Really worried about ds

[musica]

I know there have been a couple of threads about toddlers not eating etc. but I thought I would start a new one, as it is not just that I'm worried about. Ds is 2 years 9 months. He eats virtually nothing. He is skin and bone, and when he is undressed he looks like a skeleton. All the vertebrae in his back poke out, as do his ribs. He has loads of energy and doesn't seem to need much sleep, but in a typical day he will eat maybe half a piece of toast for breakfast, and possibly one teaspoonful of rice krispies, a piece of bread for lunch, and one or two teaspoonfuls of baked beans or peas for tea. He might eat a little pasta, but basically that is it. I give him fromage frais as well, which he will eat about 75% of the time.

He is also quite 'stressy' at the moment. This may be a reaction to dd, who is 7 months, who he adores, but I know they can have anxieties coming out in different ways. He is panic stricken at the thought of us leaving him, or not taking him when we go out. When dh comes home he says 'I found you - You came back!'. He has started waking in the night as well. We haven't managed to potty train him yet - we had a go but he got really stressed about it, so we're leaving it till after Easter.

I'm just getting really worried that I'm doing something really wrong, or neglecting him or something. I wouldn't worry about the food except that he is SO thin at the moment.

Sorry this is so long!

Tough one, musica. With the eating I think I would be inclined to take him to your GP, and have him checked over, just for reassurance. Children apparently never "starve" themselves - if he is a little bundle of energy, he's probably burning off most of what he takes in. My ds2 ( 2 years, 3 months) is a little underweight for his age (and tall with it) but he mostly eats reasonably well, though does have a few days at a stretch where he hardly eats at all. He must burn everything off though as the only time he is still is when he's asleep.

I would just keep trying to tempt him with little and often meals and snacks - maybe he is overwhelmed with a lot on his plate? Can you get him involved in making the food (I know he is a bit little) but choosing from the fridge what he would like, helping to set the table, putting stuff on his oan plate? I'm not a great one for faffing with food but maybe in this case making smiley faces, and cutting sandwiches into funny shapes might be worth a try?

Re: the anxiety - maybe dates back to when you had his sister (did you have her in hospital?). They do often go through very clingy stages and they always pass (though they are stressful while they last). I would just keep reassuring him as much as possible - he's too little to articulate what is bothering him, even if he knows himself. Waking in the night is probably part of the same thing - just general anxiety, needing a bit of reassurance etc.

Potty training - sod that, leave it til later, there is no rush and if you leave it til he's ready (ds1 was 3) it's a doddle, honestly

You are NOT doing anything wrong and you are NOT neglecting him! Some kids are just more challenging than others He's keeping you on your toes, is all.

See your GP re the food/skinniness etc. but everything else I honestly believe will pass with time.

marthamoo, thank you for your response! Dd was born at home, so there wasn't any separation, but I understand that even without that it is a huge change for him. That's a good idea re 'little and often' - you're right, it would be less daunting than a big plate of food. He weighs about 2 stone 1 at the moment, and is average height, so I don't know how that compares to your ds. He just looks so skinny.

Thanks very much for taking the time to write such a long response - I appreciate it!

Musica, I am a bit ahead of you on this road, so might eb able to help. Ds2 is the same, he's 3. I would suggest taking him to the gp, getting him checked out and asking to be referred to a dietician. They will give you a diet sheet to fill out over a few days before your appointment (mine was a 3 day sheet), so they can look at what he is given v what he actually eats, and advise you from there. Ds2 had a host of blood tests to rule out any underlying causes, like ceoliac disease as well. They were all negative, and the dietician is happy with the diet he gets, so he is now on a supplemental food drink, called Fortini. It's like a milk shake, with extra calories and added fibre. He could virtually live on it if he decided to go on hunger strike. It comes om prescription. Coincidentally he will be weighed tomorrow,for the first time since he started it about 6 weeks ago. Hopefully it has done the job, he certainly feels a bit heavier.

If I can answer any questions you have I will.

Just saw how much he weighs, ds2 is about the same, but slightly less.

Hi musica, no advice on the food front (except little and often sounds good - also what about making sure there's fruit and stuff around that he can help himself to? I know you'd have to peel a banana but if it was there maybe he'd think of it, just a thought) but I agree on leaving the potty training. It won't hurt to leave it longer and he'll probably get it very quickly if you leave it til he's good and ready. I'm sure it's nothing you're doing though so please stop worrying about neglect!

No trouble, musica. And lou has obviously been wher you are now. Will weigh ds2 tomorrow (if I can get him to stand still on the scales long enough) as I would be interested to know what he weighs (bad Mummy hasn't taken him to clinic for...oooh..ever!)

musica- ds1 is dreadful at eating - and I find that little and often is the best way. I also hide things in food- such as hemp seeds in his bread (very rich in oils). Multivitamins and iron go into a freshly squeezed orange.

As for the sibling thing. It took ds1 a good 18 months to get over ds2's arrival. maybe longer. Initially he was absolutely traumatised (it was awful- and that lasted for about 4 months- he was just under 2 and 3/4 when ds2 was born). Now he seems to quite like him, and completely accepts him being round. He gets quite jealous as well and will try and comandeer you in a sneaky way- a very normal sibling realtionship- but looking back it took a long time to get there.

