dealing positively with an 8 year old that struggles to accept no for an answer?

[losenotloose]

he's always been like it. I might be wrong but I don't think it's my parenting. ds2 isn't like it.

how do I deal with it without feeling deflated, angry, resentful etc. I feel it can ruin the whole day. in my mind he's completely unreasonable, demanding and just never seems to learn, therefore we have the same battles, he's sorry, then he does it again.

in a way I just need to accept he's demanding and not let it get to me, but that's easier said than done.

any advice or at least similar experience would be great.

Just say no and don't enter into any debate about it.

DC2 used to follow me around asking why or trying to persuade me but I ignored him and changed rooms every time he followed me.

Can you give an example?

Yes but he isn't quiet about it, so I'll get stamping feet and raging.

for example, yesterday I let them play their Wii for almost two hours. normally they get an hour each on Saturday, can be Wii or ds or minecraft. that's on top of the telly they watch. anyway, after that we went out for a couple of hours. as soon as we got back they both started asking to play again. I said they can play some more later, but not now. that in itself is generous considering they'd actually used up all their time!

ds2 accepted this, ds1 complained, begged etc. I ignored. he quitely raged, squirming about on the sofa. he complained some more, with raised voice. eventually I told him he'd lost the time altogether for all the complaining and to sit on the stairs away from me. he was tearful and apologetic "im sorry, I won't do it again". we hugged. then today he starts again.

this isn't just about the game, it's anytime he doesn't get his own way, and he isn't reasonable or logical. it's my fault and he's a poor, poor boy. it's so draining, and it puts me off spending time with him.

Watching with interest as my 13 year old is still like this.

We can have a perfectly civil, sane conversation when I remind him to pick up his clothes after a shower, checking his school PE kit more than 5 seconds until he leaves for school, doing his homwork without two hours of nagging - but he still doesn't do these things unreminded.

I do all the usual 'punishments' - early to bed/no screen time/no pocket money/no debating/discussion but none of these things really seem to bother him. .

He is not the worst behaved in the world, and everyone else tells me he is very well behaved when he goes to friends' homes but it just makes me so cross that we have been going round in circles for so many years.

Oh dear, he sounds a bit like my DS - do you also get the 'you don't love me' 'other parents are much nicer' talk as well?

exactly. later on my brother and his girlfriend came round for dinner and he was polite, charming and can engage in adult conversation. but when we're on our own, he can be horrible! and he also has to be reminded everything, things that I'd have thought he'd learnt by now, put your bowl in the sink please!

yes. you're too strict, you say no to everything (even after a pleasant day of having everything he's asked for). luckily he's been at friend's houses recently where the parent has apparently lost it with the child. I was secretly pleased!

lose - I know that feeling about other people's children, I have even had other parents tell me that my DS is the best behaved in the group of friends - and like your DS he does engage beautifully with other adults when many teenagers just grunt. So why do I sometimes sit here in tears of despair at what I feel are my lack of parenting skills ?

Well it's normal to be at your worst with someone you trust, imo. You know they'll still love you, iyswim.

But if he's polite, charming and engaging, presumably when you want him to be, why not reward him with some screen time?

And, why doesn't he have more time than his younger brother? You expect a certain level of behaviour from him at his age, why not an increased level of reward, too?

It's normal. My 10 yo DS is like it. The latest is a continual chant "mean".

I also permanently get "so and so has Internet access"

We leave him to get on with the baby tantrums and ignore a lot of it, unless it's rude in which case he gets screen bans.

DD (4) is like this. Every request for something that I say no to (eg: chocolate/cake/sweets when she's already had her 'treat' allocation, TV/computer related request) she will not back down. She stands by my side and rehashes the question again and again. Further punishment (eg: time out/ withdrawal of something they enjoy eg: TV time) results in a huge hysterical escalation EVERY TIME. I spend days and days with her either 1) complaining or 2) being punished.

It's utterly miserable. You have my sympathy but no usual advice from here, sorry.

I do end up in tears sometimes . I didn't want to give him more screen time at 3 o clock in the afternoon when he'd already watched an hour and a half of telly and almost two hours of game time. plus, I didn't say no more that day, just no more til later. I really don't think that's unreasonable.
he already gets to stay up later than ds2. I honestly think he'll always find something to complain about.

I try to say yes as much as possible or offer an alternative, so for example dd says can I have an ice cream at 9am in a Tuesday and I say 'yes on the weekend you can have an icecream'. Or If she say asks for hot chocolate instead of saying no I say 'you can have hot milk'. Dd Is too bad with this stuff though so I've no idea if that would make things more difficult for you or add to the confusion. But I just get sick of being the bad guy all the time.

It sounds really hard, lose.

But I would still give him more screen time than his younger brother.

Just had another row this afternoon - DS had a lovely morning out playing sports with friends and has plans to go to a party later this afternoon (for which we have to do two 30 mile round trips - dropping off and collecting him).

He arrived home for lunch which we had together, all very pleasant, I then said I would help him with his homework, he went to fetch it from his school bag - found his lunch box from Friday which he hadn't taken out, chocolate biscuits had melted - all over his school books and crumbs everywhere. He immediately blamed me - for the last 8 years I have been reminding him to unpack his bag as soon as he gets in from school - is it really so difficult

He shouted and stropped so the punishment was no more screen time or use of his mobile at all this weekend.

But why can't they learn these simple tasks? All I am expecting is for him to unpack his school bag when he gets home each evening - hardly having to wash the kitchen floor or vacuum the whole house is it?

My 7yo ds is like this.

I read a great parenting book recently (something to do with manic mums, I got it out of the library) which characterised the 4 main personality types as lions, monkeys, elephants and owls. Ds is a lion and they are leaders, need to be in control, full of ideas, action, life and bl**dy hard to parent!!

It really helped me understand ds better and try to give him more opportunities to be in control but be firmer with him when I needed to be.