How can I cope without my mum???

[Millie3030]

Hi,

I didn't really know where to write this and maybe the parenting board isn't the right one. But my mum was yesterday diagnosed with lung and liver cancer and it doesn't look good, if she makes it to next year it will be amazing. It's generally just relieving symptoms is all they can do now.

All my mum had dreamed of for the last ten years is grandchildren, she has been on and on at me to have a child as she has been so excited. My DS is 9 months old, my mum is completely I love with him, besotted even, and was going to have him for 3 days a week when I return to work in 4weeks. And now this means she won't be able to look after him,take him to the zoo, days out, jumping in puddles all the things he has been telling me she has been looking forward too for such a long time.

I'm so numb and so sad for her, and my little boy that won't know his Nan. How can life be so cruel? I wish he could have just had a few more years to know her, and a few more years for her to enjoy him. I can't believe I have to raise a little boy without my mum, I don't know how I can do it. I don't think I have any tears left in me.

Is there anyone else that has lost their mum when their LO was small? How did you cope? Xxx

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum.

My mum died unexpectedly and suddenly when ds was 2. I was 23 at the time and for the first time in years I didn't feel like an adult iykwim? I felt as though I may as well have been 10 rather than 23 for the shock and upheaval it caused to me.

My mum was besotted with my ds. It took her a long time to have children of her own so a grandchild was more than she ever hoped for. Not being able to watch her spoil him and be he best grandma in the world is so hard an I hate that they have both lost out on having that experience.

You will carry on, you will manage. It will probably be tough and still not a day goes by that I don't think about my mum.

Big unmumsnetty hugs x

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I was pregnant with my youngest ds when my mum was diagnosed with cervical cancer, he was four weeks old when she was told it was terminal and she had 2 months to live. She lived for a year and died just before Christmas.

There's nothing that can make it better or take the pain away. One of the things that was so hard for me is knowing my DCs were so young and wouldn't remember her or get to have the great relationship that I had with my nan. It seems impossible now but you will get through this, one hour, one day at a time.

I took lots of photos of my mum withy DCs and one with me even though she always hated having her photo taken. I can't look at them yet but knowing I have them helps. I also got my mum a life journal which had lots of questions like 'where did you grow up' and 'what was my parent like as a child', its called something like Grandma with love from you to me, so the questions are designed like its the grandchild asking them. My mum always said she never knew what to write so it was a good way of leaving a record of her life.

You have a rough road ahead but use this time to make memories, take lots of photos of her with your ds and try to take comfort that she got to meet him.

((((((Hugs)))))

I'm so sorry to hear this. I have no advice at all. But I'm crying tears for you if that helps.

Xx

Sending hugs sweetie!!

My mil was diagnosed with terminal cancer the day I had my dd and was given a few weeks to live. She lasted 9 weeks so saw lots of dd in that time and we took pics eto. She has time so try and enjoy it and not let the sadness take over.

Thank you ladies. It's such a strange feeling, yesterday I felt stronger and muddled through the day ok, today I'm pretty much staring at the wall in my dressing gown, crying. I know it will be like this for a while.

My sister was saying to me that I'm lucky to have a little boy, as it's a distraction from all of this, that she doesn't have, and also that at least mum got to meet him. I know I have to look at the silver lining in all this as there isn't anything else I can do.

It makes me realise how important mums are, i always just expected my mum to be there, not forever, but at least until she was 65/70. She is only 59. I'm spending today with her, and my LO is a very good distraction, all giggly and crawling around, causing mischief. It gives us all something to focus on. I will take lots of photos, and give her lots of time with my DS, as that's what makes her happy.

I can't see me being able to cope with this. :-(

I'm going to look for that book on Amazon now x

My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer more or less around the date my Dd was due, and died when she was five months old. it is a terribly sad situation, as he just adored her, and I completely understand how you feel - he will now miss out on the experience of being a granddad to her as she grows up, and she will not have the chance to know and remember him. I can't bear it sometimes. But the only thing that gives me comfort is to think that a part of his spirit (as in eg spirit of adventure, not woo spirit!) lives on in her - she is determined and adventurous, fun and loving, like he was. I try to think of things I will enable her to do that he would have loved, for example travel, loving the outdoors etc. I will make sure she always hears about him, and I try to talk about him with her in a normal sort of a way. It's still incredibly hard and I can hardly bear looking at pictures of them together as it makes me so sad. It gets a little easier day by day.

Lots of un mumsnetty hugs as they say, look after yourself.

My Mum died last Saturday.

