Upset about DS2s behaviour

[Quinteszilla]

I know he can be feisty and headstrong, but today he turned a nice and pleasant afternoon out into a tiresome nightmare.

We were meeting my cousin and her dd. Her dd turned 10 in December, and my ds will turn 9 in June, so he is 18 months younger. They get on well.

We were going to a pizza restaurant first, and then to a couple of shops. His behaviour started already in the restaurant. While she was sitting nice and quiet and well behaved, he kept interrupting, making himself the center of attention, faffing about with his hat, sunglasses, etc. Laying down (long sofa), sitting on the back of the sofa with his feet in the seat, etc. I kept having to tell him to stop doing this, that and the other. He sat quietly while he ate, then he ran to the toilet, rand back to us, and back to toilet, and then back to us, before I managed to get him to sit down again.

I was so glad when the meal was over and we could leave. We went to a shop, he was moaning, then he was desperate for a wee (and he told me he had not actually gone to the toilet in the restaurant, just checked out the bathroom) so we had to leave and find a toilet. In the next shop where we were going to buy him new skiing pants, he was refusing to even look at them, saying he does not need or want new skiing pants, so he did not even want to look, saying we could get them another day. And on and On. Then while I was paying, he was playing on the escalators.

The list goes on. I have taken away all the stuff I bought for him in town today, and not sure whether I should just bin everything or let him earn it back.

I am so disappointed in him, and embarrassed at his bad behaviour.

I have an invitation to meet up with friends tomorrow to have a bbq out and sledging in the snow, which I know will be great fun for him, and nice for me to chat with my friends, but I dont think I can be bothered. I dont want to give him this pleasure, seeing as he totally ruined today for me by behaving so badly.

Don't cancel tomorrow, that would be stupid!
Think of another punishment or just talk to him.

I have spoken to him, but feel I am not getting through. He has been annoying me the whole day.

He made a bow and arrow from one of those teeth flossing thingys, shooting coctail sticks. I told him not to aim at people. It was perfectly innocent for him to aim at other things, I did not see anything wrong in this. He shot my bum twice, and then my face. He could have shot my eye with a toothpick. I should have taken it from him there and then, instead I told him not to aim near people at all, or I would take it off him. He kept taunting me with it, but because I was with my cousin, I did not want to be seen to overreact by taking it in their presence. SHe is a teacher and very sensible with kids, and I hate being challenged by him with people around. I have little faith in myself in such occasions.

I hate being challenged by him with people around. I have little faith in myself in such occasions.

And he probably knows this and plays on it, maybe not consciously but he is aware of it.

Have you always found him this way or is it a recent thing? If the former, have a look at how you are with him and think of alternative ways - praise good behaviour, speak firmly and look him straight in the eye. Find out what motivates him, what he loves doing etc e.g. screen time, seeing friends etc and use those as incentives for good behaviour. Pick your battles. If it is a recent thing, has anything changed, is it just a phase etc.

BTW - shooting cocktail sticks at you is not on and he shouldn't be doing it in a café, you should stop that straight away. It doesn't matter what other people think, react consistently, firmly and fairly.

I totally forgot about this when my daughter was growing up, but my mother used to whisper in my ear that she would never take my shopping against if I didn't behave myself and that certainly did the trick with me.

Perhaps he really didn't want to go in the first place. Not saying that excuses the behaviour but it may explain some of it. If I was doing that trip with my 8yo, I would fully expect it to be a bit unpleasant!! I would expect today's trip to be more pleasant. Go and have fun. The stuff you got yesterday. Keep it. But yes, he needs to earn it back.

In terms of the cocktail sticks. I would have removed it, without shouting, as soon as he shot one that touched a person.

He wanted to go, because he wanted the sweet shop. He also wanted to eat out, but he told me he was just overexcited.

I dont know. I am battling with him over clothes. He is putting up such a fight, he needs a new sports jacket, breathable, and with ventilation under his arms, for mountaineering and cycling. He is running around i the shop, running away from me, wriggling his bum and just cant be bothered. We bought him one jacket last year, which he is refusing to wear because he does not like it. Trying to make him wear it results in a full on tantrum, and him refusing to put it on. We cant physically force the jacket on him.

So, all he has to wear is a really thick North Face down jacket, with a hood. Today we were going on a small trip, just 50 minutes walk up to a nearby beauty spot, where he could sledge, we were going to do a bbq in the snow, I had prepared a picnic. As usual I told him to not put his down jacket on until the last moment. I know it is too thick, he is refusing to wear other clothes. All he had underneath was his merino base layer, and I had packed a fleece. He put the down jacket on, his hat, a buff that covered his nose, and the hood.

He does this every time we are going somewhere, and I am telling him he must not do it. I explain that he will be too hot, he will sweat, he will get wet, and he will freeze.

Naturally, we start walking, and he is moaning he is out of power. Of course, he is so hot. His skin is wet. No point continuing, so I lost my patience with him and said "thats it, I have had enough battling you over clothes, we are turning back right now". He sulked. He is just NOT listening. I know the climate, I know how to dress, whether it is minus 10 and windy or 3 degrees and sunshine. You use immense effort walking uphill in snow. But the sledging makes up for it. You cannot sweat. You cannot get wet on your skin. The moment you sit down, you will freeze, and get ill. It is just the way it is.

How on earth can I get him to listen?

4 trips now, and he has had the same exerience yet he does not see the link between him overdressing, and sitting indoors in wool and downjackets for 30 minutes prior to going out, and him freezing.

Oh, it sounds lovely. Bbq in the snow! Sorry you had to turn back. I would take him on a shopping trip on his own, without the distractions of family, and the added pressure of being aware of your kid's behaviour in front of someone you know and who may have different parenting styles. Just take him and go straight there, at a time you know he is usually calm. (My kids, it would be around 10-11am after they have done some running around first to let off steam). He does need to choose his jacket but in the meantime needs to wear the other one. I think you need to try and set him for some successes, because it sounds like you are perhaps used to a different child (ds1?) and not used to a child who struggles, but all kids are different.

Hi. In relation to the general behaviour issues, do you set out your expectations of him/consequences of certain actions in advance? So using the down jacket incident as an example, could you say to him well in advance of leaving that if he insists on putting it on before you say it is time, there will simply be no trip? And then stick to it if he does insist on putting it on anyway.

It sounds a little as if you try to ride out his behaviour until the point that it gets too much (which it would do for anyone!) and then a punishment arrives out of the blue. It is very understandable in the face of this sort of behaviour, but perhaps a bit too unpredictable for him? I know that to an adult it seems unbelievable that a child (especially a nine year old) can't join the dots and work out what will happen if he puts a coat on too early after four trips, but that's where you are, so perhaps a change of tack is needed?

Was he anxious about something, OP? DS is like that when he feels insecure.

i have to disagree. that does not sound like it would ever have been a nice and pleasant afternoon! no way my boys would want to do it, and they would play up too

internet shopping?

pizza restaurant with a friend of us tagging along?

ds, not us!!