Siblings - older one indifferent to younger ...

[wishingchair]

And it's breaking my heart. They're 11 and 7. Older DD can be grumpy and indifferent with DD2. Younger one is desperate for some positivity, made her an Easter card etc etc. Got a: "that's nice" in return.

They can and do get on but seems it's always and only when DD1 is prepared to tolerate her.

I just find it so mean. I know DD1 isn't the parent but I just feel like she's had this charmed childhood where everything she did (that was desirable!) got positive reinforcement from us, and DD2 gets that from us too but indifference and negativity from her sibling.

Don't get me wrong, DD2 is not perfect. Fierce temper. DD1 is so lovely, but then acts the victim when after 15 mins of negativity from her, DD2 reacts negatively back. It's like she can't see the link between her own attitude and the attitudes of others.

Is this normal sibling behaviour? What can I do to change things? I'm the oldest so am probably looking back with same attitude as DD1 - that I was perfect big sister and any disagreements were caused by DB

My 11 year old is an only child so I can't speak out of experience with siblings. She is however very self centred at times and have recently developed an attitude about having to interact with younger children when we visit friends. So maybe it's an age thing? You may have to wait until they're grown up before they get on happily...

With a 4 year age gap they're both in very different places emotionally, not to mention that hormones are likely to be affecting your eldest. Honestly, be thankful that your DD1 acknowledged the card...she could easily have dismissed it along the lines of 'ugh, what do you expect me to do with that?' or worse. You can't make the eldest effervescently happy around her sister, trying to force it will not help (quite the opposite). Insist on basic manners and maybe have a talk (without DD2 there) about how she responds to her sister and why, beyond that there's not a lot you can do.

Good points! Hormones definitely kicking in and she's getting worked up about the move to secondary school, so probably getting more irritated by her sister and/or lashing out as we tend to do with those closest to us.

Had a chat with both separately about how if you have a negative attitude you'll get negativity in return. And threatened cancellation of holiday unless basic manners are visible!

Hate to say this but will probably get worse when she starts secondary school (from personal experience). I know it does make you feel bad though.

there is seven years between me and my sister. I am older. when I was a teenager, dsis would infuriate me. She was just a totally different generation to me, and my attitude was that if she were a girl in my class, we wouldnt be friends, so why should we purely because we were sisters?

We get on well now (though we live in separate countries) but a teen and a tween/child is a bad mix.

My parents would hold me accountable for dsis' actions too though "well she has clearly learned that from you" and "set her a good example" so that also soured the relationship.

I have exactly this. Two boys though with a 4 year age gap. Eldest about to turn 14 and his brother soon to be 10.

They used to be quite close. Possibly both being boys they had similar interests and youngest looked up to eldest and eldest like to be the 'teacher'.

All changed when hormones kicked in. Eldest can't stand his brother. Last year eldest actually started crying whilst stood in a queue and it turned out he sound of his brother's voice had irritated him so much it had caused tears of frustration !!!!

I feel really sorry for the youngest. He's not perfect but he genuinely looks up to his elder brother and it hurts him when eldest is so hostile towards him often when he's asked a perfectly reasonable question. My heart nearly broke when after one particular cold shoulder my youngest shook his head sadly and said, 'All I want is to be his friend' .

I am hoping this will pass and all I can do is address eldest's behaviour towards youngest as it happens. I also encourage youngest in his friendships so he's less reliant on his brother.

My girls have the same age gap, and were like this. 11/12 is a horrible age, because the elder is pulling away from the family, but too young for teenage independence.

The fury we had when dd1 had a sleepover, and dd2 ruined it by just being in the house.

Dd2 has compensated as a person by becoming incredible confident, criticism bounces off her, where it gets to dd1 more and she worries.

The girls are 22 and 18 now, and they do grow out of it, I promise. By 14 and 18 the girls were fierce friends, and are inseparable adults now.

There are 4 years between my sister and I, and at 11 and 7 our relationship is exactly as you describe it. She loathed me and I was always trying to either be her friends or get her into trouble (because she wouldn't be my friend - I wonder why?!). What's worse is we had to share a room so we constantly bickering (sometimes worse, i.e. attacking each other). We started getting along much better & even socialising together when I was about 17/18... I even met my now DH through her friends.

Only 10 years to go then!

My husband has told me his vividly removers disli

My husband has told me his vividly removers disliking his younger sibling. Similar things such as getting on his neves, just being around & so 'embarrassing', when his friends came to play etc. It got so bad his Mum sat him down & explained to him how much his sibling looked up to him & how as the older brother it was his responsibility to protect & look after younger subtitling. He said it made feel very mature with a sense of pride. He seems to have never forgotten it as said younger child still infuriates him sometimes I know(!) but they have never, ever fallen out & are v close

Sorry for typos!!! Auto correct + one handed typing!

'He vividly remembers'!

Oh this is helpful!

My DS can be as everyone upthread has described towards his youngest sibling (4 year gap).

I was sort of thinking it was him just being horrible and mean to her , but it sounds like it might just be normal sibling stuff.