continued throughout my daughters school life. I have been a parent for 22 years and never came across this type of situation. We have followed the correct channels through school but nothing is changing. Has anyone else experienced this?

My daughter simply wants to be left alone and she enjoys school but the other child almost seems obsessed with her.

I would guess the ex-friend can remember bullying someone at school and has justified it to herself that the victim deserved it. Because if your DD had been autistic how could you expect nice children like her not to bully?

I'm nearly 40 and still think I deserved to be bullied because I was swotty. FFS. Well at least I know I'm not a bitch

Kundry I'm the same as you: secretly believe I deserved it for being all the things they said I was. It's
astonishing how ingrained it is. I've had counselling galore but it's still there and I am 41. but this is good for the OP to know, I hope, as it might make her feel better about undergoing the upheaval of a new school. Or, if that is her choice, kicking up such a stink at the school that it cannot be ignored.

Move schools - not because of the girl but because the school isn't dealing with it. The buck stops with them. If she is almost 8 this will have been going on for 4 years. All of infants and first year of juniors is long enough for them to take control of the situation.

Re: the other parents, what they do is ultimately out of your control. The school has to manage children with or without the support of parents.

Hi to all who have helpfully posted. tess your post has made me cry but please do not feel bad about that- if anything because of events today it's made me realise there is actually a better option, no matter how much upheaval it may seem for our children to move schools. So thank you. I haven't been online as had a rather significant birthday and a surprise party which was completely unexpected,so haven't been around. It was such a fantastic family weekend.

After a positive couple of days last week things for dd have regressed again.Dd was able to have nothing to do with the other child at school,she stayed away from dd after the teachers latest intervention. The child in question started a club after school today which dd has been going to for 6 months and loves. We didn't know she had joined.

I collected dd today and she was just so upset. Not crying but very very angry. During the class the child had grabbed and squeezed her and hurt her much in the same way as during school and would not let go. She shoved her and did the crushing thing. Dd did exactly as her teacher had said telling the girl she did not like it, let go etc etc but she refused to leave her alone. It happened in the changing room after class so the club teacher wouldn't have seen.Dd didn't know here to start to explain to the teacher and told me as soon as she could so I went in straight away and asked the club teacher to speak to dd's class teacher to back up everything. It is a school club but run by an outside group and we had no idea the other child had joined. Dd is devastated as she loves her group. The teacher was great but she doesn't know how long everything has been going on as yet.

I had to walk past the child's mother who was outside happily chatting. It is against the schools wishes for me to speak directly to the other parent yet they were not intending to speak to her. I am considering keeping dd at home as she asked tonight and speaking to school by phone. She just has had enough. As have I. I cant imagine how it must feel to have someone maul you everyday against your wishes.I need school to keep the child away from dd and someone needs to make sure she knows she cannot physically touch dd. I need to see that happen as does dd. I doubt it will. I will be the one in trouble for keeping dd at home won't I?

We've been there & then some with DD & I would love to type more, but it's late & I'm exhausted, so will need to be brief...

This link could be useful to you for further help & advice ...

HERE

& we had a very similar situation with DD - it won't get better, because the school aren't tackling the problem & sadly IME that just sets a precident that allows DCs prone to this type of behaviour to believe they are untouchable & it will only get worse - if not with this girl, with others as your DD will fall further & further into the victim role & her self esteem will be crushed & other DCs will target her too.

Mine was never quiet, always bubbly, bright, clever & very popular, she also loved to read & do her work well & throughout her time in her last primary school she was a target for this sort of behaviour - that was despite her also being very feisty & refusing to fall into line with the toxic friend who grew to be the ring leader bully - it's escalates & gets worse because the school don't donthere job & tackle it effectively.

I thought fighting & winning was a better life lesson for my DD than running away - we did fight & win - again & again with several different DCs - even this girl ended up being removed from the school by her DM who realised there genuinely was a problem & moved her to a much stricter religious school in the hope of sorting her out

But the girl that was her side kick took over & then there was others - boys looking for DDs attention & not getting it & getting nasty

I ended up with a DD so worryingly fragile that I removed her from school part way through year 6 & home schooled for a term - something had to give & I wasn't going to let it be DDs mental health

She's now in a new primary school to continue year 6 & what a difference this school is, no nonsense accepted with bullying at all - I now have my bright, bubbly popular girl back

My only regret - that I didn't do it years ago - it's not the toxic friend that's at fault - she is after all still a DC herself - it's the school who are letting both your DD & this girl down by not tacking the "bullying behaviour" efficiently & therefore not teaching those who behave in this way that you don't get away with it.

