Parenting Only Children

[mumzoe]

I am new to posting onto mumsnet but have been lurking for a while. I have one DD who is 3. She will be an only child.

This makes me sad and I would love to have more but its not going to happen.

I worry about how she will grow up, I feel bad she will be an only and I am trying to deal with it in a positive way.

I would like to chat with others who are in the same position to talk about parenting only children.

I struggle with: feeling I and DH give her too much attention but how to give her enough but not too much. How to make sure she is not lonely.

Would be really nice to hear from others in the same position.

Hi mumzoe

I too have an only child who is likely to stay that way. I am now 41yrs old and had difficulty conceiving ds along with the fact I had bad pnd after ds's birth so I'm not sure I have the courage to try for another.

I do feel sad for ds (21 months old) though - more for when he is older than now as I worry he will be lonely without much family as an adult.

Dh's view is more pragmatic. He says life is not perfect and that we have given out son the gift of life, whatever way you look at it that is better than no life. So I try to see it that way. Also many people don't get on with their sibling at all so having more children is no guarantee that ds won't be lonely when older.

I really have no problem with him being an only child now or until he is an adult. He mixes with other children (1 boy his age and a girl of 5yrs old) at his childminder's house and it is in a very similar environment to that which he would have if he had brothers and sisters. He also goes to toddler groups and will have other kids to play with when he starts nursery at 3years old.

Only children nowadays mix more with children outside the family than they used to so they do learn to socialise quite well. Also there are more only children out there so they will meet others who they have things in common with.

Have you looked at this website it is quite reassuring

oops here is the link

only children

Thanks for your post - didnt know the site, looks really good and I will get that book. It is really nice to read your post that you are happy with having an only. My DH has a similiar view to yours and in fact would not want another one.

Yes I know there are a lot more only children nowadays although I dont know any.

What gets to me is that DD seems to gravitate towards adults more than other children and does not seem to want friends cos she is more than happy with me and DH. We spend lots and lots of time with her and I wonder if we have spoilt her with attention.

mumzoe; i doubt you have spoiled your child with attention. i too have only one child and being 42 will not have another. tbh, i see only positives. we have more money to spend on dd (without squandering it on her), but my dh and i also have more time to nurture our own relationship. dh does not want more children, and i understand why. we feel blessed and content. . I had a brother and tbh only really remember squabbling with him and driving our poor mum to distraction.

Hello Mumzoe

I also have an only child - DS who is 3, 4 soon. I used to worry about DS being an only, still do sometimes but I do believe now that being an only/having siblings is one factor in a person's life, so many other things make up a person.

I try to get him to see other children and he goes to a childminder and pre school 3 days a week.

My DS is really happy, and always keeps himself busy. I do sometimes wonder about the attention given to him, but I dont know what it's like in other families, and he has only one or 2 other friends he asks to play with, otherwise he is happy by himself or with us. It may be that that is his character regardless of being an only.

I'm happy to chat with you.

I honestly don't believe you can spoil a child with too much attention but what can sometimes happen I think is that only children become more comfortable around adults than around other children. After all most adults are nicer and kinder than most children - children are still learning how to share etc.

I have listed her a quote fom the webite I linked for you. it says things much better than I can:

"Whether an only child grows up to be warm and loving depends on how he is raised. You are his role model. If he sees you serving food to the homeless or building houses for Habitat for Humanity, he will quickly learn that he is a member of a community that needs him. Only children are often more giving than children with siblings because they have never had to protect their things from marauding siblings. They are often very social creatures because they know they have to be. Kids who have siblings may not be as outgoing since they have built-in playmates at home. The only reason your child will grow up to be "odd" is if you treat him that way or let him know that because he is an only child he is lacking something. A child who is loved knows how to love back. It's as simple as that. It is your job as a parent to set boundaries for your son and rein him in when he gets too full of himself, as all children do. What only children need are many and varied opportunities to interact with their peers. As one Harvard psychologist put it, "You don't have to have siblings to have sibling rivalry." Good luck on your most incredible and wonderful journey"

That is a lovely quote......

My dd is an only child and as it is very unlikely that I will have any more children it will probably remain that way.

I think dd gets many advantages from being an only child and I also don;t think you can spoil children from having too much attention. You can spoil them by dropping ehat ever you are doing when they call or teaching them that the world revolvews around them but loving attention has to be a good thing.

I ahve some worries about dd growing up to be a precocius geek but I think that would have happened anyway no matter how many siblings she did or did not have. We always have a house full fo children and dd sees us activley trying to a make our local community a better place so we are not an insular looking family shutting everyone else out.

If you want to make sure she is not lonely you will need to bring other children into her life whether they be relatives or friends from school or up the road. My mum laughs at me when I say we don;t want any more cildren as we tned to have half the neighbourhood's kids in our house most of the day anyway!

