At what age is it safe to let your child play out - unsupervised and out of your sight?

[pinkpyjamas]

I know each child is individual, but at what age did you let your child play out? I don't mean in the same street, but as in playing in the local area but out of your sight? My neighbour lets her three year old DS out of the street with her seven year old DD looking after him. This worries me, but maybe I'm too over-protective?

Oh I don't know, it's very well to want to let them to be independant but how quickly do people want their children to grow up? Do they just want more time to themselves rather than supervise their children? I think we are more aware of the dangers today so children need more supervision rather than taking unecessary risks, or expecting an older child to be responsible! They should be allowed to enjoy their own childhood!

I guess you could say my 7 year old is responsible for his 5 yo brother when they are out, but I don't think he dwells on that (I mean, if 5 yo was being bullied, 7 yo would step in obviously) and I don't think it's affecting his childhood or ruining his day. To him, it's just another person to join in the doctor who game or whatever.

He does have a slight responsibility there, but in a positive way I think, it's about time he had a bit!

Yes, I admit, since moving here I've had time to myself during the summer when they were out playing and IT WAS GREAT!!!!!

Loosely on the subject of safety past and present, my mum and dad only recently told me of things they would do with friends.

Mum would be up the woods with pals, making a fire and chucking in potatoes until they were cooked, then fishing them out with a stick.

Dad and his pal would go to the wood with their little axes and take turns at chopping logs. My dad mis-timed his chop and sliced his friend's hand!

Very generally speaking, I think people are too over-protective these days. And grandparents are often the worst!

I actually agree with yuoknowhat.

Ds is nearly 6 and we allow him to cycle up and down the pavement at the front, while we're working in the garden at the back (big garden,so no visbility). It's a very wide pavement and a relatively quiet street, so I'm not bothered. Ds knows it is a majro privilge and nto to abuse it.

At a recetn Mumsnet nmeet-up, he went outside with one of the other Mumsentter's dds (who was 7 I think) to play in climbing frame area, well out of sight of us, in a strange place (albeit a quiet university campus).

I've also started letting him cross the raod to see his friend opposite "unsupervised" (although I do still check form a distance).

I ithink it is important to give them a sense of independence a little at a time, so that you can build on it so they aren't suddenly "set free" at 12 when they go to secondary schools. There is a spike of road traffic accidents at that age, which I am sure is due in part to children not being adequately prepared to judge road traffic conditions on thier own.

PB I should think it is also linked to the fact that it is at this age they acquire their "invunerable" gene

I did say "in part"!

Pointydog, I agree with you that in general people are too overprotective these days. My mum surprised me though - we were taking my (baby) dd to a little park that is about 2 doors away from us - we are in a village but on a very busy road - and my mum said, 'When she's 4, she'll be able to come here on her own!'

ds, who is almost 5, is allowed out in our street (very quiet dead end, and just about everyone has children so traffic sort of expects them to be there) with the other children who range from about 4 to 8. Seems perfectly normal here (i.e. they all do it), but there's safety in numbers I guess and they all know they're not allowed out of the street.

I was thinking about the spike in RTAs at 12 combined with Securmumummy's comment about when they acquired the "invulnerable" gene - and came to the conclusion that that is why you need to teach them some independence before then.

If they've never been allowed out on their own before then (so don't know how to judge danger/traffic etc for themselves annd are alos revelling in the freedom) and they think they are invulnarable, that's a pretty dangerous combination.

A little bit at a time from as young a age as possible is my personal opinion - but then I am determined to allow ds (6 next month) to enjoy the same freedom that I enjoyed when I was young - and I'm 45!

I wasn't having a go at you Securmummy!

But I know some parents (and my neightbours are an example) who don't allow thier chrildren any "freedom" until they go off to secondary schol - and even then reluctantly.

