how to proceed?

[bluedolphin12]

Dear All,

Im wondering if any1 could give me some practical, impartial advice?
My dd is 8 years old, has not seen her father since he walked out on us both when she was 2 wks old. She never asks for/about him, despite never having a father figure in her life. (I have been unsuccessful in moving that part of my life forward, instead ploughing all my energies into raising her, working full time etc.)
However, recently he has made attempts at contact, which have been perhaps unwisely batted away by me. I am unsure if she 'needs' him in her life. He can be unreliable, although promises he wont let her down. I have several friends who grew up without fathers and say now that they always felt a part of them was missing. I dont want my child to feel that.
I know not how to resolve this. Part of me is and always will be angry with the way he behaved and the lack of effort he has put in over the years. Theres also the practicalities and the risk of my family being upset, as I rely of them so heavily.
Should these absent fathers be given a chance? Im so confused and this is on my mind every day....

I think I'd take his contact details and tell him that you'll contact him when she starts asking about him (providing you feel the time is right too).

While I would feel angry about his treatment of both you and your dd, I would personally talk to your dd gently about it and ask if she would like to see him. She may not want to, or she might want to but be hesitant and need some reassurance. I would then limit any early contact to a short supervised session, just a drink and cookie at Starbucks for example. Children are smart, as she gets older she will not be impressed by his walking out on you both and will likely keep him at arm's length. But I do think you need to let her make that decision herself, and trust her. What you really don't want is for her to be curious about her dad when she is say 16yo - possibly at a time when mother - daughter relations are tumultuous - have first contact with him then and learn that you were obstructive when he tried to contact her when she was 8. Don't risk yourself potentially becoming the bad party when you have done nothing wrong and have brought up your dd without the help and support of her dad. All the best.

Thank you both for replying and for your views. That is exactly the fear I have-that she will resent me. I know in my head really what I need to do and hearing from mummyxtwo reinforces that!!

I would add that as someone who's Dad left when I was 3, and had many broken promises over visits & phone calls tread carefully. I think at 8 she is old enough to understand the situation, but still highly impressionable & still open to get hurt and not understand why he hadn't phoned / visited when he said he will. I would get firm expectsti

Expectations and ground rules with him from the start & he have a one strike and your out policy. Despite several chances my Dad was not capable of maintaining contact & at the age of 14 I decided to cut him out my life. I've never regretted this decision even now I'm in my 30's. Good luck

Woops! Too many typos baby in one arm, phone in other! ;-)

I would wait until she asks to see him I wouldn't put my child in a situation where they are likely to be upset and disappointed just because some guy they don't know from Adam has decided he wants to be a daddy. Take his details when she asks pass them along alone with the truth of what happened and what type of person he is let her decide. If he truly wants to be in her life he will still be there in a few years.