I echo those who say find a better school, your DDs current one are failing in there duty if care - move on

In the mean time, lots of out of school activities where she can make new friends to boost her self esteem - youth club for example

Good luck

Oh & having read your last update - don't be afraid to tell your DD it's okay to break the rules & hit back when the other DCs is getting so physical with her - the side kick that continued bullying DD was like this & at a party away from school my DD snapped & smacked her back real hard - she continued with the taunting - but she never hit her again

Their, not there & a million other typos

Just move. This isn't about your daughter. This is about the school being incompetent and not being able to manage the environment. It is likely that your daughter isn't the only child suffering unnecessarily there.

Oh, & with your DDs club that the toxic friend has now joined - your own DD no doubt has a proven track record of good behaviour there & the "school mate" mum will have had to sign a behavioural policy agreeing that her DD behaves or is out -

speak with the club organisers & explain the situation & that your DD is already a victim of bullying by this girl in school & let them know what happened when changing & how it made your DD feel - trust me they don't have the same inclusion polices as schools & would much rather lose a DC who breaks the rules & causes trouble, than a well behaved one such as your DD -

we had this with DDs toxic friend too, she started trying to following her to out of school activities, even signing herself up for one I ran myself after school - I said no, even at the height of the bullying, as far as the school were concerned, I couldn't, as they "have to be inclusive" the little madam had only signed up to get to DD after school too - DDs YC on the other hand took no nonsense & she was out within weeks - so speak up!

Thanks so much rockinhippy for taking the time to reply. Didn't notice the typos dd went to school and we had a long chat all the way there. She is doing a topic she finds really interesting and we agreed she shouldn't have to miss out because of the other child.

I spoke to her teacher about yesterday's incident and she immediately said she will take action and they will have the child's parents in ASAP. This didn't happen before in the same way. Dd felt she was being taken seriously but we are not in any way confident as yet we need to see what actually happens next.

I also sent a comprehensive but succinct email to the head more for myself to get everything recorded in writing and to ensure there are no facts I missed as sometimes meetings seem rushed and it's hard to remember everything. I wanted it clearly written what happened at the club and to make it very obvious dd was vulnerable and I want a plan of action in writing this time. Whilst all this is going on I am also looking into moving dd and what further action we can take as parents.

Right now, in the summer term, is a very good time to move a child for a fresh start. The child gets to know their classmates and settles before the long holiday and doesn't have to worry about being "the new one" in September.

I know that in theory the school should sort it out and I sau that as a school governor. But every miserable day has an impact on a child and if you have had nearly four years in the school it is time to cut your losses and move your dd.

Just spotted your updates Thorn, sorry to hear about the club but pleased to hear that it sounds as if action is being taken.

Sending everything to the Head in writing sounds like a very good idea. I hope s/he has taken it seriously. I would keep an ongoing diary of all incidents in as factual a way as possible i.e. date, what happened, any action taken. The teacher DD had in Yr 1 would always try to minimise things - "they just go a bit carried away in the playground" "he wiped his nose in her hair as he couldn't find a tissue and wasn't thinking" etc. You can then get dragged into arguing about a single incident. IF you can show an ongoing pattern of behaviour it fits with the definition of bullying and should be easier to make them take it seriously.

Good luck with looking at possible moves. I do feel that DD had reached a point her identity within the class was defined by being a victim and I think that is very hard to break.

I've just spotted your updates too - that all sounds positive & big yes to making a paper trail with emails etc - BUT, from my own experience be very aware of how the HT is responding to your emails - do they email back, or do they stop you & speak in person ?

I found with DDs old HT that all this was also promised, but I became very aware of the fact that she never replied to any emails, so as not to commit herself in print - if this happens then if our experience is anything to go by, it's a sign the HT is basically fobbing you off & doing so very cleverly, so do keep an eye on that.

Otherwise, I hope your experience is different & it all works out for you & your DD - good luck :)

I should have made that more clear - HT never replied to emails as regards the bullying or other issues - she did always reply quickly to emails as regards anything else