I can remeber when we moved to where I live now and our new neighbours (they live donstairs, they live upstairs) commented that they didn't allow their daughter to go further than the end of the street. She was 11 0r 12 at the time. Now we live in a good part of Glasgow, a suburb with big houses and big wide streets. It adjoins a predominantly Asian area, where the closest shops are (a whole 5-10 minute walk away) - but even there is still a "good" area.

And I remember a colleauge of an ex boyfirned who wouldn't allow her boy to go to his rugby training in the evening becaseu she wasn't going to be there to give him a lift. He vlounteered to go by bike but this was stil not acceptable. This was in a "posh" part of Leeds. he was 15 FFS!

I myself was going off to a ballet class in Glasgow after school (walk to station, about 3 stops into town and then walk up a naorrow dark lane) on my own from about the age of 9. Colass was porbably at 5, so it would have been about 7 beofre I got home. I was "trained" to do it by my mum, doing a couple fo dummy runs and then "on my own" but followed by mum, before being allowed to do it properly on my own. I really appreciate having been given that level of independence - but it wasn't unusual at that time.

Mine aren't allowed to play on street (too busy) but this weekend, the older one (9) was allowed to go off at a music festival to the children's area to play. He had my mobile number written on his arm and was with 4 or 5 other boys of similar age. I was 3 mins away. I felt very anxious, but also felt strongly that he needed some independance as it is just not possible at home.

PrettyBird - don't worry I didn't think you were!

The other thing is, of course, that reading somehting is different to when you are faced with it IYSWIM. Having written last night that I wouldn't leave my nearly 9yo in charge of my 41/2yo when out and about. Which is true - I wouldn't let them go out to play together away from me - but I did last night let them walk to the shop together!

It is starange, I know that my 4yo could walk to the shop and back alone if he had to (in a "life depends on it" way) so I have no problem allowing him to do this with his older sister there to guide him IYSWIM. But I would not be happy that he could go out and play alone so therefore I wouldn't allow him even with his sister.

It also depends onthe child - as I said dd1 has not wanted this kind of freedomn (out for hours alone) yet and so I have not had t face it - but if she had wanted it than I ould have had to let go earlier - and I think I would hav done - I am sure that dd2 is going to want more freedom and I am mentally preparing myself for it as I know I will have to allow it hen the time comes!

On holiday I told dd (5) she could go down to the beach by herself (not to swim, just to collect shells etc) - our house was right next to the beach just a short walk across the dunes. She could walk down the lane outside our house to the trampoline by herself too. She just had to tell me where she was going. I did the rounds with her first and then left it up to her. She did each trip once and then wasn't interested. She didn't actually want that freedom but then she was on her own and she is a very sociable kind of child, she always wants to be around other people so wandering off alone didn't tempt her I expect.

I also think life probably IS generally more dangerous than when we were small. Our parents gave us more freedom based on their own childhood experiences from a safer time. Perhaps that was too much freedom for the times some of us lived in. Know I got into some hairy situations which could have gone seriously wrong. Looking back on it I think : yikes, no way is my dd going to be left to get into those kind of scrapes. In the same way perhaps we think things are just as safe nowadays as when we were young but it may not be the case.

Don't find it wrong to tend towards over-protectiveness really. Better safe than sorry after all. Imagine if your worse fears WERE realised. Then what would you do?

But if I imagined my worst fears being realised, I wouldn't be able to do anything. And neither would my kids. And that's when you start to miss out on things in life.

Most things involve an element of risk and I suppose everyone has their own idea of what is too risky.

yes I agree pointydog but I completely understand parents that try to avoid risks as much as possible. It seems natural to me. I'm starting to get more relaxed about it these days but a year ago I was completely different

I suppose I have a different take on my recollections of "hairy scrapes I got into". For me, the point is I got out of them and learned a lesson.

And I know that if something were to happen to him, I owuld be devastated - but I also feel that Iam giving him a gift in teaching him self confidence and self-reliance.