I have no idea op but hold my hand and I'm holding yours xxxxx

Oh Millie, I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. My mum died a month before ds's 3rd birthday, four years ago. I remember feeling devastated at the thought that ds wouldn't know my mum whilst growing up, and I was heartbroken for my mum as I knew she would have been so angry that she wasn't there for my ds. She absolutely adored him
It is such a difficult thing to go through, and I miss my mum every day, even years on. I still sometimes go to ring her - we used to talk several times a day. Goodness knows how I've coped, but I have. Time goes by, the pain eases slightly, and you start to realise that your mum equipped you with all the tools needed to carry on with the rest of your life. It's the most awful thing to have to do, but you will do it.
In a way I wish I'd known that the end was near for her. The evening she died I tried to ring her but got call waiting. I was tired and decided to call her the next morning instead. By then it was too late. I will regret that forever.
As for ds, as much as she can be my mum is still a big part of his life. We talk about her all the time, and I try my best to describe to him what she would have done or said in different situations. Talking about her has got easier with time. My dd was born three months ago, and I am so very sad that she never met my mum. All we can do is tell her about her, and how very special she was.
There was a saying I came across in the aftermath of her death, which we actually had put on her headstone - "Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day". This is so true. My mum was such a huge presence in my life that even now I know what she would say or advise - I really do feel like she's beside me encouraging me and helping me stay strong.
I'm wishing you lots of strength to get through the journey ahead, and I hope you manage to fit in lots of special times with your mum xxx

Troopers, I'm so sorry to hear about your mum too, I'm so sad for you

Wow, it's crazy we all know we will lose out parents but when I read all your sadness too it's makes my cry again. There are so many of us struggling with the death of a parent, but your strength is helping me, knowing that you have continued to be mums, and even had second children shows life just has to go on, here is no other option. :-(

Troopers, I'm so so sorry. I am holding your hands and giving you a hug right now. I hope you can feel some strength to just get by day by day.

I think just taking every day 1 at a time is a good thing, Saturday I actually felt quite strong, my friend that lost her dad to MND a year ago came and gave me a hug and some advice and it did help a lot. But yesterday, I wasn't too strong and spent the morning sat on the floor in my dressng gown staring at the wall and crying, whilst trying to play with my son (Husband working all weekend.) I think talking and not bottling things up helps.

This post helps just knowing ther people have got through it. Xxxx

You know what Millie, I'm just so relieved she's not suffering. I hope your Mum will not get to that point.

I've been in the park all day (where we took Mum) with a picnic and DH and DD and it's been lovely.

I've topped up my vitamin D and feel a million times better. All the worry and guilt has gone - and I got loads of good advice on the elderly parents board.

I'm not sure if that fits for you. But all the lovely people told me to keep posting and I would get advice and hand holding.

Feel free to PM me too xxxx

Ps crying is good. And mahoouasive hugs for you too. Xxx. Xxx.

Millie, it's helped me a million percent that Mum loved my dd to bits.

I used to send her tonnes of pictures of dd and it really helps to know that on her last trip round her ward, she was carrying pics of us.

X and you will get through this. X

.... Feel like I'm hijacking the thread! Thank you shrooms

So sorry millie and trooper :(

My mum died when DD1 was 9 months old. Having DD around in the immediate aftermath did help as life had to go on, but it was also around the time that she started doing new things - crawling, pulling herself up and then walking - and my first instinct was to call Mum to tell her :(

I have photos of Mum which I intended to put up so she was a familiar face to the girls, but it's been nearly 3 years and I still can look at them.

You will cope, you have to, but it is hard.

Wishing you strength at this difficult time.

*can't look at them

My Mum died when my dc were 6, 3 and 10months, then my Dad dies a year later (my sis died 10 weeks before my Mum). Only ds remembers them, and that's fairly vague.
I can't tell you it's not hard. I can't tell you I don't well up even now (ds is about to turn 18) at special occasions when I really feel the gap of them not being there. But you survive. You get on with life, and you make sure that your dc have other people in their lives they can share those special moments with (when the first tooth comes out, when they get picked for something at school, when they get invested at cubs or whatever).
It helps if you have photos of them together, and video footage now, while she's still looking well and like your Mum.
Sorry you're having to deal with this now. It's hard, but you will find the strength.

Wow Backforgood that was a lot to take, 3 family members, you poor thing. It gives me strength that you got through the other side.

Great advice from everyone, I have been taking a lot of photos the last few days of all family members with my DS, and I have ordered the grandparent book from Amazon, but not sure how I will give it to my mum without it seeming a bit morbid, but maybe I will say I ordered it weeks ago.

Had a stronger day today, kept myself busy and tried not to let my mind linger on it too much just trying to make practical decisions about the future. Looking for nurseries for my DS, or a childminder, as go back to work soon and my mum was going to have him, so not sure what I will do this short notice, I thought you had to book nurseries a year in advance?

How are you doing troopers? Xx