5 year old dd, plain shoes and birthday parties

[seadiamond]

We were invited to a birthday party of a girl whose family are from a higher income level than we are. DD had a nice dress on but her everyday shoes which are perfectly nice, new and good quality. All the other girls at the party were wearing gold, sequined, fancy pumps of some description or another. DD told me her feet were itchy, then she hid under the table and took off her shoes. I understood straight away why. She ran round barefoot for a while which was fine but when it was time to go outside, I insisted she put her shoes on. She started crying that her shoes were ugly and why didn't she have nice party shoes like the other girls. I, of course was fairly upset for her too, but didn't show it. Once I coaxed her into her shoes, she got involved with the games and seemed to enjoy the rest of the party. I'm left feeling uneasy though. I don't want her to feel like that again. It seems like the easiest answer would be to buy her some shoes - we're not on a tight budget. But, I don't want her to feel good because she has nice shoes. She's always going to experience situations like this. How can I explain to her that clothes don't matter, that she's really fortunate and priviledged, even though she feels like she doesn't measure up to the girls with fancy shoes?

I haven't encountered anything like this yet as my school aged children are both boys who go to parties in just regular pumps
I think I might be tempted to buy her a pair of shoes for parties, they get loads on invites from school anyway I find. I wouldn't spend lots of money but you can probably get some for a tenner or so!

I do appreciate your viewpoint. However, ime these fancy pumps tend to have been £5 from Primark or George because you'd be daft to spend £s on party shoes.
It's terrible she feels the pressure to fit in, but I don't think it's a new thing-I can remember crying to my Mum in 1979 that I was the only girl with a short party dress!
It is the way of the world-boys /men have fewer clothing options/pairs of shoes and can get away with trainers/school shoes for years. This is a very big battle to pick if you're going to try to make her not care about what she wears.
I would highly recommend something like the activities in Helping Children Raise self esteem by Deborah Plummer-I used it when my then 7 yr old was getting overly worried about her hair. It's an expensive book, but there are other similar books out there. It really helped her get appearance and what other people thought of her in perspective.

Some good advice there. My DD is 4 and has 'party' shoes which are sparkly and sequinned from Shoe Zone. She loves them and they were only £10. Didnt want to spend more as she doesnt go to that many parties (and soft play parties who cares what shoes you have!) and they outgrow them so fast anyway.

Honestly?? My DDs sometimes have party shoes that fit, but often don't. They do however, regularly take their shoes off and run round in bare feet at parties.

They'll just be £8 pumps from asda

DD has some cheapy sparkly ones for parties from there and they don't seem that badly made.

If you can get her some then I would. I know she needs to know she's privileged in other ways too but sometimes it's nice to have special party shoes.

Look out for sales. I got some pink sparkly shoes for my 4yo for £3.
I remember loving my own sparkly party shoes as a child.

Check out charity shops too. They grow out of them so quickly you may get lucky!

We found it to be the other way around...the higher income/private school parties children are in pretty clothes and school shoes...

Locally though, low income area, my daughter was the only one in school shoes (shiny black ones! I thought that's the sort of thing people wore)

They all had the fiver from primark sparkly ballet flats that I don't like very much. My daughter didn't notice but one child asked why she was wearing Hey school shoes... so I might find her something to fit in.

DD is almost 5 - she and all of her friends have cheap sparkly shoes for parties. DD's came from Sainsbury's. I think you have to pick your battles.

Well honestly, if you were going to a party you wouldn't want to wear your work shoes....obviously if money is tight then she would have to accept she can't have other shoes but if you can afford it I would get her some cheapies from shoe zone or asda.

But clothes do matter, and your little girl wants to look nice for a party in the same way you wouldn't go on a night out in your trainers.

Obviously you don't want her to turn into a demanding little diva, insisting on all the latest fashions on a weekly basis (as some little darlings do), but a nice pair of party shoes from Asda for under a tenner is a lovely thing for her to have.

maybe you could have a word in the easter bunnies ear and request new shoes instead of an egg?

She won't feel good because she has nice shoes. She'll feel good because she's not marked out as different from all the other girls.
Sometimes we have to suck up things which go against our principles, rather than make our kids uphold our principles for us. Buy her some frivolous shoes; she's five.

Thanks for the advice and perspective everyone. We live overseas and the type of shoes she'd want are quite pricey, but like I say money is not the issue.