I think we are overprotective because we know so much. There are so many more avenues of media/information today compared with yesteryear and certain subjects are not brushed under carpets any more. Most peoples access to the news was 30 minutes of news at 10, (which IIRC covered big news stories like Big Ben breaking down etc), not all day radio/internet/magazines/car radios etc

Also the number of cars have probably quadtrupled since most of us were small. When I was little, not every family had a car. They were still a luxury.

bump

The problem is that you can not raise a confident child by being overprotective. I know that because my mum was always worried sick that something will happen to me. She was always on my back telling me to be careful etc... The worse thing is that she was actually trying very hard to give me some independance, was reasonable enough to realize that she should let me do things.
Conclusion: I have never been able to go to a night club until I left home - I was 19yo.... Does it sounds right to you? It did to my mum, all these drunk people, aggresive behavior, attacks, risk of being raped....
Did I suffer from it? well I haven't done the same things as a teenager than a lot of my friends. And when I left home, I decided that I would do what I wanted, did all the things that she would have not allowed me to do and still do not feel so confident in myself. the mantra 'Be careful, be careful' is still in my head and probably will always be.
So no that's not what I want for my children. I want them to be confident, enjoy thier life and accept that whatever they are doing there is a risk. I also want them to learn that if they are getting in trouble, it is not the end of the world but an opportunity to learn. I want them to be happy and they won't if they are always frighten by something.

we were latch key children my older sister was about 9, I was 6 and youngest was 4. we walked the mile to school on our own, we played out during school holidays on our own. So I should be ulra confident shouldnt i. however the sick gits who made attempts to abduct / rape me put paid to that and have left me terified. whilst some people can walk in the middle of the day or night without out fear, I constantly have to conceal mine. at 6 someone attempted to pull me and my sister into a car in broad day light, at 15 walking to school a stranger pulled up alongside me in the car asking for directions. i said I could not help - his reponse was to ask if I would like a lift. obviously I said no, he drove off only to return 2 mins later - am I sure I didnt want a lift. after he drove off a second time I legged it. at 16 someone hid behind are garden wall at 10pm as I was on my way in. my mum even saw that one. at 17 at 10pm I was followed off a bus and chased down a dual carriage way! at 19 on my way home from my part time job again followed of a bus and chased down the road - by someone who I later found lived 3 bus stops away although only technically 3/4 mile. btw these events happened in nice residential areas.

so in short!! my dd and ds will not be playing out unsupervised for as long as I can prevent it.

I had very similar experiences magictree (I think I could have almost writen the same post as you!). But they haven't made me feel fearful at all. Funny enough, I lack self-confidence about many things but because I fought people off so often I am pretty confident I could do it again. Of course I don't want my LOs to have to, but it may happen.

I imagine I will feel okay about the children going out on their own for little journeys at age 9 or 10, plus to and from school from 8 or so.

I agree too coreyp. I have been on the end of that sort of behaviour too (despite not been allowed to go out on my own in the evenings etc...). So it didn't protect me as such. And strangely enought, these are NOT the sort of instances where I am frightened or not confident. I had to face these situations, there were not nice but they made me stronger.
The areas were I am not confident are the ones where my mum was always behind me, nagging me to be careful, much more everyday life situations that the 'out of the ordinary' ones. See the relation?
However, I would also like to say that it depends also on how a difficult situation has been handled afterwards and the temperament of the person.
In short, I think we need a balanced approach but that being overprotective is not the answer.

as someone else has said it relaly depends on where you live. Where we are now DS would have to be quite old as there are two busy roads - and children don't have the ability to judge moving traffic accuratly until they are 8 or older.

However if he was with his Gparents where I grew up probably alot younger, me and my brother were allowed out on our own from being about 4 or 5 with each other or other kids, and 7 or 8 on our own.

I'd let him go to tha park with next door's older kids (who he knows really well) at about 5 as they woudl be 8 and 10 and they don't have to cross any roads to get there.

I'm just curios, those of you who have said 'never' or not until they are 13+ what are your reasons?