As for liking adult company my dd enjoys adult company but I think becuase she is an only child she is very good in adult company as she does not ahve a sibling to hide behind or sometimes to occupy her when we have guests. Whenever we go out to a party or an occassion with other kids her own age I do notice how much better she copes in mixed company and that she can hold converstaion better than many of her peers.

I am the eldest of 5 and I always gravitated towards adults as well - and didn't get on particularly well with my siblings.

Like Twinset says about her dd, I would have been a precocious geek with or without siblings!

Mumzoe
Illness and age mean I have only one dd, now aged 11. I think it's important to welcome their friends home and invite them round. Also have tried to be available to play with her and talk, especially if she is having friend trouble. That can seem tougher when you have no siblings. This week I have been taking her to a theatre workshop some miles from us - probably would not have been possible if she had siblings ! I remind her (and myself) of compensations, such as more money for her interests. Have tried to limit what material things she has and not spoil her. I have been honest about why she is an only - be prepared for your dd to wish she had siblings. Remind her that being with siblings is not all roses !! Sometimes I tried to act as another child would and complain if something was unfair when playing with her - I never let her win all the time ! She really appreciates her friends and has turned out confident and loving. The chief compensation for me is not having to share my time and attention between two or more children !

I have an only dd age 3 and a half and worry about it quite alot. I and dh don't feel any burning desire to have another and find it all quite a handful as it is! But obviously we love dd to bits. Up to yet she has been very happy and independant little thing but recently we moved next door to a family with 9 yr old and 4 yr old little girls and at first i was thrilled as dd loves to play at their house or they all play at ours. However,recently she becomes extremely upset (sobbing like her heart is breaking) at home time or if they go out etc, and seems to live only to be with them again,ie getting up at 8am and getting herself dressed and demanding to be let out to see them before anyone has started breakfast! She doesnt want to be with us anymore and its making me feel guilty about not having another. DD can't understand why friends get to go home together etc and she is left alone. Anyone else experienced this?

Only children are wonderful

check out this thread

ellasmum1,

I wonder if your DD is still getting used to having them next door as new playamtes and once you've been there longer, she wont be so excited by it. Dont know if that helps atall.

thanks that does help a bit, i have been hoping that it will all calm down a bit when the two little girls next door start school again!

I grew up an only child and I'm about to have my first so I've read some articles on this recently (in the sunday papers, mainly). A lot of what they said rang true

• only children often have a closer bond to their parents, as they've not had to share the affection with a sibling (I would say don't worry about the lonely aspect - she's far more likely to be independent and enjoy some time on her own if not with friends)

• only children do communicate well with adults earlier, and often develop lingusitically, faster

• only children are often, like the eldest child in a family, natural leaders and high achievers

• only children sometimes take things too much to heart / too seriously, i.e. criticism from other kids - as they're not accustomed to shrugging off sibling 'ribbing' etc.

I'm about to have my first child. I have a strong sense of one-to-one relationships and I know that whatever shocks parent-hood throws at me, that it is something I am familiar with from my own up bringing. What frightens me is the desire to have more children but to combine that with having absolutely no experience or knowledge of how to deal with more than one, with arguments etc because I've never witnessed or experienced it first hand.

I think there are advantages and disadvantages to both having and not having siblings.

Try not to be too sad about it, there are a lot of positives.

We have an only ds aged 5. We have made sure that he has mixed with other children (friends round, music club, playgroup etc) from an early age. He seems to have had no problem making friends at school, although his best friend is another only child (they seem to share the same attitudes to things a lot). He also seems to get on very well with adults, and is generlly good company. So I'm not particularly worried about him being an only child. However, I do worry a bit whether as an adult he will regret not having siblings. I have two sisters and really value them, but I know that not everybody has such good adult relationships with their siblings. Its really difficult to know how he will react as an adult.But whether you have one or more, you can always make the "wrong" decision for your child, so its probably best not to worry about it, just make sure they have friends. I don't think there is so much stigma attached to being an only child these days, as it is more common, and children tend to socialise outsidethe homealot more nowadays too, which all makes it easier.

I am an only child, and the one thing I would say is be careful not to put too many expectations on that one child: you perhaps won't be a grandmother; your child might not want a nine-to-five lifestyle/to go to university/be straight; your child might be very different from you in the end. This is true of all children, of course, but if there is an only one it notices more, if that makes sense, and the pressure can be immense.

That said, I do not believe you can spoil a child from loving it and giving it attention!

I am I think well-adjusted, sociable and I do two different jobs, one creative and one more people-based. I think my DP has had it a lot tougher in terms of learning to negotiate relationships and the world, and he has two siblings.

I have a DS and until recently thought he would be an only child; am now (happily) pregnant with my second, and if the pregnancy sticks we will be very happy. But I know my DS would be gorgeous with or without siblings.

Sorry, long post, but you sounded so worried

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face...I thought I was the only one who felt like this. My wonderful son is 3 and going to be an only child. Thank you so much for your comments. I feel much more positive and dont now feel I am condemning my son to a horrible fate!! xx