Are these expectations too high?

[KillThemWithKindness]

DS is staying with his father and his family and I've had a fair few comments on his behaviour.

Bit of context: He is 4. He doesn't see them on a regular basis and this is only his second extended visit.

But today has been 'difficult' because he refused to take part in a shopping centre treasure hunt. He point blank refused to (after a very physical activity before hand) but the worst thing about it is that he "didn't even understand how upsetting his behaviour was to the others"

Now, the others all continued to take part in the hunt but His dad had to sit out with him as he refused all other offers of entertainment. He just wanted to sit down and do nothing/watch.

I can't help thinking this is an unfair reaction towards it. He is 4. I wouldn't expect him to have the empathy for that at his age. As far as he could see the others were off having fun.

I felt like I really had to defend him against them and it's made me feel really sad - like no one understands him etc.

DS is shy. He has a limit as far as social interactions go. I'm exactly the same and I am quite introverted - I like my own company and his dad is the same in many ways.

I would never expect DS to do something like this if he was uncomfortable with it. You can't force someone to have fun. And I certainly wouldn't expect him to see he was upsetting others either (especially if it wasn't obvious). Am I being precious about this?

How would you approach this? I felt a bit attacked to be honest. They commented about other things too but again these were what I would consider as 'normal for 4 year olds' I want to tell them they need to dial down their expectations but don't know how to.

Really missing my poor boy tonight

Of course it's normal behaviour!

It's not like he was hitting people, or breaking things. He just didn't want to take part and sat nicely and quietly instead. Weird people thinking that's bad behaviour.

Try as much as you can to laugh it off and say, goodness it must have been a while since you've looked after a 4 year old!

So sorry you're apart from your son. I'd hate it too. He'll be home before you know it.

Thanks Theyaremysunshine.

It's just hard to hear digs at your parenting I guess.

But worse that he might be stuck somewhere with these people who don't understand him or care for him like I do. Every ounce of me want's to go and get him now.

How long is he away for? Can you Skype tomorrow? Might reassure you that he's happy.

You could always offer to go and fetch him if they don't feel able to cope. (Should make them feel sufficiently guilty for whinging).

Thing is, everyone parents differently, and they don't know him well, so they are bound to feel the differences perhaps more acutely. Doesn't mean they should be complaining though. They should be going out of their way to make him feel comfortable, and hopefully they will be trying to in their own way.

He got a few more days. It's quite far and I have tickets for travelling booked.

We have been skyping everyday and he seems pretty happy.

But it's the annoying "we don't know what he's allowed to get away with at your house" comments that are hard to swallow.

The next visit will be kept shorter and only if contact has been more consistent before hand I think.

He is being compared to their other children too which is just horrible to hear. I just wanted to scream "I'm doing this all by myself since you decided to check out of 90% of his life!"

I shouldn't let them get to me but it's hard. People tell me all the time that he is a lovely little boy. He's never any real trouble and still so young in my eyes. I think I have probably babied him a bit.

Sounds like they're just using this as an excuse to get at you and wind you up. Just answer the "we don't know what he's allowed to get away with..." With "he's treated with love and respect and knows his boundaries here well. He's generally accepted to be a well behaved boy. Do you need some help or advice, I'm happy to give you some tips"

Shrug it off. If he's happy, that's all that really matters. Don't give them the satisfaction of showing you're upset. Be the bigger person, your son will be glad of it.

You are totally right, there is no way a child of four would get empathy, especially such a subtle form of it as this. Obviously they don't get it too well themselves.

And as for criticising your parenting style that is power for the course, just laugh that one off.

I got that all the time from my ex-MIL, who was otherwise brilliant, I have to say.

That sounds completely normal! My 4 year old is quite cautious in new situations, he will always sit and watch for a while, want me to join in etc. And the more you push time the more he retreats...... Even at his own birthday party he didn't join in for the first half hour!

Its not your parenting at all, its just his personality. My other son is full of confidence, runs off to new things without a backward glance and I'm the same mother to them both.

Thanks everyone.

I have calmed down a bit now. I know it's probably going to be a regular thing so I'll just have to develop a thicker skin and a heap of coping strategies.

Maybe a game of sly-dig Bingo :o