The whole worrying about you leaving etc may just be developmental. He's getting to the age where he realises that people have lives that are separate to him. That is well developed by age 5- but the process is just beginning now.

musica, my SIL has struggled with her daughter's eating habits for the past couple of years. She's now 4 1/2 but still barely eats anything some days. DH and I looked after her last weekend and when I took her clothes off for a bath, her ribs were virtually sticking out under her skin. Anyway, it finally became too much for SIL, who took her to the paediatrician to ask for help.

He basically told her that they would have to start 'force-feeding' her a bit more, in other words insisting that she stays at the table until she's eaten a certain amount of food, and not allowing dd to just decide that she didn't want to eat. He also said 'just get some calories into her, at the moment it doesn't matter what she's eating as long as she's eating something'. I think he felt that weight gain was the most important thing for her and it didn't really matter too much what her diet consisted of for the time being. In other words if she wants two yogurts, give her two yoghurts, if she wants a chocolate-spread sandwich for breakfast, then let her have it.

It must be worrying for you, especially if your ds got sick - he would need a bit of body fat to keep him going. I hope you see an improvement soon with his eating.

P.S. My own ds always says "I found you," when dh or I come home. He'll say to me "I lost Mummy", if I've been out for a while... he doesn't seem disturbed by it, so maybe it's just a normal thing... not sure about that one.

Musica, I weighed ds2 this morning. Would it reassure you to know that at 2yrs 3months, height 92 cms, he weighs dead on 2 stone? We have skinny kids!

Hope you are feeling more positive today - ring GP and make an appointment, that's the first step

Thanks everyone for your responses. marthamoo - it is definitely reassuring to hear that your son is about the same weight. I'm not sure how tall ds is, but they sound pretty similar.

www - I'm going to try your idea about leaving food around - I think he's definitely a 'grazer' not a '3 meals a day' boy, and you're right, if there is fruit available he may just eat it when he feels hungry. I think he doesn't really recognise when he needs food, and gets grumpy (dh does this too - when he's really moody, if I give him some food he cheers up immediately!).

lou - that's really interesting about your ds. What prompted you to go to the doctor about it? And did you feel that you had stepped on to a never ending stream of questions about why he was thin? I'm pretty sure that ds is so thin because he doesn't eat, and in a way, I'd prefer to sort that out without making it into an issue with him. But I'd be really interested to hear what your experience was like.

Jimjams - I wondered too whether he had reached that stage where he was realising he was a separate person from us - i think you're absolutely right there. As far as the sibling thing goes, he adores dd, and is always really sweet to her, but I just wonder if any insecurity is coming out in different ways.

Lethal - that's really interesting that calories were the most important thing. I'm coming to this conclusion! Is your niece starting to put on some weight, or to eat more?

Thank you so much for your replies - I do feel reassured. I'm going to try one or two of the ideas here as well, and if that doesn't work then I'll take him to the GP - I'd just prefer not to be 'in the system' if you know what I mean.

Thanks again.

Musica, do you give him flapjacks, biscuits, vitamin-enriched chocolate milk etc? I'd agree - give him more of what he does like to eat - if anything. Chocolate, as we are always telling pg women, is a health food There is no way my son will be potty trained in three months either, sadly. Good luck.

Also, don't ask him if he wants stuff, he'll just say no out of habit, but pass him a digestive as you pass. Even my ds, who eats lots, will often to say no to things I know he wants, like a drink, so I just give it to him without comment. Also cake is good. Muffins, carrot cake etc. And you, of course, should join him for these 'meals' in particular

Good luck musica, let us know how you get on. If you are looking for a sliced bread with lots of nutritious oily seeds in it, the Vogel's range is excellent and really tasty.

Musica
haven't read whole thread so excuse if repeating.

Some thoughts that might help...This all sounds very familiar re: eating. My friends little boy was exactly the same at that age. He's a lot better at 4 yrs, but still no big eater - he is a grazer too. The doctor told my friend to look at her ds's fist - that's the size of his stomach. She found that was really useful to keep things in proportion.

Is your ds filling up on drinks? Juice and milk fill them up and make them less likely to want food. Sure you've thought of all this.....

His anxiety is COULD be linked to the baby or could just be part of his growing up and finding himself to be seperate from you. My DS went through all this after dd was born - he was a brilliant sleeper and then started waking up and coming into our room 'just to see you Mummy'. He also didn't want to go upstairs/ downstairs on his own, for a while it was hard to leave the room without him. It's normal and you just have to be patient, loving and ride it out. A new baby is a massive change for them to deal with. I still think ds is dealing with it 18 months after dd's arrival...(although things have settled down a lot) DD is changing all the time and so are the family dynamics.

My DS is 4.5 and weighs 2 st 9lbs!!

He is a very picky eater and seems to live on the same thing for weeks, ie; crumpets, or pasta, and I don't like to give him alternatives just because he says he doesn't like somethng he ate fine yesterday.

I think he does it on purpose as he know it winds us up, and he hears me moaning to friends about it. I try to chill out about it, but I agree it is very worrying.

Seems to have a load of energy though and believe it or not he doesn't look skin 'n' bone skinny !