I tend to agree with what you've all said. I don't care much for my appearance but I do remember having similar feelings as a child. I know how happy the shoes would make her, and I agree it's not an issue worth battling over.

But, in the wider scheme of things, I just feel that there's a learning opportunity here, for us both. Just not sure how to develop it. Or am I being too ambitious?

I always buy dd a pair of generic boots/shoes for every day that will go with everything, and also a pair of dressier shoes for outings and parties and so on.
You can buy sparkly pumps for a tenner or less.

I find it funny as when my daughter was pre school age she had purple everyday Clarks shoes and I bought "Black shinies" as party shoes. Which is what she wears to school now. I think a pretty dress with black tights looks lovely with black shiny shoes. At the posher parties we went to it was non shiny start rights the others were wearing.

It's just locally I've seen the sparkly cheap shoes. I will get some, I just don't like them and think she looks better in proper shoes!

I understand that you don't want your DD growing up with the idea that superficial things like shoes should contribute to your well being/ sense of identity, but I think it's a bit unrealistic as you do feel better when you wear nice things, and you do feel worse if you are the odd one out (especially as a child). It's one thing to focus exclusively on looks and barbie-fy your child, its quite another to buy a little girl a pair of cheap sparkly pumps xx

I remember when I was at school, my parents couldn't afford the 'right' things for me. I always felt I was the odd one out, it affected my confidence so much and I was bullied because I didn't have the right school uniform or pe kit or whatever, that now I have children I will make sure they have everything they need, even if this leaves me and my husband without because I wouldn't wish the social exclusion I suffered on anyone.

I remember when I was at school, my parents couldn't afford the 'right' things for me. I always felt I was the odd one out, it affected my confidence so much and I was bullied because I didn't have the right school uniform or pe kit or whatever, that now I have children I will make sure they have everything they need, even if this leaves me and my husband without because I wouldn't wish the social exclusion I suffered on anyone.

Thanks again for your responses. You are really helping me get it into perspective. Alibongo, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry for what you went through.

Not everything has to be a sodding learning experience for children.

If you can afford it, just buy a cheap pair of sparkly shoes.

All she is learning is because of your wish for her to "learn" something then she is different to everyone else.

A learning experience is learning that there is not an unlimited amount of money available and you can't always have exactly what you want when you want it.

Not "you can't have sparkly shoes because I have a vague moral objection to them, which I can't quite explain and I want you to learn from that"

I know where you're coming from and I too would resist buying the sparkly shoes on the basis that they shouldn't matter but you will eventually give in (IME) so with the benefit of hindsight, I'd just get the shoes now.

That said, over the next 10-12 years you will face continual pressure to get the things "everyone" else has and a line does have to be drawn somewhere.

If you are outside the UK OP there is no reason why you cannot spend £5 or less on a pair off EBay is there? I live in a very well to do area and I know for a fact that a lot of the parents buy second hand off EBay because they are proud of it and tell you.

DD (4 1/2) has converse all star boots for her everyday shoes and when we go out to a party, I swap out the laces for fancy or sparkly ribbon. This seems to satisfy her.
I get how your dd feels. When I was a kid, loads of the other girls had boots with heels or those princess key shoes and I only ever had 'sensible' shoes. Really, It wasn't because everyone else had them that made me want them, I just wanted to feel pretty and girly and felt like I wasn't being allowed to.
It could just be that she felt like she wasn't being alowed to express that side of herself like the other girls were, rather than wanting to fit in.

I feel for you OP. I get what you're saying about wanting to teach her that clothes don't matter. I held out for ages on the cheap party shoes front more because they all looked like cheap painful shoes which I wouldn't wear because I know they'd hurt my feet so I didn't want to inflict that on DD. However, I also felt pressure - not from DD really, more because I noticed that all the other girls had pretty party shoes and I didn't want DD to feel left out.It's stupid I know.

I got her a £10 pair from M&S and she's only allowed to wear them for special occasions/parties. At first she wanted to wear them all the time but the novelty wore off and often she chooses to wear her canvas/plimsoll types shoes or even her wellies to parties instead of the party shoes.

As another poster said, if you do want to get her the shoes (and I'm not saying you should at all - particularly if money is tight) might eBay be an option?

As an adult I have nice shoes for going out.
I don't understand the big deal IMO.
It's not worth her upset either. There are bigger battles you will have to fight.